


Snow

by Rumbellestiltskin



Series: Snow Verse [1]
Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, everything will be okay in the end I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-03-12 10:29:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 53,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13545471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rumbellestiltskin/pseuds/Rumbellestiltskin
Summary: They all have their demons, Natsuki in particular. She knows hers are bad, with her father and being so hopelessly head over heels for a specific member of the group, but she had little idea of the struggles the other girls were having...until they were out in the open, that is.Set in a non-game world full of fluff and angst and lots of revelations. All of the girls are very gay, at least, I can promise you that.





	1. When Dreams Become Reality

**Author's Note:**

> I use songs to help me with story ideas and this was heavily inspired by a song called "Snow". I've quoted it in this because, hey, give credit where credit is due, right?! I also stole a quote from another song because it was relvant...heh.
> 
> Funny story, I've actually wrote this whole thing twice now. I was so close to finishing it when my computer decided to die on me! So I wrote it up again from memory on my phone...I sure hope this is worth it! But this version will never beat the original in my eyes, unfortunately. I had a couple of other ones that I might get around to re-writing too, let's see how this one goes first.
> 
> Anyway, sob story aside I do hope this is okay. I'm not a literature person in the slightest!

Natsuki sighed and trailed her fingers along the line of fresh, yellow bruises cupping her throat. They were ugly and they hurt, but they weren't half as bad as they had been in the past.

Before she was used to this, that is.

She huffed and stretched her neck around slowly, testing how much free room she had before the pain made her wince. Not bad, she noted, given their appearance.

Why of all days had he decided to lash out at her today? And why, _dear God why_ , had she agreed to spend that same day with Yuri?

Well, no going back now. Life goes on, right?

She dug around in her sock drawer, praying to any deity above and below that she hadn't thrown away that scarf, one she never wore but it had been a gift so she shouldn't have chucked it...right? She wasn't going to break her promise to Yuri.

They had made plans to prepare for the festival on Monday, or more specifically tomorrow. Why wasn't she more excited for it? Sayori had been practically bouncing with excitement on Friday.

No, she knew why. Yuri.

 _Ah hah!_ Natsuki pulled out the pink fluffy scarf she'd been searching for and slung it around her neck, adjusting it to ensure it covered the bruises with plenty of wiggle room. She peered at herself in the mirror, puffing her chest out and crossing her arms over it. It matched her outfit, at least. Even if it made her look...cute.

She hated the word "cute". She hated looking cute. Hated it's associations.  
   
But then why did she find Yuri _so damn cute?_

She was such a hypocrite.

Natsuki stared at herself with a sigh. She doubted she was anything to sneeze at, particularly in comparison to the girl currently on her mind. Natsuki didn't think herself unattractive, just...not beautiful. She was short, in height and hair length, and thin. Puberty had given up on her early, leaving her with a half finished body.

Actually, no. She knew exactly what had caused her limited growth and it hadn't been puberty.

Natsuki unplugged her phone from its charging port and checked the time. 9:54. Crap, she was gonna be late. _She'll hate you for that. Why would she ever want to make plans with you again?_

Oh, shut up.

She pocketed her phone and grabbed the sports bag she'd filled with the necessary baking supplies before trotting down the stairs, out the door and along to Yuri's.

Natsuki had only been there once before, when Sayori and Monika had encouraged her to join their movie night there. She'd nearly declined. She hadn't known Yuri well enough at the time to feel comfortable third wheeling with her while Sayori and Monika would no doubt occupy themselves. They were a cute couple, but they could be gross with their public affection.

Oh, that word again. _Cute._ Ugh.

Anyway, she'd ended up going and it had actually been a really great night. They'd watched a movie of their choosing each, ate popcorn, made pizza (disastrously on Sayori's end) and laughed about silly, simple things.

Heh, it may have also been the night that she realised she was utterly, completely crushing on Yuri.

But now she was back, ready and equipped for festival preparations.

It didn't take long after knocking to hear footsteps approaching the door and for it to swing open to reveal Yuri. She smiled, "Natsuki! Welcome!" The sincerity of her words made Natsuki's heart twinge. 

Yuri invited her in, leading her down the hallway to the little kitchen at the rear of the house. The place smelled of...was it Jasmine? She wasn't too good at that kind of stuff, but it smelled nice and it was comforting. It seemed to be coming from an oil burner on the kitchen table and Natsuki rolled her eyes. Yuri was definitely the type for that kind of stuff.

Yuri had already prepared her work station before she had got there, the table was covered with paints, felt pens, craft paper and ribbon. And the oil burner, of course.

"Make yourself at home." No, she'd rather make herself anywhere but home. But it was the thought that count, so she shot her nod in return. Something about the girl made her behave...nicer was probably the best way to put it.

Natsuki shook her head as a sort of mental 'get your ass into gear'. She forgot about the bruises. She winced in pain as they made themselves known and Yuri glanced up at her curiously. _Shitshitshit. Say something. Distract her._ "S-So!" Natsuki started, pulling out the equipment she needed for the cupcakes she was making. Yuri had already begun her crafting. "Did you think of anything to decorate the cupcakes with?"

Yuri looked a little guilty as she blushed. Heh, it was pretty adorable when she did that. Which was good since she blushed a lot. "N-No, actually. I have been much too absorbed with the atmospheric enhancements, unfortunately..."

Natsuki scoffed. "Sure, leave all the hard work to me!" She grinned at her friend. "It's fine, I actually had some ideas myself."

"Enlighten me."

She pulled out a set of scales and began to measure out the ingredients. "Well, I was thinking something literature related." _Duh, stupid, this is a literature event._ "Maybe a layer of fondant with little buttercream words on top of each one. I'd need your help with the fancy-dancy ones, though."

Yuri smiled brightly, which surprised Natsuki a little. She was always much more confident when they weren't in school, she noticed. "I like it. Great idea!"

Natsuki shrugged. "I'm full of them, you know?" Yuri laughed, a sweet, sharp sound that made her stomach clench. It was a huge change to her usual nervous laughter, and Natsuki much preferred it.

Yeah, she could get used to that.

"I bet you are."

Natsuki peered over at Yuri, trying to see what she had planned. "What are you making today?"

Yuri held up a sheet of paper with a sketch on it. "A curtain for the door. I figured we needed some sort of...decoration, for lack of a better word, to lure people in from the outside. See?" She pointed a slender finger to the little rectangles on the sketch. "These will be pieces of card with words on them. They will be attached to the ribbon at given intervals."

She liked it. Yuri was incredibly creative, she had some of the best ideas. She doubted she would ever admit that to her, though. "Well it's not cupcakes with words on them but...It's a good idea."

They worked in moderate silence for a little while. Yuri had put some music on quietly and Natsuki was making a fair bit of noise whipping up the batch of cupcakes. It was a peaceful, comforting silence, though. The jobs they were doing were fairly lonely done by themselves, so it was just nice for Natsuki to have Yuri's company while she baked.

After a short while Natsuki opened the preheated oven and put the first batch of cupcakes in. She dusted her hands off and stretched in relief. "First batch, done!"

Yuri looked up at her with a shy smile. "How is it coming along?"

Natsuki glanced around herself at the mess she'd made. Hmm, maybe she should make the icing now and clean up before the second batch. That was definitely going to be the most messy. "It's going well. On track, at least."

Yuri blushed. "That is, um, good?" She sounded strange. Natsuki raised an eyebrow at her in question.

"What?"

"Y-You have, uh, cake batter..." She pointed a finger and Natsuki followed it to find little green and purple splatters of batter across her pink shirt. Not much, but enough to be obvious with their bright colours.

She groaned in frustration. "I guess that's what I get for actually making an effort today, huh?"

Wait, how did that sound to Yuri?

Yuri just blushed and jumped up, grabbing a clean dishcloth on the way. It was always a shock to see Yuri move with such grace. She had long legs that allowed her to walk so elegantly, it was a sure change to her awkward, shy tendencies when talking. She was physically coordinated, if not socially. She rinsed the cloth under the water in the sink before signalling Natsuki to come to her. "It's fine, I've got it."

"I insist."

Well, if she was offering it _would_ be kinda nice...

Natsuki stood for her while Yuri dabbed the little marks carefully with the warm cloth. Is this what being cared for felt like? 

Hmm, she was taking a little more time than really needed, though.

Once the worst of it had been cleaned, Yuri met her eyes. She looked...different. Nervous, as per usual, but...a little dazed, too. She expected her to step back but...she didn't.

She didn't move. They stood, gazing at each other. When had the air suddenly gotten so thick? And her breathing...it was irregular. There was no way Yuri didn't pick up on that. Natsuki worked her jaw a little, before speaking up. "T-Thanks." Yuri blinked, before stepping back with a shy smile and a nod, walking back to her work station.

_See? She was just being nice. Stop overthinking everything, Natsuki._

The ingredients lay before her to make the buttercream. She suddenly didn't want to make it anymore. Oh well, she had to.

She reached for the sieve to remove the lumps from the icing sugar when she felt a sharp pain in the palm of her hand. She jumped back with a gasp, "Ouch!"

Oh yeah, the jagged edge. It had broke when papa had used it as a projectile for her head.

Yuri hadn't even gotten back to her seat yet and she'd already turned around to the sound of Natsuki's distress. "Natsuki? Are you alri-" She stopped, staring at the cut on her palm. "Oh." It was a small, but nonetheless painful, incision. It was hardly impressive, there was only a little bit of blood seeping from the wound, but Yuri couldn't seem to take her eyes off it. "It is bleeding."

"Yuri, it's fine. It's just a small cut, see?" She angled her hand so she could see better.

"It is bleeding," she repeated, coming up and holding Natsuki's injured hand in her own two. "I, uh, I have p-plasters in this drawer..." she rummaged in the aforementioned drawer, pulling out a little basic plaster and securing it over the cut after wiping the blood away with a tissue. 

A little over dramatic. But hey, it made Yuri feel better and that's what mattered. "Jeez, you'd think I'd broken a bone." Yuri looked hurt, dropping her hands and stepping back.

"I-I apologise," she mumbled, refusing to meet her eyes.

"Yuri that's not what I meant, I..." Natsuki sighed, running a hand through her short hair. "Thanks, I appreciate it."

She earned a shy smile at least. But that smile faulted quickly. "Give me a moment. I will be back."

And with that, she was gone.

Natsuki huffed, washing the blood from her hands before starting the frosting. She couldn't even be a good friend to Yuri most of the time. Whatever made her think she could make a good girlfriend to anyone?

Heh, _girlfriend_. That sounded weird, but...nice. Not that it would ever happen.

She was well into beating the buttercream to its desired consistency when she heard quiet footsteps decending the staircase. Yuri returned looking much better, the flushed, agitated look from earlier was gone, replaced by a much calmer, relaxed expression. Well, for Yuri anyway.

Natsuki shot her a grin, which was returned. They both resumed their previous activities. Yuri's door curtain looked nearly done.

"What are you gonna do once that's finished?" She asked, setting the bowl of buttercream to the side. She'd covered it in clingfilm to ensure it wouldn't go too crusty yet. She still needed to pipe it.

Yuri hummed and pointed to another sheet of paper.  "A banner. To hang above us and our pretty cupcakes."

 _Neat_.

"Hey, these cupcakes are gonna be damn good! Hell yeah they deserve a banner." Luckily Natsuki had already weighed out the ingredients she needed for the last batch of cupcakes so it wouldn't take much effort to mix them all together. She begun by sifting the dry load into the mixing bowl.

Yuri laughed at her remark. Why did that always feel so good to hear?  "Any preference on colour?"

Natsuki shot her a calculated glare. "Take a wild guess."

Yuri sighed, but smiled as she did so. A cheeky smile that she rarely saw from the bookworm. "I suppose that was a silly question."

They worked in that sweet, peaceful silence again. It didn't take long, though, for the second batch to be prepared for the oven. She removed the first and replaced them with the second tray, dusting her hands off. Natsuki glaced around. Damn, she had a lot of cleaning to do.

But, first things first...

"Hey, Yuri? Wanna come test the buttercream? Not that it needs it, I know it'll be perfect." Yuri agreed and jumped up. Natsuki stuck a finger into the bowl, lapping up the sweet sugar and butter mix with her tongue. Yeah, that set her sweet tooth right off, but she knew Yuri wasn't so convinced with sugar.

Yuri scooped up a little with her finger and, in one quick movement, trailed the frosting down Natsuki's cheek.

"H-Hey!" She gasped, eyes bulging. Yuri _giggled_ , and it was so beautifully out of character for her that Natsuki joined in, her laughter uncontrollable. "Y-You little!"

She made a move for the bowl again for revenge, but Yuri grabbed her wrist before she could flick the frosting at her. It was a firm but gentle hold, luckily. She didn't need any bad memories popping up now. "Uh-uh! Not happening!"

"Oh, it is _so_ happening!" Natsuki wrestled against her hold on her, Yuri wrestling back. They shuffled in circles in fits of light, silly laughter as Natsuki inched closer to her revenge.

Well, until her foot fell out from under her, that is.

She fell with a thud onto the linoleum, pulling Yuri with her. Her neck throbbed and screamed at her, but even so she was surprised by the lack of impact. Natsuki blinked her eyes open and found she was lying on top of Yuri. The other girl had cushioned her fall.

Yuri groaned and slowly opened her eyes, familiarising herself with the situation. Natsuki had managed to have her revenge in their fall, a line of buttercream lay along the side of Yuri's mouth and across her lower lip. Her gentle gaze fell onto Natsuki only inches from her face and she expected her to shove her away or at least ask her to move.

But she didn't.

_Oh, God._

Their combined breathing seemed to be speeding up, the air around them thick and foggy again. Yuri's gaze travelled along the icing down Natsuki's cheek to her lips, where it stayed for a moment before she met her eyes again.

 _Oh, God_.

Natsuki found herself mirroring Yuri's actions. Her eyes followed the trail of frosting along her lip. Why did that suddenly look so damn good? She just had to try it.

She leaned down and licked the buttercream from the side of Yuri's mouth.

"N-Natsuki!"

_Oh my fucking God._

No. She had not just done that.

Frantically, Natsuki jumped back and Yuri's shocked expression confirmed that, yes, she had infact done that. She screwed her eyes shut in fear, she didn't want to see the inevitable disgust in her friends eyes as she would no doubt leap up and send her out of the door without a second word. She would be the laughing stock of the school, Monika would kick her out of the club for innapropriate behaviour, her friends would shun her...

Yuri blinked, her expression softening into curiosity. She pulled Natsuki back down to her level and ran her tongue up the buttercream on her cheek.

Holy fuck. Was this happening?

It sent shivers down Natsuki's spine, her entire body tingling with delight. Yuri trailed little kisses back down the line she'd left, before claiming her lips instead.

It was happening.

Natsuki squeaked, surprised, before returning the kiss. The sweetness of the frosting mixed with the taste of Yuri was immediately addictive. It was a slow, calculated kiss and oh my god it was so, utterly perfect. Every inch of her body was buzzing. She'd imagined it in a million different ways before, but not one of them matched the pure brilliance she was feeling at that very moment.

Without breaking their kiss Yuri shifted, moving Natsuki onto her side and then onto her back. It was as if a switch had been flicked in her mind. This wasn't the shy, nervous bookworm, not at all. She had suddenly transformed into a confident woman right before Natsuki's eyes. She seemed completely in her element, or perhaps her mind hadn't quite caught up yet. Hers certainly hadn't.

Experimentally, Natsuki nipped Yuri's lip, sucking the assaulted flesh. She gasped and Natsuki nearly jumped back to apologise when the gasp was followed by a quiet moan. Yuri kissed her again urgently. She liked that, then.

She felt a careful hand trail down her side, stopping at the hem of her shirt. It played with the fabric for a moment before slipping under it and onto the warm, bare skin below. Natsuki stifled a squeak of surprise as the hand continued up towards her chest, Yuri's nails slowly teasing the flesh.

Her body was on fire, her skin tingling. Was it supposed to feel this good? She didn't know, she had nothing to compare to. But if so, she suddenly understood Monika and Sayori's love for this. She wanted to cry and laugh simultaneously.

Hesitantly, Natsuki let her own hands wander, exploring Yuri's soft curves. She wasn't really sure what she was doing, but she reached up to cup her breast with her small hand. Yuri responded pleasantly, though, which spurred her confidence to explore on.  
   
The hand on her stomach had moved, making it's way down to her thigh. It stroked and scratched the material of her tights, driving Natsuki crazy. She needed something, but she wasn't entirely confident what that something was. Instinctively she bucked her hips, earning a satisfying laugh from Yuri.

As she laughed, Yuri dusted kisses down Natsuki's jawline to the space below her ear. She nipped her lobe, to which Natsuki mewed in delight, before moving a little further down. Her lips were soft and sweet against her skin, her breath warm and refreshing.

This was perfect. So, utterly perfect that she couldn't believe it. Surely she didn't really have _Yuri_ above her right now? The girl constantly on her thoughts? It was too unbelievable. Natsuki squirmed impatiently as Yuri continued to tease her thigh and trail kisses along her neck. She was in heaven, she decided. Their fall had somehow killed her and this was her blissful afterlife. 

But of course that paradise couldn't last long.

Yuri's weight shifted from her, her lips and hands leaving her skin and Natsuki waited a moment before speaking up.

"Y-Yuri?" She blinked her eyes open sleepily. Natsuki's heart leapt as she noticed how beautiful Yuri looked with her flushed skin, ruffled clothing and tousled hair.

And then reality hit her like a train.

Yuri wasn't looking her in the eye. No, she was staring straight at her neck, her eyes wild and breathing erratic.

Natsuki faintly felt the fabric of her scarf pooling around her shoulders and a draft upon her exposed neck.

 _Oh, fuck_.

 

* * *

 

_'There is dust inside you settling like snow,'_

_'I try to catch it with my tongue when you run your lips along my throat.'_

_'There are handprints on your throat._ '

 

* * *

 

Stifly, Natsuki sat up, lifting her numb arms to cover the bruises. She scrambled for something, _anything_ , to say. "I-I, uhh..."

It didn't matter, Yuri finally met her eye and _wow_ she could look absolutely terrifying when she wanted to. Her pupils were dilated, her chest heaving. "Who did this to you, Natsuki?" She spoke quietly, but without a hint of a tremor in her voice. Somehow that made her a lot scarier. She raised her voice a little, "Who?"

Natsuki worked her jaw, toying with her reply. Sure, Yuri was terrifying but she wasn't afraid for herself. More like afraid for the person who'd hurt her. She trusted Yuri, she made her feel...safe. Protected

She almost spat something about it being none of her business, but she'd been moaning and writhing beneath her not even a minute ago so it was more than likely Yuri's business to know. "M-My, um...My dad."

Looking at the floor, Natsuki trailed little lines with her eyes along the imperfections in the linoleum. Yuri would likely pipe up with the whole ' _this was a mistake_ ' line. After all, why would she want to be with someone so hideously broken?

Instead she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder and that was all it took for the intrusive thoughts to vanish. She glanced up again to find Yuri's expression had softened into concern and sympathy. Hmm, no pity or disgust. Weird. "Natsuki, I...I had no idea." Yuri shifted, wrapping her arm around Natsuki's shoulder. Huffing, she allowed her head to rest against the other girl's body.

She smelled nice.

"Do you, um...Want to talk about it?" Her shy nature was back, leaving no trace of the confident, unhinged Yuri from only a minute ago.

The timer for the oven alerted her of the cupcakes she was supposed to be making and shattered the heavy atmosphere around the two of them. Suddenly she felt awkward and suffocated. This was too much. It was too real.

"No I don't. Obviously." Pushing Yuri away from her, Natsuki jumped up on shaking legs and adjusted her clothing accordingly, working to take the cupcakes out of the oven with weak arms.

She'd just made out with _Yuri_ on a _kitchen floor._ It had gotten pretty heated. Natsuki wondered what it would have led to if they hadn't stopped.

And she really didn't want to dwell on how disappointed she was that it hadn't led to anything.

She refused to look at Yuri as she pretended to be busy with rolling out the fondant, who hadn't moved from her space on the floor. Out of the corner of her eye she saw she was staring at her hands. _Ugh_ , she felt so guilty.

"What? Are you just gonna sit like a lost puppy or help out?"

Yuri flinched then slowly stood up and made her way out of the room _._

_Yeah, good going, Nat. You scared her off again._

Exhaling quietly, Natsuki began to prepare the cooled batch of cupcakes with a thin layer of buttercream then rolled out blue fondant where the words would lie. She'd gotten around halfway done and still no sign of Yuri. Maybe she should go check on her?

She washed up a little before abandoning her workplace to search for her friend. Wait, were they still friends? This was gonna be confusing and overwhelmingly real to talk about, but that wasn't on the forefront of her mind right now.

She made her way upstairs, listening intently for any sounds down the corridor. "Yuri?" She called out. Nothing. _Oh, wait!_ A noise from the bathroom.

" _Heeh...hnng..._ "

Yuri? Was she in pain? Or was that..pleasure? It was definitely moaning of some sort. And Natsuki really wasn't sure which of the two options she'd prefer.

"Haah...haah..."

She knocked once. "Yuri?"

"Ah! No! Do not come in here!" She heard running water and a gasp, followed by a metallic clinking.

Panic bubbling, she ignored her pleas and swung the door open anyway. "Screw that, I'm coming in! You're scaring the crap out of me, Yu-"

 _Oh fuck_.

The first thing Natsuki saw was blood. A lot of it. In the sink and running down Yuri's arms, pooling in the palm of her hand. She was desperatly trying to wash it off under the running water.

A knife lay in the sink beside her. Fresh, red blood coating the blade.

Yuri was sobbing hysterically, shaking her head as she scrambled with the taps. "This is nothing how it appears, Natsuki!"

Natsuki blinked. She'd just been staring wordlessly. "You're hurting yourself." She said quietly.

Yuri shook her head again firmly. "No! I, uh, I..." She screwed her eyes shut, defeated. "I never wanted you to see this. I never wanted _anyone_ to see this."

"You're hurting yourself." She repeated. Natsuki suddenly acted, rushing up to her friend and grabbing her shoulders. "What the _fuck_ are you doing to yourself, Yuri?!"

The other girl dropped her face into her shaking hands and sat unsteadily on the edge of the bathtub. "You'll hate me, Natsuki," she mumbled, "You'll hate me so much."

"Impossible." She was going to have to beg, wasn't she? "Please, Yuri!"

Yuri lowered her hands from her face with a trembling sigh, moving to rub her forearm, her eyes flicking around the bathroom.

She wouldn't look at her.

"Y-You were not seeing me hurt myself," her voice shook as she stammered. "I, um, do that for...pleasure purposes."

Natsuki blinked. "You mean...?"

Yuri nodded, sniffling. "When I get a little too, uh...excited, I suppose, I do that as a release."

Okay, yeah that was pretty fucked up.

Natsuki found herself pacing, her anger quickly flaring.

She would do _anything_ to get away from her abusive homelife. She was sick of pain, truly, utterly sick of it. How could anyone...anyone _sane_ get off on that?

It made no sense. She couldn't comprehend it.

She wanted to scream. She wanted, so, so badly to shout at her and tell her how fucked up she was. She wanted to run away and never return.

But she couldn't.

 

* * *

 

_'You are sick,'_

_'And I hate you and love you for it.'_

_'You're a wreck,'_

_'But I'm always going to want you.'_

 

* * *

 

All at once things began to make sense. Her long sleeves, her aggressive reluctance to change into 'summer appropriate' clothes, her overreaction to Natsuki's cut earlier...

Turning suddenly, Natsuki ran up to Yuri, throwing her arms around her neck and hugging her tightly. Yuri had shown no resentment, no disgust at her flaws. She had accepted them, now Natsuki had to learn to do the same in return.

"N-Natsuki, I..."

"Shut up, dummy. Not yet, okay?"

Yuri nodded, hugging her tightly. They had a lot to talk about, but maybe it would be okay.

Maybe they'd be okay.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the day passed in a blur of colour and laughter.

Once Yuri had calmed down Natsuki had helped her clean up the fresh cuts, blood and tears. They'd made a deal to forget about the first half of the day until after the festival, then they would talk properly. That was only a day, it couldn't be too hard.

They'd had fun in the end, though. Natsuki showed Yuri how to pipe words onto the cupcakes efficiently and although it took her twice the time she actually did a really good job at it. Not that Natsuki would admit that, she just shot her some remark about her being too slow.

The day came to an end when the cupcakes were boxed for transportation. Yuri had finished her own projects a little while ago and had resorted to helping Natsuki out and so the cupcakes were finished much earlier than expected.

Why was she so disappointed about that?

Yuri had agreed to keep them at hers until the next day, when Natsuki would come and pick them up. She didn't trust them around papa.

Sports bag packed with baking supplies in hand, Natsuki followed Yuri to the front door reluctantly. She stood there a little awkwardly. "I, um, I had fun today. Thank you for coming," Yuri said with a small smile.

Natsuki groaned. "Now I've got to say it. Yeah, I had fun too. Or whatever." Yuri nodded but didn't budge. She rubbed her wrist awkwardly, a little knowing look on her face.

_Well, if she wasn't gonna make a move..._

Natsuki huffed and dropped the heavy sports bag to her feet. She leaped up to press a quick, sweet kiss to Yuri's lips. "That's my way of saying thank you."

"I hope that method is reserved for me." Yuri smiled, but she could see there was a hidden pain there. What kind of person did she think she was?

Natsuki folded her arms tightly over her chest and glared. "Duh, dummy. I don't kiss girls for the fun of it." It had been pretty fun, though. "Who do you think I am, huh?"

"N-No, uh, that is...not what I meant at all, I-" she sighed. "Get home safe. I will see you tomorrow."

Well, it wasn't getting home that was the problem. It was what awaited her there.

Natsuki thanked her anyway, picking up her bag again and turning to leave. "And, Natsuki?" She paused. "If you ever need a place to escape to I will be right here."

She nodded, walking away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah I'm sorry it's so rushed and a lot happens at once but, like I said, I'm not a literature person!
> 
> Also, sorry to disappoint anyone but that was about as smutty as this fic will get. Maybe I'll write more in another one, though, who knows?


	2. Pre-Festival Preparations

"Wha-Where are they?"

Natsuki and Yuri entered the clubroom to find it empty, no trace of their friends. Yuri hummed curiously. "They must be running late. How peculiar." She placed a bag with the curtain, banner and other atmospheric enhancements such as the oil burner and candles onto a desk alongside one of the boxes of cupcakes she was carrying.

Natsuki slipped her two boxes onto another desk and folded her arms, looking around impatiently. "It's not like them to be late. Well, Sayori I can understand. But not Monika."

"Perhaps we should begin setting up?" Natsuki agreed hesitantly, pushing some of the desks together to form tables. With care she opened the cupcake boxes and began arranging them on pretty little card trays she'd invested in. Yuri had begun with the door curtain. She had to be extra careful to ensure she didn't glimpse at Yuri's bare stomach as she stretched to attach the curtain to the fixings, her school shirt riding up her waist as she did so. She didn't need to be distracted by her raging gay thoughts right now.

Once that was done and tested, Yuri began positioning the candles around the room, debating different layout ideas with Natsuki the whole time. It made her feel genuinely appreciated when Yuri asked for her opinion, sometimes she wasn't even sure whether the older girl respected her, but it reassured her that she did, at least a little. 

Once positioned, Yuri lit the candles and moved to lower the blinds. It looked...really pretty. "What do you think?"

"Spooky," Natsuki said, an eyebrow raised. "But I like it."

Yuri beamed and opened the blinds, beginning to blow the candles out. No need to waste them, yet.

"Sorry, sorry! We're here!" Monika bustled through the door and the curtain with a flustered look on her face, pulling Sayori along behind her by the hand.

Natsuki put her hands on her hips, narrowing her eyes at the couple. "Jeez, what took you guys so long? We thought you'd gone missing or something."

Monika and Sayori exchanged a quiet look, before Monika turned back with a smile. "Oh, nothing! The pamphlet bag broke on the way here so we had to go back and replace it." _Hmm, fair enough_. Monika emptied the pamphlets onto a desk and looked around approvingly. "This place looks great so far, guys!" Sayori nodded in agreement. She looked...really distant. That was strange for her.

"Thank you, Monika," Yuri said with a faint blush. "Aren't Natsuki's cupcakes are just the sweetest?"

Monika trotted over to the table with the cupcakes on them and gasped a little. "Wow, Natsuki! How cute!"

Ugh, that word again. She was too tired to fight it today.

Sayori peered at them. "And I bet they taste amazing."

Natsuki rolled her eyes and sighed. "Yeah, yeah, go on." She knew it was inevitable that she would lose one to Sayori. She shot her a shaky smile and reached for a cupcake of her choosing, giving Natsuki an approving thumbs up.

Monika placed a hand on her girlfriend's shoulder, "Hey, Sayo? Do you mind collecting some card, glue and scissors from the arts room?" Sayori nodded, taking her cupcake with her as she left the room. Monika watched her leave carefully before she gestured for the other two to join her. "Hey, guys? I need to ask you two a favour."

"What is it, Monika?" Yuri asked, concerned. She glanced at the door and lowered her voice.

"I need you to be extra kind to Sayori today. She's having a tough time."

They both agreed without question. Natsuki knew Sayori had her down days, it was unfortunate that one had to interfere with the festival. She'd been so excited about it last week.

Sayori returned, holding up the supplies she'd retrieved with a weak smile. Her eyes seemed pretty dull, as if the light in them had been switched off. Monika beamed at her and kissed her forehead. "Thank you, sweetheart!" That brightened Sayori's eyes for a moment, at least.

They returned to their respective jobs for the festival preparations. Natsuki decided to help Sayori with creating little card decorations to hang around the room while the others set up. A last minute idea from Monika, apparently. That girl was too creative for her own good. Or maybe she'd just thought of it as a distraction for her girlfriend. Either way, it was a nice idea.

Her and Sayori chatted between themselves. She always loved talking to Sayori, she was optimistic and could chat about anything for hours. Not so much today, though, but her enthusiasm was still there, if dim. Natsuki offered her another cupcake when she began looking a little spaced out, which was gratefully accepted. Monika periodically checked up on her, too. Occasionally squeezing her shoulder or kissing her cheek, and each time Sayori would smile or laugh for a brief moment before regaining that sad, lost look. It was heartbreaking to see.

As they worked she wondered if Monika and Sayori would ever find out about her and Yuri. When they'd first become a couple they had hid it for a little while, presumably out of fear. But one day Yuri had returned to the club after forgetting her jacket to find them, lips locked. After that they'd been as open as possible about it, showing gross amounts of public affection. Well, it was only gross because Natsuki didn't really understand, but she was beginning to. The couple liked to show each other off, it was sweet, and with Monika being student body president the news of their relationship had spread like wild fire, anyway. No need to try and hide it at that point.

Natsuki wondered how Monika and Sayori would even react to her and Yuri...whatever they were. Well, they obviously weren't homophobic but that wasn't really the problem. They always teased them about their silly disagreements and how they barely even tolerated each other, which was fair enough given the amount of stupid things they often argued about. Hah, it was actually one of the reasons she was so drawn to Yuri. When they had all went to the theatre to see 'Wicked' Sayori had joked about how 'What is This Feeling' suited them to a T. Her and Monika had lip synched the whole thing with each other, assigning themselves the different characters. It had been fun.

They'd made a fair few of the decorations in the time they had and they actually looked really pretty. Monika trotted over to them again, this time with a thought on her mind. "Okay, let's start setting up. The festival is gonna start soon!"

Well, here goes nothing.


	3. Post-Festival Blues

The festival was actually a success, much to Natsuki's surprise and Monika's delight. They'd had more visitors than they'd expected, Sayori had cheered up enough to join in the fun, the cupcakes had went down a treat and they'd even found time to visit the other events that the festival had to offer before they needed to pack up.

Yuri and Natsuki were chatting about the day, full of buzzing energy as they cleaned up. Monika and Sayori had disappeared not long ago, so the other two were left with clean up duties for now. Natsuki shoved a load of paper plates, card and cupcake trays into the bin.

Wait, those could be recycled, right? Ugh, but the recycling bin was all the way at the end of the hall. Hmm, maybe for the environment she could spare an extra thirty seconds...

She collected the recyclable materials together in a bin bag and made her way down the corridor. She passed other decorated classrooms and chatting students dotted around. They all looked like they'd had fun, the festival seemed to have been a success for everyone.

With a grunt she tipped the bag's contents into the large, blue recycling bin at the end of the corridor. She dusted her hands off. Good deed of the day done!

"Sayori, let me take a look." Monika's voice? It sounded like she was just around the corner. Natsuki stood still, ensuring she remained quiet. "Okay..." A pause. "No marks still. I don't think it's going to bruise too bad. Thank God."

She heard a quiet sob. Was that Sayori? What the hell were they talking about? She was starting to get worried.

"I love you." Sayori's voice, quiet and sad.

"I know, sweetie, I know." Another pause. "Please...Please don't try that again, I-I can't..." Monika sobbed, her voice breaking. Oh man, that shattered Natsuki's heart in two. "I...I can't bare losing you."

What?

She heard Sayori's muffled voice say, "I'm sorry," over and over as they cried.

Were her and Monika having problems? She couldn't imagine that, they were always so happy.

Or even worse...

No. She wouldn't, right?

Natsuki backed away. It sounded awfully like Sayori had tried something real, real bad...

Sayori wouldn't do something so...so _stupid_ , right? She was always so upbeat and bubbly...that wasn't _right_.  She never really seemed down, except for her bad days...had she really been struggling this whole time? And why the  _everliving fuck_  had Natsuki not noticed sooner?! Maybe if she'd just been nicer to her...

She was suddenly gasping for breath, her heart throbbing painfully. She turned to run back to the clubroom and pounded through the door with an angry, sharp shout, she shoved a book off the first desk she saw, her rage at herself fuming.

Yuri jumped and the stepladder she was standing on wobbled beneath her feet. "Natsuki! You frightened me! What is wrong?"

She couldn't tell Yuri what she'd heard. Dammit, even she wasn't supposed to have heard anything! This was going to eat her alive. "Wouldn't you like to know?" She snapped, immediately feeling guilty. Her sour attitude was causing this whole flaring rage at herself, why did she need to go and make it worse?

_Because you're a shit friend._

_Shut up. Shut up. Shut up._

Natsuki sighed, clenching her fists. "I-Im sorry, Yuri."

Yuri just smiled, decending the steps. Why... _How_ was she so kind? "It is perfectly alright."

"I just feel like a really crappy friend right now." Wow, she'd actually admitted it. Go her.

"Well I can assure you, you are not. Not from my end." Was she calling her a friend? For some reason that just irked her more. Yuri placed her hand on the small of her back and she nearly shook it off, but...it felt too good. She didn't want to lose it.

Natsuki laughed dryly. "You don't know me."

"Yes, I do."

"You don't."

"I know you well enough to know I love you."

Natsuki blinked, processing Yuri's words. She turned to face her slowly. "You...what?"

Yuri jumped back, a deep blush dusting her cheeks and neck. "M-My, that was much too soon, I...Maybe not, um, love. More towards a strong liking?"

Yuri was stuttering, falling over her words, so Natsuki ran to rescue her. "N-No it's okay. I guess I, uh, feel the same way...or whatever."

She received a pretty, shy smile in return. So worth it. "Y-You do?"

Natsuki crossed her arms. "Yeah. But Yuri..."

"I know. We have a lot to talk about." She took a strand of purple hair between her fingers, toying with it. "Perhaps tomorrow? At mine, after school?" Natsuki nodded. She'd need to get permission off papa, but tomorrow was a good starting point.

In that moment, Monika and Sayori returned. Natsuki wasn't going to question them about their private conversation she had overheard. Whatever it was they'd been talking about she would find out when they told her in their own time. Monika shot her and Yuri a smile and if Natsuki hadn't known she'd been crying only a few minutes prior she likely wouldn't have guessed. That girl had superpowers, she swore. When she'd been crying it was obvious for hours after.

Unfortunately, it seemed Sayori shared that same trait. Her eyes were puffy, her nose and cheeks red. Yuri peered at her in concern. "Are you alright, Sayori?" She offered her a shaky smile and a thumbs up. _Yeah, real convincing, Sayo._ "You two should head home. Me and Natsuki will finish cleaning up."

Monika shook her head and begun messing with some papers on a desk. "Don't be silly, Yuri! We're happy to help out."

"Monika, we mean it. We're fine," Natsuki butt in. Monika and Sayori exchanged a private, quiet look before Monika finally sighed and shook her head. "Fine, fine. But this place better be spotless tomorrow! I'm counting on you two." They said their goodbyes and the couple left hand in hand.

"Was it just me or did Sayori appear especially downcast today? I know Monika forewarned us, but..."

Natsuki nodded, continuing her clean up duties.  "Yeah, I think so." There were two cupcakes left and she offered one to Yuri, which was accepted.

"Poor dear," Yuri said, peeling the paper case from the cupcake. "She hardly deserves that." Taking a bite, Yuri hummed with approval.

"No, she doesn't." Natsuki bit into her own cupcake, her mind wandering to the conversation she'd heard and the many possible outcomes. Maybe she was overthinking this or had misinterpreted the meaning. One thing was for sure, though; Sayori wasn't in a good place right now.

Hopefully Monika would be able to help her tonight.


	4. The Much Needed Talk

Natsuki glanced down at her phone, the little "New message" icon bobbing happily on the screen. She unlocked it, revealing messages from the group chat.

_**Old Message(s):** _

_6:54pm: lilmonix3 - Hey guys! If you need to reach Sayori message her here, or through me. Her phone's bust and she's staying with me._

_6:59pm: sugar^and^spice - Thanks Moni. Hope you're okay Sayo <3_

_7:02pm: Love_For_Literature - No worries. Feel better soon, Sayori._

_9:36pm: lilmonix3 - Haha. Thanks guys <3 -Sayo_

_5:12am: lilmonix3 - We won't be in today. We'll try and make it for club time, though!_

_7:24am: Love_For_Literature - You two were up early. I hope everyone is alright._

_8:43am: sugar^and^spice - Ugh. I guess I'll have to be half of the group today_

_8:45am: Love_For_Literature - Three quarters*. And I assume you have just woken up. Should I leave without you?_

_8:47am: sugar^and^spice - Yeah,  I'm gonna be late_

_8:47am: sugar^and^spice - Also..._

_'sugar^and^spice' changed the nickname of 'Love_For_Literature' to 'Love_For_LIT'_

_8:49am: Love_For_LIT - Hmm. Mature._

_8:53am: sugar^and^spice - Don't correct my math_

_8:53am: sugar^and^spice - /(0-0)/_

**_(3) New Message(s):_ **

_2:54pm: lilmonix3 - You two make me laugh. Club's cancelled today, we won't be back in time._

_2:56pm: Love_For_LIT - Oh dear. No worries._

_'Love_For_LIT' changed their nickname to 'Love_For_Literature'._

 

Natsuki huffed and typed a quick reply.

 

_2:59pm: sugar^and^spice - Damn. What's up?_

 

She doubted Monika would tell her what was going on yet. But worth a shot, right?

She locked her phone with a little click, pocketing it for now. Classes had been incredibly boring without Sayori in them to keep her company. She shared no classes with her other two friends due to them being in the year above and she didn't really care for the other students too much.

Natsuki slung her backpack over her shoulder, making her way out of the class. Time to meet Yuri.

Miraculously she'd managed to get permission off papa to go to Yuri's as long as she was back before dark, 'or there'd be consequences'. It wasn't a hard task given it was still early Autumn, they would have plenty of time, but the memory of his words still sent a shiver down her spine. 

As she was walking down the corridor leading to the courtyard her phone buzzed again.

 

_3:02pm: lilmonix3 - I'll tell you later._

 

Of course. She could hardly blame Monika, though. Something was definitely up.

Yuri was waiting for her outside of the school gates, noticeably fidgeting. She relaxed a little when Natsuki approached her, however, and they fell into step with each other around the crowds of other students leaving for the day. Yuri didn't live far from the school, it was only around a five minute walk, so it wasn't terrible. They quietly discussed Monika's strange messages and their weird timings, both agreeing that they felt something was wrong. 

Yuri turned the lock on her door with her little key and held it open for Natsuki to follow her. She led her down the hallway and up a set of arched steps. She opened one of the doors on the landing that Natsuki recognised as her bedroom from when they'd been here as a group. She'd always thought Yuri's room fitted her like a glove. The walls were a blueish-grey but the carpet below her feet was a dark red, so dark it was nearly brown. She had a mahogany bookshelf with various volumes of fancy, leather books and little ornaments lining the shelves. Natsuki wondered whether she'd read all of those books. Probably.

Her bed stood next to the bookcase, smack in the middle of the room. It was pretty large and took up most of the space and it was adorned in black, patterned sheets and a purple, silk throw. A set of drawers stood beside the bedside table, likely full of clothes. Not that Yuri really had a wide variety of outfits that she wore. She had a wooden desk, too, which sat near the door and had a computer and an assortment of notebooks organised on it.

The whole place looked...tidy and sophisticated. Which is why it fit Yuri so well.

Yuri dropped her backpack by the door, stretched and removed her school jacket and shoes, draping the fabric over the desk chair. She ran her finger along the set of drawers before crawling onto her bed, crossing her long legs. She pat the sheets beside her as invitation.

Natsuki seized the opportunity, shrugging her own jacket and shoes off before joining Yuri. She kept a wide berth between them. The last thing she needed when she was trying to think was a foggy mind.

They hadn't spoke since they'd arrived at her house. Natsuki worked her jaw and ran her hands along the sheets, watching the shapes and creases her touch made to the duvet. She was awful at this real life stuff. "So, um, you said you enjoy that? The knives?"

Yuri nodded, rubbing her wrist in slow circles. "Yes, I do. But I feel obligated to let you know that I refrain from hurting myself in any other way. Just this."

Nodding, Natsuki spoke up. "Just so we're clear, you need to know that I won't do that to you. Y'know for, uh, pleasure purposes. Okay?" She wasn't going to hurt her. She wasn't going to let herself become her father.

Cutting Yuri would hit way too close to home.

"N-No, I assumed as much." Did she sound disappointed? Maybe a little. "I will never make you do anything you are not prepared for, Natsuki."

Okay, one thing down. "Is it the pain you enjoy?" _Please say no. Please say no. For the love of fuck, please say no._

"No." Natsuki let our a little breath of relief. _Okay, good_. "I highly doubt that. I think it has more to do with how it appears and feels in terms of pleasure rather than the pain. W-When I first started I, um, I tried it with other...items. Razors, scissors. And nothing." So it was the knives, then, and possibly the blood. That was something she could work with, at least. "I notice you are avoiding saying what it actually is. The cutting."

The word was so sharp on her tongue. She didnt think she could say it so smoothly yet. "This is gonna take some time to get my head around, Yuri. Jeez, I mean this isn't exactly easy."

Yuri shifted uncomfortably, the mattress dipping and she did so. "Y-Yes, I apologise. What is your next question?"

"Are you safe when you do it?"

Yuri nodded. "Of course. I know where to avoid and I have had no issues in the past." Hmm, accidents can still happen.  "Anything else?"

Just one more question for now. "How did you feel when you realised you were into that?" _Hah, projecting much, Natsuki?_

"Afraid at first," Yuri admitted, her voice soft. "But I tried it and the fear just...vanished, I suppose. Replaced by something else entirely." _Definitely projecting._

"Okay. Your turn."

Yuri took a moment to gather her thoughts before speaking. "How long has this been going on for?"

Natsuki dropped her eyes to the sheets again as her fingers unconsciously touched her scarf. This was going to be tough to talk about, she'd never said these things out loud before. But she owed Yuri an honest explanation. "Since mama died. Around 10 years."

She was afraid. Afraid of the disgust and the loathing that Yuri would no doubt feel towards her after all this was out. She was going to think she was disgusting and broken, she knew that. 

As if sensing her discomfort, Yuri reached out and placed gentle fingers under her chin, lifting Natsuki's head with an encouraging smile. What was she thinking? This was Yuri. Yuri wasn't going to judge her for her homelife. The girl dropped her hand again. "Has he ever...um...hurt you in any other way?"

"You mean sexually?" Yuri nodded, blushing deeply. God, that was adorable. "No, thank fuck. I wouldn't put it past him, though. The guy's a loose cannon."

She nodded, looking relieved. She didn't blame her, that would have been a whole other load of shit to deal with. "Does he hurt you often?"

"Not...really..." she selected her words carefully. "Not badly, anyway. It's usually only something minor every couple of days." Anger flashed in Yuri's eyes, her grip on the bedsheets tightening.

"That...That bastard." Natsuki raised an eyebrow at her. She never heard Yuri curse! Maybe she really was a bad influence on her after all. Natsuki shuffled towards her to grab her hands, their knees touching. "I...I had no idea. I wish I could do something to stop him."

Shaking her head, Natsuki offered her a little smile. "It's okay. I can fight my own battles for now. He wouldn't kill me, that's what matters." Well, she wasn't entirely confident that was true.

"I apologise for never picking up on this sooner...Perhaps if I had-"

"Yuri!" Natsuki shook her head. "Honestly, it's alright. One day I'll be free of him, but I'll be okay until then. I promise." Yuri lifted their clasped hands and placed a gentle kiss to her knuckles.

"If you are so sure then I will try and let this go. I am just worried, Natsuki." She paused, nipping her lip. "Is that everything?"

"For now, yeah." There was a lot they still hadn't covered but they'd reached a good starting point. 

Yuri smiled prettily. "Well then, are you hungry?"

"Duh!" She said with a grin. "And tired, too."

Yuri hummed curiously, the small smile still playing at the lips. "Well, I have an idea. Perhaps we should get some food and then come back here to sleep for a little while? If you, um, would like?" Natsuki agreed enthusiastically and they both slipped off the bed. It felt really, really good to have the centerpiece of their emotions out on the table. Of course, they still hadn't discussed the two of them yet, but...that was still to come.

 

* * *

 

So their plan hadn't quite gone as they'd initially hoped.

They'd searched for food for a few minutes before deciding to shove a frozen pizza and fries in the oven. While they waited for it to cook, Yuri had decided to power up her game console...thingy. Was it an xBox? Ps4? Hmm, Natsuki didn't know the difference. She'd never had the luxury of growing up with one.

Yuri had tossed her the controller as they sat on the sofa, giving her free rein over the various games. Natsuki scrolled through them. Everything Yuri had was pretty...dark, to say the least. All horror or action games. Natsuki found one that she thought looked a little tamer than the others. Something about surviving on an island with dinosaurs? Lark...? Snark...? Oh! Ark! That was it.

Hah, it had actually been really fun. She started by dying a lot, but with Yuri's helpful guidance and tips she soon got the hang of it. Before long her and Yuri were laughing, squealing and shouting at the screen, watching as she dodged and killed dinosaurs. She suddenly understood why Monika and Yuri liked this so much.

Natsuki had whined when the food was ready, a little unwilling to drop the game to eat it. Time really did fly while playing these games. But, then again, she wasn't going to pass up pizza. She ate quickly, determined to return to the game as soon as possible, and once she did Yuri had settled with a book, leaning her back against the arm of the sofa with her feet up on the leather as she read.

A couple of hours had passed before Natsuki finally dropped the controller, stretching with a satisfied sigh. She was happy with her progress for now, but she had been promised something else that she intended to claim. Standing and turning to face Yuri, she took the other girl's hands in her own and pulled her up with a grin. "C'mon! I believe we're supposed to be napping now."

With a nod, Yuri led her back to her room, clicking the TV off and leaving the book behind on their way out. When they arrived Natsuki yawned and hesitantly removed the scarf from her neck with numb fingers. Yuri had already seen the marks. As ugly as they were she knew she wouldn't be repulsed by them. They had gotten darker over the past day, though...

The other girl climbed under the duvet, peering at her as Natsuki busied herself with the fluffy scarf. She pat the mattress beside her, holding the duvet up and Natsuki didn't hesitate to slip into the space once she was ready.

Yuri slipped her arms around her small body, sighing with pure content as Natsuki snuggled under her chin. She felt...really safe. As if Yuri would protect her from anything and everything that would come her way.

She yawned again, exhaustion overcoming her. "Can you set an alarm? I can't stay much longer." Yuri agreed sleepily, setting it to give them an hour's rest.

With a small kiss to her head, Natsuki drifted off into a deep, dreamless sleep, finally able to rest without fear. 


	5. Hurt and Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for the first couple of episodes of Angel Beats ahead!  
> This chapter is terrible, I'm so bad at consistent writing.

Natsuki blinked her eyes open groggily. Her head hurt. There was a solid pressure beside her and warm breath dusting her neck.

Oh yeah, she was at Yuri's.

Yuri shifted, groaning softly as she tightened her hold on Natsuki, burrying her head further into her neck. She smiled, closing her eyes again. They still had time to rest, the alarm hadn't gone off yet.

The realisation hit her like a ton of bricks.

It was dark in Yuri's room.

Natsuki yelped and wriggled out of Yuri's arms. She shot up, reaching for the other girls phone, her head draining of blood.

**_(1) Missed Alarm: 6:30pm._ **

The little clock in the corner of the screen read '8:13pm.'

She felt like she was gonna puke. She rushed to slip her shoes on and grab her jacket, buttoning it with shaky fingers. _"Shitshitshitshit,"_ she muttered frantically, her voice trembling.

Papa was going to kill her.

Yuri sat up and rubbed her eyes, looking sleepy and concerned. "Natsuki? Is everything alright?"

Fury flared in her chest. "No, Yuri! Everything is not fucking alright!" She felt wet streaks trail down her face. Was she crying? "We slept through your stupid alarm!"

She made a break for the door, grabbing her backpack and phone on the way out. "W-Wait! Please!" She paused impatiently, refusing to turn around. "I...I do not want him to hurt you..."

"He's gonna hurt me either way." She let out a sound that was halfway between a sob and a laugh, but it held no humor. "But, hey, maybe you'd get off on that."

_Shitshitshit. What the fuck did you say that for?_

"N-Natsuki?" Oh fuck. She sounded so quiet and hurt, her voice full of pain. "Why...Why would you s-say that?"

She honestly hadn't meant to say it. She hadn't even thought it, she'd just...said something to hurt Yuri. Like she always did. Why the fuck was that her default defense mechanism?!

Natsuki glanced at the phone in her hand. No new messages or missed calls. Weird, usually he'd be blowing her phone up by now. Maybe...just maybe she was safe. How long would that last, though...?

Fuck it. Yuri was more important.

Natsuki dropped her bag and turned. "Yuri I'm so, so sorry. I really didn't mean that!" She went to hug her, but Yuri pushed her away, pulling her knees to her chest and covering her face with her shaking hands.

"I-I trusted you with that!" She was hyperventilating, her breath coming hard. "I-Is that what you truly think of me?"

Panicked, Natsuki shook her head. She hadn't even noticed she had begun pacing.

 _You fucked this up. She's never going to forgive you now. She'll abandon you_.

_Shut up. Shut up. Shut up._

Natsuki forced herself to sit down on the side of the bed to stop herself from pacing, attempting to calm her racing mind. 

_Fuck, Nat, cmon. Figure out how to fix this._

"I don't, Yuri! I promise!" Yuri was trembling. A lot. She'd hurt her.

_You're turning out just like him._

**_SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP._ **

"I'm just so, so stressed out right now! Please believe me!" She begged, tears stinging her eyes. This was too much, she didn't know how to fix this.

Yuri shook her head. She was still clearly panicking, her voice unsteady. Natsuki had really fucked up this time. "Why should I?"

"Because I'm going to stay here tonight and do everything in my power to prove it to you."

Yuri laughed dryly. "No matter what you think of me, Natsuki, I am not letting you stay here and end up angering your father more."

"I can make my own choices, y'know? Besides I doubt he's even noticed I'm gone, look." Natsuki angled her phone to show Yuri the lack of messages. She just shook her head firmly.

"No, y-you cannot-"

"Try and stop me." Natsuki folded her arms over her chest. "Yuri...I really am sorry."

Yuri shakily dropped her hands from her face, refusing to meet Natsuki's eye, her breathing slowly calming. "T-That really hurt, what you said. Please...try not to say anything like that again, I..."

"I won't. I promise." She was really going to have to watch her tongue from here on out. Hurting Yuri, either physically or emotionally...yeah that was a kick in the teeth.

It hit far too close to home.

 

* * *

 

They sat on the sofa, relaxing with bowls of ice cream in their hands and the TV quietly playing a news channel. Natsuki had been feeling groggy from their nap and conversation, so once Yuri had calmed down she had suggested that they get something sweet to wake themselves up a little. And here they were.

Natsuki ran her spoon in circles around the pink slush. "How did you know strawberry is my favourite?"

Yuri blushed. "You mentioned it some time ago."

"You really remembered that?"

"Of course I did," Yuri paused for a moment, her spoon resting on her lower lip. "Natsuki?" She hummed in question. "Could you show me one of the anime shows that you love so much?"

Natsuki blinked. Had she really just asked that? "Really? Why?"

"Well, I, um..." Yuri scratched her temple. "I wanted to learn more about your interests."

Wow, that was actually really sweet. Natsuki grinned, jumping up and grabbing the remote. "Well why didn't you say so! I'll show you Angel Beats. It was the first one I saw so we'll have the same experience. There's also a character called Yuri in it."

Yuri raised an eyebrow with a smile. "I see what you are doing. Make it seem relatable to get me to enjoy it more. Very clever."

"N-No! Of course not," she stuck her nose in the air as she searched the TV for the show. "I'm not that shallow."

"Of course not," Yuri said, her voice cheeky. Natsuki only shot her a glare before settling back onto the sofa, pulling her feet up onto the fabric. She found the show and started it up.

Natsuki watched intently. She still felt guilty about their conversation before and she wasn't entirely convinced that Yuri had forgiven her fully yet, which was fair enough. She didn't expect that.

But she couldn't dwell on that now. Otonashi was meeting Kanade! Well, Angel at this point.

Scraping the bowl with the spoon for the last streaks of melted ice cream, Natsuki watched the TV with great care. "Hand sonic," she whispered along with Angel.

Yuri peered at her curiously. "You really do love this."

"Shhh!" Natsuki flapped a hand at her without taking her eyes off the screen. Yuri would get no sense out of her for a while. But, hey, she asked for this!

They got through a couple of episodes before Natsuki's phone buzzed.

Her heard practically stopped. Why now? Oh God he was going to kill her...

She reached for it with numb fingers, taking it from the coffee table before her. She sighed a breath of relief. Group chat notification. Well, may as well check now.

  
_**(1) New Message(s):**_

_10:12pm: lilmonix3 - I need to talk to you two. Can both of you make it to the club tomorrow? Usual time?_

  
Natsuki chewed her lip nervously and paused the TV. She showed Yuri the message. "Something isn't right."

"It does sound rather strange..."

Natsuki typed a quick message in reply. 

 

_10:13pm: sugar^and^spice - Yeah I can make it_

_10:14pm: lilmonix3 - @Love_For_Literature, can you come?_

_10:14pm: sugar^and^spice - She knows, she's with me. She'll be there_

_10:15pm: lilmonix3 - Oh! Be good you two ;3_

_10:15pm: sugar^and^spice - Oh shush, Moni_

 

Natsuki turned her phone off and resumed the anime. She didn't need another scare like that and it was too late to back out now anyway. He didn't know where Yuri lived, they'd be safe.

She glanced over at Yuri who...was actually paying attention to what was happening on the show. Was it too optimistic to assume she was enjoying it? Hmm, maybe. But she swore she'd seen her eyes glaze over when Iwasawa was obliterated. 

"You remind me of Shiina," she said, which resulted in a confused look from Yuri.

"How so?"

Natsuki laughed. "She's all mysterious and she looks like you."

Yuri hummed curiously. "I never would have thought. Besides, you remind me of Yui."

Natsuki shoved her playfully, shuffling closer to her on the sofa. "Hey! She's nothing like me besides the hair colour." That might have been a lie. "And c'mon, Yuri! Every inch of you practically screams 'look at me, I'm mysterious!'."

"How would you know? You have not discovered every inch of me yet." Yuri blinked as if processing her words, until she suddenly looked shocked and a deep blush tinted her cheeks. "O-Oh, jeez! That was way out of line, I..." She hid her face in her long hair.

It was kind of adorable.

Natsuki giggled. "Yet?" Yuri's reactions were always pretty sweet and she didn't disappoint this time. She whined and hid her face further into her hair and shoulder. _Okay, Natsuki, enough messing with her._

"Chill, Yuri. It was funny!" She moved to press a quick kiss to her cheek. She'd kind of hoped to claim her lips but she was doing a really good job of hiding them from her. "It's late," she said, attempting to change the subject.

Yuri smiled a little. "Are you trying to get me into bed?"

Now it was Natsuki's turn to blush. "Yuri!" She groaned, but the other girl's laughter made her smile.

"Come on, I think we are both pretty tired," Yuri stood and offered Natsuki her hand, which she took before being pulled off the sofa. She made a mental note of where they were in the show before switching the TV off.

They walked lazily up the stairs back to Yuri's room. At some point on the way Natsuki had mentioned her lack of clothing change, so Yuri rummaged in a drawer for a moment before tossing her some pajamas.

Natsuki changed in the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror. The clothes were falling off her small body but they were comfortable. She looked tired, but happier. Her eyes appeared a little brighter, her skin and smile warmer. She washed up quickly before returning to Yuri. She had avoided looking at the sink for too long, the memory of all that blood was too...fresh.

Yuri was waiting for her as she slipped quietly back into her room, one half of the covers pulled back and the other half occupied by a sea of purple hair. Natsuki smiled, popping her phone to charge and climbing back into the bed. She kept her distance from Yuri, who was peering at her curiously. Natsuki just traced the patterns on the ceiling with her eyes, chewing her lip.

She was working up the courage to ask her something.

"Yuri?" The other girl hummed curiously in reply. "What exactly...y'know...are we?"

Yuri hummed again, running her finger along the creases in the bedsheet beside Natsuki's body. "What would you like us to be?"

She narrowed her eyes at the ceiling. No, she'd asked first. "Why do you think I asked you?"

"Well, I...uh...I-I know what I would like." Natsuki screwed her eyes shut, taking a deep breath to calm her racing heart. This was either gonna hurt like hell or feel freaking amazing.

"And that is?"

Yuri shifted and although she wasn't looking at her she could already tell she was blushing. She bet it was pretty. She stuttered her words. "I-I, um, I would like to be y-your...your girlfriend."

 _Thank fucking God_.

She had actually just said that! Natsuki let out a relieved breath, laughter bubbling in her belly. Yuri wanted to be her girlfriend! She had no idea why she did, but for now she couldn't care less. Whatever her reasoning, she'd said it.

Natsuki turned to her side, facing Yuri. She looked nervous, her face flushed and red, but Natsuki pressed a soft kiss to her lips. "I'd like that, too."

Yuri sighed, most of tension leaving her, before kissing Natsuki quickly. "Are you sure?" She whispered, her expression a little nervous and sad.

Natsuki blinked. _Really?_ "What do you mean? Of course I am!"

Hesitantly, Yuri spoke up. "W-Well, I mean...There are many things we could never do together. What if one day you...wanted children, I suppose. That could be incredibly hard to work around."

Natsuki shook her head. "Couldn't I say the same for you?" Yuri hummed thoughtfully. "Besides, regarding that topic. I, um, I can't have kids, so..." What was it about conversations late at night that made you spill a load of personal bullshit?

 

* * *

 

_'Parts of you are shutting down like streetlights burning out,'_

_'But I have always felt safest with you in the dark.'_

 

* * *

 

"Really?" Yuri sounded sympathetic and a little sad. Maybe she wanted them? It sounded to Natsuki like Yuri was projecting a bit. But she wasn't going to worry about that, it was getting much too ahead of herself.

Instead, she nodded. "Yeah. I, um, found out a while ago after a pretty bad injury from papa."

Anger flashed in Yuri's eyes, her expression dark. "He did that to you?" Natsuki only nodded again. "That utter bastard!" She'd cursed again! It was pretty funny hearing it come from her.

Natsuki giggled a little. "It's okay, Yuri. I'm fairly certain I'm not straight so it doesn't matter. I've come to terms with it now." She kissed her again, slowly and sweetly. It took a moment for Yuri to relax, but she did eventually. "As for other problems, we can address them if they ever show themselves. No need to stress over something that may never happen, right?"

"I suppose," she murmered, a lazy smile on her face. Yuri leaned forward and kissed her again, her hand cradling Natsuki's face lovingly. It was a slow, gentle kiss, no rushing, no trapped emotions. Just pure relief and happiness. It lasted a while, just the two of them testing the waters and getting to know the other at their own careful paces, unlike their first kiss. It was nice and peaceful and Natsuki's heart soared the whole time. She truly adored this girl.

But after a little while she broke away with a small smile and blinked at her with lazy eyes. "As fun as this is, Yuri, we have school tomorrow." Yuri sighed happily, pressing a little kiss to Natsuki's nose, making her squeak. She felt like the responsible one for once.

"I know. You are just...so sweet." Natsuki blushed and groaned, turning her head into the pillow. Yuri laughed lightly, pulling Natsuki closer to her. "Cheesy, huh?"

"No, it was nice." she murmured against Yuri's neck. After a moment she yawned, exhaustion overcoming her. "I'm tired."

Yuri's hands gently stroked Natsuki's hair, her fingers weaving between the short, pink strands and her nails scratching the back of her neck. It made her shiver pleasantly. "Then let's sleep."

Natsuki did so, allowing herself to drift off. She felt as though she were floating on air, with Yuri's arms keeping her grounded as she slept. Her memories from the past couple of days morphed together into a muddle of dreams.

Sayori, literature, napping Yuri, cupcakes, festivals, Monika, pianos, video games, ice cream...

Suddenly she felt herself falling. Yuri's arms weren't there to protect her, now.

Natsuki woke with a little jolt. There was empty pressure beside her and a distinct lack of warmth. Where was her girlfriend?  
Wow, that sounded really really good. She wanted to scream that from the rooftops.

Carefully, she opened one eye, reluctant to stir too much just in case she alerted anyone of her awake status. She saw Yuri rummaging through her drawers and her mind cleared, heart rate calming. She was safe, she was there. She hadn't left.

Yuri pulled something out of the drawer, closing it quietly and turning to leave the room. As she walked through a thin line of moonlight, she noticed whatever she was holding glinted. A blade.

Oh, a knife.

Of course.

After she shut the door with a faint click, Natsuki let out a deep breath. It was a weird feeling, knowing her girlfriend was leaving to hurt herself and Natsuki wouldn't do a thing about it.

She turned over, staring at the bookshelf beside the bed. Would this ever become a normal thing? Was it okay for her to be scared about it becoming the norm? Would Yuri still want to do that even after they have sex, if they ever did?

And, most importantly, should Natsuki try and help her stop the...addiction? Yuri insisted she was safe, but even so it wasn't exactly a healthy habit to rely on.

An array of thoughts rattled around in her head, but she shook them away. It was late and they'd already discussed a lot of heavy topics today. It was foolish to think she would be okay with Yuri doing that yet, anyway. And Yuri clearly knew that, she was attempting to hide it from her. Maybe at a later date they could talk through this again.

Natsuki drifted off into a weak sleep, her conscious indecisively flitting between awake and asleep. That was until she felt the bed dip behind her and slender arms weave around her small frame once again. Yuri's soft breath dusted the back of her neck once she'd snuggled behind her and it was actually incredibly comforting. When Natsuki fell into sleep again it was an uninterrupted, deep, dreamless sleep.

The best she'd had in years.


	6. Sayori Sorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This gets a little, uh, heavy. Just a warning!

Natsuki left her last class for the day to find Yuri waiting for her outside the room, a bright smile on her face. They walked in synch to the clubroom, chatting about their respective days. They had mutually agreed to keep their budding relationship a secret from their friends until this whole situation blew over.

In the morning she had woken up to find the bed empty. She'd followed a sweet smell and padded downstairs, finding Yuri making pancakes for the two of them. It had been a lovely sight to see, one she hoped she would be able to see again.

Maybe a multiple of times. 

Anyway, Yuri had also given her some money to cover her lunch, as she or Monika often did anyway, and had offered Natsuki some snacks to take with her, just in case. Knowing she was cared for was what had kept Natsuki so positive throughout the day.

But now it was time to meet Monika and find out what the hell was going on.

Monika looked up from her place at a desk when they entered the room and she sent them a clearly forced smile. "Hey guys!" Her fake enthusiasm was painful to listen to.

Natsuki put her hands on her hips. "C'mon, cut the crap, Moni. It's okay." Monika's smile wobbled and her eyes glazed over before she broke. She put her head in her arms against the desk and cried, heaving sobs that shook her whole body. Natsuki and Yuri rushed to pull chairs up at either side of her before wrapping their arms around their friend and whispering soothing words of encouragement. Monika had put on this act for long enough, she needed the chance to cry and they let her.

It hurt Natsuki to see her friend like this when she was usually so strong and positive. Whatever she'd heard at the festival must have been really, really bad.

Monika eventually calmed enough to lift her head, placing her forehead into her hands instead. She shook her head and sniffled, her face contorted with pain. "I don't know what to do. Sayori told me I could tell you two what's happening. She doesn't want you to worry."

Yuri offered her a tissue, which she accepted. "What is it, Monika?"

She wiped the fresh tears from her eyes, which seemed like a pointless thing to do given they were being replaced every second. She hiccuped as she talked. "The morning of the festival she wasn't answering my calls. Y'know, since I call her every morning to make sure she's awake and alright. But it just kept ringing and ringing, until eventually my calls weren't even going through. I was already out of the house and driving to hers by the second attempt, of course, but I tried to call her the whole way there." She breathed in deeply, her breath shuddering as she let it out. "I-I found her. Just...hanging there. In her room. She was barely alive. If I'd arrived even a minute later..."

Oh fuck.

Monika broke again, her cries filled with pain and hurt. Natsuki's heart practically stopped, her hands going numb.

This was bad. This was so fucking bad.

"When she regained consciousness I tried to make her go to the hospital, I was pleading with her. But she was so adamant on not letting us down and coming to the festival. I'm an awful girlfriend, I should have dragged her to the doctors at least."

Natsuki was barely paying attention at this point. Her mind kept flicking between memories. How Sayori had been acting at the festival, the conversation she'd overheard...

She felt tears sting her eyes. Glancing over to Yuri she noticed wet streaks lining her face. She looked like she was going to break.

Monika sniffled. "I wasn't going to let her be alone, though. That much was for certain. Especially since she destroyed her phone before she...yeah. Presumably to shut me up. So I made her come to mine, I figured it wasn't healthy her being at her own place with the memories. She, uh, she asked to drop into hers and pick up some stuff, though, and I let her. I thought she was safe with me. We fell asleep together, I kept her close so she couldn't harm herself again and I was going to force her to the doctors in the morning, but..."

Natsuki wiped her eyes furiously, the tears beginning to fall. How had she been so naive? This whole time Sayori had been struggling and she'd barely noticed.

_Because you're a shit friend._

"I woke up early to her crying and retching in the bathroom. I rushed to see what was wrong and..." Monika screwed her eyes shut. "S-She'd swallowed a bottle of pills. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't think straight, I...I just held her as I screamed and screamed. Over and over. She went limp in my arms. I was so, so convinced I'd lost her. I had called an ambulance when I found her, at least. They arrived in time to save her. Just."

Fucking hell.

Monika sobbed, and it shattered Natsuki's heart, sharp shards sticking into her chest as she breathed.

"The hospital won't let her leave unless she's showing signs of improvement, which is good but now she's stuck somewhere she doesn't want to be, all alone." Natsuki hugged Monika tightly and felt her friend trembling in her arms. "I-I nearly let her die twice in two days. What kind of world does that? _Who_ does that?"

"Monika this isn't your fault!" Natsuki insisted, her voice shaking.

"S-She is right." Yuri had her face in her hands. Her weeping sent another shard into Natsuki's heart.

"This whole time she wouldn't let me save her. She didn't want to be saved. Am I a bad person for hating her for that?" Natsuki shook her head fiercely, ignoring the bruises screaming at her. They could go fuck themselves for all she cared right now. She knew exactly what Monika was talking about. "I just want her to be alright. I wish I was enough to make it go away."

_We all do, Monika. We all do._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I took inspiration from Life is Strange for one of Monika's last lines.


	7. P R O J E C T  L I B I T I N A

After a little while of sniffling Monika had calmed herself enough to put on a brave face, her determination to be strong for Sayori overwhelming her sadness. The air was heavy with a mutual mood. They were all worried about their friend.

There had been some sign ups since the festival, however, so they decided it was in the club's best interest to wait around for a little while.

Natsuki trailed behind Monika to the school bathroom along the hall to clean up while Yuri waited behind on look out duty. With years of social practice behind her back Monika had become an incredibly easy friend to have as she always brought up fresh conversation topics and rarely left anyone out. It was a blessing for a vast majority of the time, but for times like now she knew to just hold her tongue. 

Monika just stared at herself in the mirror with tired eyes and Natsuki kept her own eye on her as she checked herself out. Damn, she looked, and felt, like crap. Beside her Monika finally sighed and pulled out a little emergency makeup kit from her handbag. She didn't think she needed it, Monika looked barely any different with or without the stuff, but it made her feel better about herself and that's what mattered. She tossed Natsuki a fresh wipe before beginning to remove her thin layer of tear-streaked makeup. Natsuki didn't wear it herself, just some concealer now and again if she had any acne, but the wipe was refreshing and helped clear her face.

Monika had already begun applying a little foundation to her cheeks when she caught Natsuki's eyes in the mirror, a knowing smile on her face. At least she'd cheered up a bit. "So...You and Yuri?"

Natsuki raised an eyebrow at her. "What about us?"

"You two have been acting particularly cosy around each other lately..." she winked and bumped her with her hip, to which Natsuki groaned and crossed her arms.

"It's not like that!"

"Uh huh," Monika grinned prettily, reaching for her mascara. "You were there fairly late last night too..." Natsuki shoved her this time and her friend just laughed. "But, seriously, Natsuki. You know youbcan tell me and Sayo anything."

"I know," she sighed, glancing at herself. The other two had far too much on their plates right now, but...soon.

Her friend packed up her makeup quickly once she was satisfied. "C'mon, let's head back. If anyone's shown up poor Yuri will be so out of her element."

Natsuki agreed and the two travelled back to the clubroom in a peaceful silence. Thoughts of Sayori flicked through her mind and she wondered if she would want her and Yuri to visit her in the hospital. Monika had mentioned that she planned on visiting her every day after school and weekends to keep her company until she could return home, the loneliness in that place must be suffocating. Perhaps they could join Monika's visit one day?

Monika gasped loudly as she flung the door open. "Yuri! Is it too optimistic to assume you lured someone with an interest in here?!"

Natsuki peered past her friend. Yuri was sitting at two conjoined desks and another girl had pulled up a chair beside her. They both had identical books out on the desk and had seemed to be in deep conversation before they had interrupted them. Yuri beamed up at the two that had just entered. "Natsuki! Monika! This is Elyssa, she would like to join the club. And she has read 'The Portrait of Markov', too!" Throbbing heat began to rise up Natsuki's chest, her palms becoming clammy as her heart raced. Was that... _jealousy?_ No, it couldn't be, right? She wasn't that sensitive to things like that...

Or maybe she was. Elyssa was really pretty, she could see that with her long, blonde hair and curvy figure. She was tall, like Yuri, and wore loose jewelery along her throat and wrists. She looked too normal to be here, a bit like Monika. And she seemed real cosy over there with Yuri...

Monika was practically bouncing on the spot. "Welcome, Elyssa!" When Natsuki didn't say anything she shoved her a little. "Natsuki, be nice."

"O-Oh, yeah. Hey." She needed to sit down. Slumping into the nearest seat, she stared at the imperfections on the surface of the desk. She felt the crushing weight of Yuri's eyes on her, likely concerned, but she ignored them. _Let her stare._

This really didn't feel good and she wasn't 100% sure why. She wasn't a jealous person usually...or maybe she really was and Yuri had brought it out of her? Either way, she hated whatever the hell was rolling through her head right now. She wanted to scream and cry and tell it to _stop._

"So, what brought you to our neck of the woods?" Monika's voice. Natsuki wasn't watching at this point, just listening. 

"Well, I love reading. That's the first step in a literature club, right? And I saw this advertised at the festival and figured it couldn't hurt to sign up. And thank God I did, I thought I'd never find someone else who's read this damn book!" Yuri laughed at that, sending another twinge to Natsuki's heart. _Yeah, definitely jealousy._

Is this what Sayori felt towards Monika's other friends? Was this even normal? Probably not.

"Well today will be pretty slow with our vice prez being off sick. We're just milling around to see if anyone else shows up!" Monika sounded really happy.

 _Everyone is happier without you_.

_Shut up. Shut up. Shut up._

"So, what else do you read?" Monika threw question after question to Elyssa, which all received enthusiastic answers. As she did so a few other people, all Monika's friends, wandered in and joined their conversation in hopes of expanding the club. 

They all sat together and chatted about literature, even Yuri spoke up a fair bit, and suddenly Natsuki began to feel alienated. She didn't belong here, she only read manga. That was hardly literature in the others' eyes. Monika didn't need her here anymore, she had real club members now, she should just leave so they could enjoy their club in peace...

A gentle hand on her shoulder shocked her back into reality. She looked up to meet Yuri's eye, a concerned look on her face. Natsuki glanced around to find the clubroom nearly empty, only Monika and a couple of her friends still remained, chatting between themselves. She hadn't evening realised they had been dismissed. No sign of Elyssa, fortunately. 

"Would you like to walk home together?" Natsuki glared at the floor, slinging her backpack over her shoulder as she stood up.

"Go walk with Elyssa." Ouch. Well, that sounded incredibly bitchy. Yuri just blinked at her, confused. 

"Why would I do that?" Natsuki let out a frustrated sound, shaking her head. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine! Leave me alone!" She made a break for the door and got halfway down the corridor before a gentle hand on her wrist halted her. 

She sighed defeated. She wanted to kiss Yuri and hold her close while simultaneously shout at her and push her away. God, her emotions were really confusing her right now

They seemed to confuse Yuri too. "Please do not lie to me, I can see right through that." She kept her hand clasped around Natsuki's.  "What is the matter, Natsuki? Have I done something wrong?"

Natsuki turned to face her. She shifted her weight on her feet awkwardly. "No, you haven't."

Yuri rubbed her thumb over Natsuki's knuckles, reassuring her. "I-I do not understand what is wrong...What are you feeling?"

Natsuki grumbled, her free hand resting on her hip. "Overwhelmed, I guess?" Thank fuck the hallways were clear, she'd be mortified if anyone else heard her say this emotional crap.

A sad, knowing smile played at Yuri's lips. "If this is too much for you I will back off for a while, I-"

"No!" Natsuki interrupted. She had the wrong idea. "Not at all, I just..." she huffed, averting her eyes. "I guess I didn't expect this to feel as bad as it is good." She sounded dumb, she knew that, but she didn't care.

Suddenly, Yuri clicked on. "Oh! I-I understand, I can get a little like that too," she looked a little sheepish as she said that, even nervous? "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Natsuki shook her head firmly. This was her own personal issue that she had to work through herself. "Just...be you?"

Yuri sent her a pretty smile. "I can certainly do that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Natsuki's jealousy has a purpose, I haven't quite stolen it off of Yuri!  
> Elyssa and the other group members won't get much screen time, they're just there as an added bonus really! It felt wrong for there to be no sign ups from the festival.  
> Also nothing supernatural will happen in this fic! Elyssa is just there as a little reference to Project Libitina.


	8. Exchanging Letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to space out chapters a little more instead of a new one every day, so we'll see how that goes!

Natsuki carefully opened the door of her and papa's apartment, bracing herself. 

Yuri had walked her right to the bottom of Natsuki's street, saying a nervous goodbye to her before turning back. That had been sweet, baring in mind it was easily a fifteen minute detour for her. She was worried about her, she knew that. And she'd be lying if she said she wasn't, either. 

Taking a deep breath, Natsuki shut the door with enough force to alert her father of her presence. No point in delaying the inevitable, right?

Nothing.

The buzz of the TV vibrated through the small house. Perhaps he was asleep...? Oh wait, no. The clinking of a can, likely beer. _Ugh_.

That was strange. She started to move, making her way up the stairs on unsteady, weak legs, the floorboards below her feet creaking loudly. Her heart was racing.

Any second he would snap.

But he didn't. Natsuki managed to make it safely into her bedroom without angering papa. 

That only unsettled her further, though. 

Well she was here now, miraculously unharmed. She dropped her backpack beside her desk and sat down, pulling her phone out of her pocket with shaking fingers. It still hadn't been turned back on, he could have been calling her this whole time, spamming her with death threats. 

 _Fuck it_. Natsuki switched it on, waiting for it to power up to find...absolutely nothing. 

Even weirder. 

As fun as her spontaneous sleepover with Yuri had been, it had left her a day behind on homework. Rummaging in her bag for a moment she managed to find a crumpled maths worksheet that was due in a couple of days.

 _Ugh, trigonometry._ She groaned inwardly. In general she enjoyed maths, but trig was the absolute bane of her existence.

She got started, working through the first few questions slowly, before her phone buzzed.  

 

**_(1) New Message(s) from: Yuri._ **

_4:02pm: Yuri - Are you alright? Has he harmed you?_

 

Natsuki smiled to herself. Yuri was worried about her, she really cared. She just had to keep reminding herself of that.

 

_4:03pm: Natsuki - He hasn't even acknowledged me yet. I don't think he realised I was even gone_

 

Her phone vibrated after a few minutes. She decided to wait until she had completed the question she was working on before checking it, but in that time it buzzed again.

 

 ** _(2) New Message(s) From: Yuri_**.

_4:07pm: Yuri - Thank God, I was worried._

_4:09pm: Yuri - Would you be able to come over again soon? I miss you, haha._

She could practically hear Yuri's awkward laughter. It made her smile.

 

 _4:11pm: Natsuki - I'd like to but I'll have to see if I can get permission._ _Maybe the weekend is best. We could go to that new milkshake place after school tomorrow, though?_

 

Her palms were sweating. Why was that so nerve wracking?

 

_4:14pm: Yuri - My, my Natsuki. Are you asking me out on a date?_

_4:14pm: Natsuki - Maybe. What do you say?_

_4:16pm: Yuri - I would love to._

 

Natsuki dropped her phone onto her desk and put her head into her hands, breaking out into a big grin. She had a date! With Yuri! Why was that making her feel so giddy? She was already her girlfriend. Well, she guessed it was nice to actually do that kind of relationship stuff with her. It didn't feel like much had changed yet between them.

Her first kiss, her first date and her first girlfriend all in the space of a few days. She briefly wondered what other firsts were to come, but she shook those thoughts from her head. Not helpful. 

She tried to turn back to her work but soon found she couldn't concentrate, her mind wandering too much. Her confidence had skyrocketed since arriving at home so she decided to venture out of her room to hunt for any scrap food.

She doubted she'd find much, though. 

Natsuki leaped up and trotted down the stairs, doing little to hide her footsteps. Surely her father knew she was home by now, perhaps she'd just been extremely lucky? Opening the cupboards one by one she noticed they were just getting emptier the longer she searched. Stale biscuits...an empty pickle jar...a questionable tin of tuna...

Huffing, Natsuki shut the last cupboard and tried the fridge. The cold air sent shivers down her spine and it was all for nothing. Just old tomato puree, garlic cloves and a carton of apple juice. 

Actually, she could have that. 

She reached for the carton with a sigh. She knew papa kept all of the good stuff in a mini fridge by his chair, which he kept locked at all times of course. He kept track of every crumb and drop in there, she'd found that out the hard way a long time ago when she'd stolen a sip of his drink. Occasionally, when he was drunk, he forgot he had eaten or drank something and pinned the blame on her.

Or perhaps that was just an excuse to hurt her.

Natsuki shivered and shut the fridge, defeated. 

_Wait a second...Yuri's snacks!_

She took off running up the stairs and into her room. Splitting her backback open she found two "sharing" packs of crisps and a chocolate bar.  _Oh, Yuri, you wonderful girl!_   Natsuki whimpered with delight, tearing open the bag of Doritos and shoving a handful into her mouth, practically moaning as she chewed them. 

_Why are carbs so damn good!?_

Papa would be furious if he knew she had smuggled these in, but she really couldn't care less right now. She trotted over to the bed happily, crisps in hand, and crawled onto the mattress, her back resting against the wall. She took out her phone, scrolling through social media for a little while as she picked at the crisps. 

 _Ugh, nothing interesting_. 

Suddenly an idea sprung to mind.

After clapping the Dorito dust from her hands Natsuki brought up the search engine on her phone, typing "The Portrait of Markov" into it.

A Wikipedia page, some reddit threads, projectlibitina.com...bingo! An online copy! Exactly what she was looking for. 

She brought the page up, scanning the introduction to the book. _Hmm, pretty much everything Yuri has mentioned_. She started to read it slowly, unsure if she'd be able to stand it too long. But Yuri talked about this book whenever she had a chance, it was only fair that Natsuki gave it a go, especially after how thoughtful Yuri had been about her anime.

One chapter down already? Maybe she was getting more into this than she thought she would. 

Another chapter.

Then another. 

Soon Natsuki was lying on her back, the Doritos well and truly eaten, while she held her phone above her head as she read, completely engrossed. Why hadn't she listened to Yuri sooner?

Horror really wasn't her thing, she preferred sweeter, light hearted themes, but The Portrait of Markov was...different. It didn't try too hard to be a horror book, and to be honest it really wasn't scary. It was more interesting than anything. It had always sounded so dark and creepy when Yuri described it.

In reality, it wasn't actually as bad as she'd imagined. 

Her phone vibrated in her hands and she nearly ignored the message until she saw Yuri's name in the notification bar. 

 

**_(1) New Message From: Yuri._ **

_6:56pm: Yuri - I may or may not be watching Angel Beats as we speak._

 

Natsuki giggled to herself. She knew Yuri would enjoy it!

 

_6:57pm: Natsuki - Hah! Aren't I a genius??_

 

She purposely avoided mentioning that she was reading The Portrait of Markov. Partially to avoid spoilers and also it seemed a little desperate after the events of earlier. But maybe that really was most of the reason why she had decided to read it. Even so, she was enjoying it either way.

 

_6:59pm: Yuri - That you are._

_7:01pm: Natsuki - Which part are you up to?_

 

They exchanged messages, texting back and forth as Natsuki read the book in between replies. The conversation moved from the anime to their past day at school, their upcoming plans, Sayori, childhood memories, why Monika is possibility staying behind so late for piano...it continued long after the sun went down and she devoured the chocolate and other packet of crisps as they spoke. It was peaceful and she found herself smiling a lot, even laughing at some points.

Eventually, however, she became too tired to continue reading and just focused on messaging Yuri instead. 

And after she yawned for the fourth time in a row Natsuki finally gave into her exhaustion. 

 

_11:40pm: Natsuki - I'm gonna go to sleep. Cya in the morning_

_11:41pm: Yuri - See you then, sleep well Natsuki._

_11:41pm: Natsuki - You too <3_

_11:41pm: Yuri - <3_

 

She smiled, hugging her phone to her chest. She was happy.


	9. The Kind Mask Slips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I totally lied to myself when I said I was going to space updates out. Maybe after this chapter??

The various whispers and mutters of other students milling around and keeping their distance was slowly becoming increasingly irritating over the expanse of the day. 

 

_"Pretty sure her and Monika broke up."_

_"I heard there was an ambulance outside of her house."_

_"No, I think it was Monika's house."_

_"This is all for attention, she's fine."_

_"Someone told me she tried to kill herself."_

_"Definitely for attention. Is dating Monika not enough?"_

_"If they even are any more. Not what I heard. Monika looks pretty down, so..."_

_"I wonder how she did it."_

 

Natsuki clenched her fists, her fiery temper flaring. How  _fucking_  dare they. To her left Sayori's abandoned desk sat unoccupied once again, apparently a few days of staying clear from school encouraged a shit load of rumors to fly around. 

This was so, incredibly unfair on Sayori. She hadn't encouraged this kind of attention and if she knew some of the things they'd been saying...well, Natsuki was fairly sure they would only add to the initial problem. Her calculated gaze dropped to the phone in her hand, scanning the messages upon the little screen. 

 

_Old Message(s):_

_1:25pm: sugar^and^spice - I hate to be a downer but I keep hearing some really shitty things about Sayori from our classmates. Can you do anything about these rumors, Monika?_

_1:27pm: Love_For_Literature - I am afraid I have heard some unpleasant statements too._

**_(1) New Message(s):_ **

_1:29pm: lilmonix3 - I'm working on it._

 

Being student body president gave Monika a little influence over situations like this with aid from the student body, fortunately. Hopefully she would be able to diffuse the rumors quickly, particularly before Sayori returned. It would already be hard enough for her, couple that with constant staring and whispering leaves a pretty tough situation. 

"Phone away, Natsuki. I will not ask again." She scowled tensely at the teacher, her grip on her mobile tightening. _So it's perfectly damn fine for the other students to belittle Sayori but not for me to try and help?_

_Fuck this backwards school._

However, she grit her teeth and did what she had been ordered to. Despite her snarky attitude she still tried to be a good student. Her eyes landed on Sayori's empty desk beside her, a twinge of pain shooting up her chest and wrapping cold fingers around her heart. If she had succeeded in ending her life...yeah, that would have been so fucking tough. Her best friend had been suffering and she had never even thought twice about it. Hopefully Sayori would want to see her at some point, she missed her. 

 

* * *

 

**_(2) New Message(s):_ **

_2:40pm: lilmonix3 - I've spoken to the student council. They're going to help control the spread of the rumors, we've done it before we can do it again._

_2:44pm: Love_For_Literature - Thank you again for that. I certainly hope it works this time, too. Poor Sayori._

 

Natsuki breathed a quiet sigh of relief, the little ball of mangled tension in her chest loosening. That was a good start, at least. 

 

_2:46pm: sugar^and^spice - Nice one, Moni_

_2:47pm: lilmonix3 - Hey, aren't you supposed to be in a lesson??_

_2:49pm: sugar^and^spice - You didn't hear a thing from me..._

 

She pocketed her phone and turned back to the work in front of her.  _More trigonometry, ugh._

Maths was the only lesson she didn't share with Sayori and it was actually a pleasant change from seeing her empty desk for consistent hours on end. Instead she had another student that she could tolerate talking to, which could be fairly entertaining. They often talked about their mutual interest in manga and anime, Natsuki tended to use her to get her experiences off her chest. It was an awful feeling when something exciting happened and she had no one to talk to about it, but that's when Mia stood in. Since Natsuki had recently re-watched it, they had discussed Angel Beats again throughout the course of the lesson. Partially because she wanted to and partially to distract her from bringing up Sayori as a conversation topic, as a lot of other arrogant students had attempted. She was getting progressively more annoyed at being asked if she knew what had happened, but fortunately a sharp, sly remark would send them scuttling. They had no right to pry, after all.

The class was dismissed while Natsuki and her friend were still discussing the anime, their conflicting opinions on the relationship between Kanade and Otonashi the forefront of their conversation as they left. But Natsuki halted in surprise when her eyes landed on Monika and Yuri, seemingly waiting for her. She raised a curious eyebrow, they usually met her at the club. "Hey? What are you doing here?"

Monika stepped forward and linked her arm through Natsuki's, her signature twinkle in her eye. "It's club time! We were passing the class and thought we may as well wait for you." She glanced passively to Yuri who was noticeably fidgeting with the hem of her azure skirt, but she sent her an uncomfortable smile anyway. Natsuki waved her friend away before she was pulled along the corridor by an overly chatty Monika, Yuri trailing apprehensively beside her like a lost dog. She was being much quieter than usual and it unnerved her a little, but she didn't get much time to dwell on that before Monika breezed through the club room door with a contented sigh.

As silly as it was, Natsuki still didn't feel as though she belonged there anymore. If anything she had debated skipped the literature club today, with no Sayori present to keep her occupied and the other, new members getting acquainted she wasn't sure whether it would be worth it, really. Her friends were both happier there without her, they didn't need that dead weight dragging them down.

She sat at a free desk reluctantly, Yuri sliding quietly into the chair beside her as the president detached from them to speak privately to another student. Natsuki worked her jaw a little before speaking up. "You don't have to feel obligated to sit with me, you know?" 

Yuri pulled a book out of her bag, one Natsuki hadn't seen her read before, and peered at her curiously through narrowed eyes. "Why would I not?"

Her voice was quiet and reserved, which wouldn't be unusual if she hadn't been so... _normal_  with Natsuki lately. Something was definitely wrong, but she had been fine at lunch as far as she could recall. It frustrated her, a lot. "Doesn't matter," she said dismissively and Yuri timidly opened her mouth to reply before another figure slipped into the desk beside her, cutting her off with a quick, keen greeting.  _Oh, Elyssa._

"Hello, Elyssa," she said formally and gestured to Natsuki. "You remember my girlfriend, Natsuki?" Even in the depths of her poor mood it felt damn good to hear her say that aloud. Elyssa looked a little surprised, but beamed nonetheless.

"Oh yeah! The one who made those _super_ delicious cupcakes at the festival." Natsuki shrugged tightly and slouched back into her seat. She was well aware that Elyssa was just trying to butter her up, but she played along regardless of the obvious bait.

"Bad news, they're not a regular treat," she quipped, crossing her arms over her chest. Elyssa just laughed. Maybe she wasn't so bad, after all. 

"So how long have you two been together? I didn't know you were." She sounded genuinely intrigued. Despite the question being aimed at her, Natsuki glimpsed mindfully across at Yuri who seemed surprisingly taut, her jaw stiff and her narrowed eyes rigidly plastered to the book between her hands. It was strange, but she shook it off to answer.

"Not long. Don't tell Monika, though, she doesn't know yet." 

Elyssa motioned a cross over her heart, "Promise!" Her view landed on an unfamiliar student who had recently entered the classroom, presumably her friend, and she jumped up fluently from her seat, shooting the girls a quick grin. "See you two later!" And with that, she was gone.

Natsuki released a pent up breath of relief and turned to wave an impatient hand in front of Yuri's face, her expression still chilly. "Hello? Earth to Yuri?" Her girlfriend jumped, a nervous laugh escaping her lips as her manner softened into shock. "You okay?"

"Of course!" Her shaking voice hardly convinced Natsuki, but she let it go anyway. Now really wasn't the time to pry. Instead she allowed her to turn back to her book and decided herself to pull out her phone, opening the browser to continue where she had left off in The Portrait of Markov. She only worked through a couple of paragraphs before she was interrupted.

"Okay, everyone!" Monika's voice cut through the air like a blade, silencing the room in an instant. "I have made the decision to call off club meetings until our vice president has returned. It's a little unfair to kick start this new era without one of the founding members," she winked at Natsuki and Yuri. What was that supposed to mean? "I'll let you all know when it's officially up and running again." That sent a painful twinge to Natsuki's heart. Their once compact club was changing...and she wasn't yet certain if that was really for the better. She wasn't prepared for "club" activities with a group of people she didn't know. Would the others join the four of them on their club outings, too? What if Sayori and Monika gradually drifted away from her and Yuri for the other members? Or, even worse, would  _Yuri_  stray from her? She would hardly be surprised.

As the other students began to chat among themselves and mingle a little, Monika trotted up to their desk, her eyes alight. "Are you two free next Saturday?" Yuri and Natsuki exchanged an interested look before nodding as a form of validation. "Great! I think we should do something! I can see if the hospital will let Sayori have a supervised day out and us four can make arrangements to celebrate the club's success. What do you think?"

 _Okay, maybe she does care._ Surely Monika saw her as more than just another name on the member list right?

"It sounds wonderful, but...It was my belief that next Saturday is your anniversary with Sayori..." Yuri said, rubbing circles on her wrist. A nervous habit of hers that she'd recently begun performing a fair amount. It was true, however, they'd been talking about that for months.

With a brisk flick of auburn hair Monika sent her a slight smile and shrugged loosely. "It is, two years and counting. But I think she would much prefer to spend her free day with all three of us rather than just me. What do you say?"

Natsuki grinned a little, excitement to see Sayori bubbling in her belly as she shuffled in her seat. "Hell yeah, let's do it!" Again, she would need to make sure she had permission before solidifying any plans, but having a set date was a useful foundation to work with.

Beside her Yuri nodded in union. "I would love to."

Bouncing on her heels, Monika's delighted smile widened and she clapped her hands together swiftly. That girl had _far_ too much energy. "Awesome! I'll talk to Sayori today about it."

 

* * *

 

"Can I ask you something?"

"O-Of course."

"You've been acting weird today, what's up?" 

They sat in a wide, red booth of the milkshake bar, the coloured faux leather of the seats squeaking in irritation as Yuri shifted her weight uncomfortably at the question. Natsuki just peered across the expanse of the table at her, waiting impatiently. The small establishment was made out to look like a mini American diner with several rows of booths boasting a red and white colour scheme and quiet 50s music playing on a retro jukebox. An array of plaques and signs hosted pinup girls and vinyls along the white painted walls. They did serve food, too. Not that she had the money to buy any.

"I-um," Yuri stuttered. She had been particularly quiet since she had met her outside of the classroom and it was gradually beginning to bother Natsuki. "I-It is nothing!"

"No, it's not," Natsuki said, frustration beginning to seeth under the surface. She was easy to read, at least. "Something's on your mind."

That earned a blush from Yuri, which would have looked pretty if she wasn't so damn curious. "I assure you, Natsuki, it is nothing to worry about. I just..." she glanced at her before averting her eyes again and taking a deep breath. "I just have this, um, problem when it comes to relationships...I-I probably should have warned you earlier but I was hoping this would not happen...Yet it has, um, started to."

 _What was she talking about? A problem?_  Natsuki leaned over the table and placed a reassuring hand on Yuri's arm. At least she hoped it was reassuring. "What is it, Yuri? You can tell me."

"I-It may put you off a little," she admitted, looking flustered. Did she really think she would just bolt after everything they'd already went through?

"C'mon, I've proved I'm not that easily scared away!" It was hardly fair or healthy to allow Yuri to just bottle up her thoughts, she knew that. They'd already discussed so much and she had been well aware that many of their personal issues hadn't yet been mentioned, surely this couldn't hurt.

Eventually Yuri let out a small breath as she dropped her hand to the table slowly and took Natsuki's into it, their fingers intertwining. "I can tend to get a little, uh...Possessive, I suppose," she muttered, her head low.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean..." Yuri nipped her lip, sending an untimely, pleasant shiver up her spine.  _Not now._  "Remember how you were feeling yesterday?" Natsuki nodded in confirmation. "Well, times that by ten and add a stab to the heart." She laughed nervously, but it held little humor. "It is crazy, I know, but...I have very little control over those feelings and I have no idea why I even experience them, I am aware they are irrational. Sometimes I can end up acting out on them if they're particularly awful. I, um, I have never been in a relationship long enough to know whether it will get better with time, either. I was very much hoping to avoid this, but-"

She was rambling. Natsuki squeezed her fingers gently and felt her relax briefly at her touch. So this was about her and her other friend...sort of how she had reacted towards Elyssa? Wait, but hadn't Yuri had a bad reaction when she had talked to Elyssa too, though?

Either way, Yuri was just worried about losing her, that wasn't necessarily a bad thing, was it? "I'm not going to judge your feelings," she said with confidence.

"Y-You cannot say for certain, Natsuki. You have never seen it," she seemed simultaneously afraid and sad. It surely couldn't be  _that_  bad, right? That wasn't in character for the sweet, shy bookworm she knew so well. Perhaps she just assumed Natsuki would be more sensitive to those things due to her father and was just being extra careful?

"Well," she started slowly, "At least you're aware of the problem, yeah? If it ever gets bad I want you to talk to me, I won't mind." She was mumbling slightly, not yet used to the cheesy relationship stuff. "I mean, I've had similar feelings, right? So I get it, I guess."

"I...I would hate myself if I ever reminded you of _him_ , you know?"

Natsuki shook her head firmly, wincing at the forgotten bruises. "You won't."

At least that made Yuri smile. A shy, sad smile that tugged Natsuki's heartstrings. "We will see. I am...um, afraid of scaring you away, I suppose." That was sweet, she thought. But there wasn't much about her girlfriend that was scary that she knew of, aside from the knives. She doubted Yuri would ever hurt her, but...maybe someone else if she felt threatened enough? Did she even have the capacity to hurt someone? Then again, she had looked frighteningly vicious when she had uncovered Natsuki's bruises...

What was she thinking? Yuri was much too delicate for anything like that.

_Right?_


	10. What Will It Take Just To Find That Happy Day?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear the universe is telling me not to write this story. I lost yet another two chapters that I'm gonna have to rewrite, ugh! So sorry if updates are a little slow. 
> 
> Anyway, it's time for a Sayori POV! I really enjoyed writing this, I think she's my favourite character to do perspectives of, which is lucky since I've wrote this three times now thanks to flawed technology!

The hospital room was bleak, to say the least. All white and dull, except for a pretty bouquet of ruby roses in a little cerulean vase by the bed that Monika had brought after her first night in the hospital. Any other day Sayori would have tried to find some sort of symbolism in that, but...she was just too drained today. There were thin, weak ribbons of sunlight peeking through the strips in the closed blinds; she tried to peer through them to catch a glimpse of the outside world without much luck. She sighed inwardly and gave up, deciding to stare at the plain sheets instead, watching with false enthusiasm as her hand made soft crinkles in it. She missed sunshine.

An open book lay beside her on the bed. She had discarded it in frustration after scanning the same paragraph six times and taking none of it in. Some sort of stupid side effect of the medication they'd put her on, apparently. Yuri would probably scold her if she knew. Heh, she missed her.

The hospital food was fairly awful, too. All tasteless mush and no substance. Monika had even begun bringing her snacks to actually give her palette something interesting to taste. Perhaps Sayori could persuade Natsuki to make her something sweet? She missed her baking. And she missed her.

And then there was Monika. Her beautiful, dear Monika. She adored her so, so much, but often that only contributed to the problem. Sayori really didn't deserve her, she knew that rationally. Her girlfriend was pretty, popular, student body president, had a ton of skills and hobbies, always got straight As, had goals and ambitions for after high school...basically the complete and utter opposite of herself. She was also very much aware that a few of the other, better students had fairly large crushes on her, too, which only made her jealousy flare. Hah, yet another of her countless flaws. Monika could have nearly any guy or girl in the school, she doubted she would ever comprehend why she had settled for sad ol' Sayori. But, _oh God_ , she still missed her. So much.

Sayori sighed again. Depression really sucked. She knew there had to be _some_ logical reasoning as to why Monika loved her. She just...couldn't fathom any. At all. Even after being together for nearly two years. There was a knot of worry eating away at her reasonable mind that forced her to believe their relationship was all some huge plot to unearth her weaknesses so Monika could exploit them and influence people to hate her.

Well, more than some already did. Being a popular girl's girlfriend led to a fair bit of attention which she didn't always thrive in.

She was selfish. So, disgustingly selfish. She had this beautiful, amazing, caring girlfriend who had proved time and time again that she truly loved her and yet...Sayori didn't believe it. She wasn't fully appreciating Monika's capacity to love her, she knew that. But she wanted to, she honestly did. It was all her stupid, dumb, annoying depression's fault.

She was taking this bright, glowing angel and corrupting her with her own maddening darkness. It was truly a selfish thing to do.

All she truly wanted was to be content with herself and her relationships with her friends and girlfriend, but...she persistently had that nagging, mood depleting voice at the base of her thoughts, constantly reminding her of her fears and insecurities in hushed whispers whenever she attempted to enjoy herself. She had a driving desire to be happy but she didn't possess the motivation to work to get better, so instead she donned a false mask of cheeriness for security and pretended everything was perfectly fine.  _What a vicious cycle, right?_

The years of numb melancholy had eaten away at her mentality and had left her weak and withered, and in addition to her recent suicidal tendencies she was currently left a hollow shell of the girl she had once been. The fight against her depression was tough and only becoming harder. Despite Monika's reassurance, she didn't feel strong or brave. In reality she felt...splintered beyond repair. So much so that anyone who were to come close to her would harm themselves on her loose fragments, and she didn't want her friends to have to take that risk. She didn't want to hurt her girlfriend any more.

Doubt plagued her every moment of every day, reminding her that she didn't deserve to be alive if she couldn't entirely appreciate her life. She was a waste of space and oxygen, someone who held the potential to fully appreciate her friends' love could take her place once she was gone and then everyone would be happy without her.

_Wouldn't they?_

Sayori hadn't yet begun to regret her actions from the previous days, but she was well aware it was inevitably going to crush her. _Oh, boy,_ she was not looking forward to that in the slightest. She was painfully sick of guilt and hurt and suffering. She'd always hated saddening Monika and she knew fine well she'd devastated her beyond compare by doing what she had done. Late at night when her racing mind kept her awake long into the early hours of the morning she could still hear the pained screaming and crying from when she had found her, the sounds tearing through her mind, driving her to insanity. The memories sent icy shivers through her entire body, clawing hands suffocating her.

But that was all just some act, remember? Monika didn't really care, she more than likely wanted her dead to be honest, then she could be free. Finally, she wouldn't need an excuse to leave her like she so desired. No doubt Natsuki and Yuri would despise her for this whole situation, too.

She couldn't even kill herself successfully without disappointing someone. She just wanted it to be over, in whichever way would be easier.

Then again, didn't her friends care about her? They acted like it, sure, but she had convinced herself long ago that it was all just a performance out of pity. That little flicker of hope remained, though, however dim it was, and occasionally she latched onto it to fight.

The thought of continuing her battle left her feeling frail and weary, but she knew she had to at least make an attempt. Not for herself, she couldn't give a damn whether she lived or died, but for three very specific people in her life.

"Heya, Good Lookin'!" _Monika's voice!_

Most of her self deprecating thoughts vanished into thin air as she witnessed her girlfriend enter her room. Funny how that worked sometimes. _Gosh, she's so pretty._ She had recently left school, clearly, as she was still wearing her uniform, her long hair tied up in with her signature white bow. The days were incredibly lonely without any means of contacting her loved ones thanks to her stupid decision to destroy her phone, so those hours that Monika came to visit were an absolute Godsend. She was pushing something large along on wheels...a piano? Why did she need that?

"Moni?" She asked curiously. Her girlfriend shot her a charming grin, trotting up to her bedside and giving her a quick kiss. That always felt so good. Monika had never attempted to hide their relationship from their peers, even the ones who disapproved, and she always boasted about her on social media for the whole world to see...surely that meant she enjoyed being with her, right? She wouldn't do anything even remotely similar to that if she was ashamed of her, would she? "What are you doing?" Sayori peered behind her and noticed a few of her regular nurses were standing by the door watching keenly. They offered her kind smiles, which she returned with a little wave.

"I wrote a song for you! Lyrics, music, everything." Monika sat on a stool she'd pulled up, testing the keys one by one from high to low, her fingers flowing effortlessly along the faux ivory. It sounded pretty, she had talented fingers. _Heh, yeah she does._ Now she'd resorted to laughing at her own lame jokes inside of her head? She really was a saddo. "The hospital is letting me perform it for you. It's called 'Your Reality.' Do you want to hear it?"

Sayori nodded eagerly, her heart swelling blissfully. She always loved hearing Monika sing, it was one of the many attributes that had led her to fall so completely in love with her. Her girlfriend blew her a kiss and took a shaky breath before starting.

The piano melody sounded pretty to Sayori's starved senses, Monika knew her way around the instrument like it was second nature. And her singing...it nearly always provoked goosebumps to agitate her skin. She had a voice that could convey raw emotion effortlessly, and this song definitely sent chills down her spine, making her shiver. Monka had put a lot of effort into this. Tears stung her eyes, threatening to fall.

An imaginary switch flicked in Sayori's mind. Monika had genuinely spent her free time composing sheet music and a song for her. Just for her. She cared, she truly, honestly loved her and no one else, not in the same way she loved Sayori. 

She saw that now. It was suddenly clear as day.

She loved those simple moments of clarity when her mind fully supported her and gave her that spur of hope. It always helped her fight harder against her depression, and this time she intended to freaking pummel it into the earth. 

Monika brought the song to a close, the last chord echoing away into the halls of the hospital. She heard quiet murmurs of approval radiating from the nurses but she didn't, _couldn't_ , register them. The balls of her cheeks felt wet. Was she crying?

She heard herself sniffle. She must have been, then. Monika made her way over to her, her weight dipping the mattress as she sat carefully on the side of the bed and took her into her arms, lovingly stroking her hair and peppering sweet kisses to her head. "Moni...that was so beautiful." She whimpered, hugging her girlfriend to her tightly as she clung to her clothing. With painful breaths she inhaled the familiar scent of her in deeply, savoring it. She was alive. "Thank you so much. I really loved it."

She was _alive._

Monika chuckled softly, her voice gentle. "It was my pleasure, sweetheart. I'm so glad you liked it."

Determination welled up inside of her, fighting against its previous restraints. "Monika?" She hummed curiously. "I-I want to get better. I do. I'm gonna try so, so hard to."

With a choked, almost relieved laugh Monika hugged her tighter, her voice breaking as she spoke. "That's the best news I've heard in a long time."

_I am going to fucking beat this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you tweak the song a tiny bit (changing all the "his" to "hers" and adjusting a couple of the lines) I think "Your Reality" really suits Monika and Sayori's situation in this fic. Can you tell Monika is my favourite? Hah, I don't try to hide that fact at all. 
> 
> If anyone has any suggestions for filler I'm happy to take them! I know how this will end, but I feel like I need more little things to happen before then. Just anything you would like to see happen between any of the characters, really! I don't want this to be consistent plot, I'd like to add some extra scenes in.


	11. Sugar and Spice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a little bit of writer's block with this chapter, so sorry for the late update!

"Wait, you have seriously started reading it?"

"Yeah! Why would I lie?"

Yuri laughed airily, swirling her straw in gentle circles around the thick, red slush in the slender milkshake glass before her. Her delighted grin was simply contagious and Natsuki soon found herself laughing alongside her. "Why is that so surprising?!"

"Because!" Yuri shrugged loosely, "I assumed you would be too stubborn to give it a chance."

Luckily Yuri had begun to relax more into her laid-back, sweeter persona since she had admitted her feelings and they had actually been having a really great time. They had ordered their drinks not long after their conversation; she had chosen strawberry, of course, and Yuri had ordered her own alongside a portion of fries for them to share.

She had noted the price of them on her phone.

Funnily enough, Natsuki would never have pinned Yuri as a sour cherry type of girl, but when she had chose it without a second thought it just seemed like the perfect flavour for her, charming and dark. 

Her arms folded tightly across her chest and she wrestled against the immense desire to stick her tongue out at her. "Hey! I'm not stubborn!" Yuri rolled her eyes playfully, a cheeky smile teasing the corners of her lips.

"Refusing to admit you are stubborn only supports my theory, sweetie." Natsuki blinked at her. _Sweetie_. That sounded...really nice, actually. She had always thought pet names were pretty cheesy, so why did she like that so much?

Like a scolded puppy she grumbled in defeat. "Still! I did give it a chance. It's not, y'know, _that_ bad." Yuri hummed cheerfully, her lips closing around the straw between her fingers as she gazed across the diner table at Natsuki, batting her long eyelashes. Little ripples simmered in her chest at the sight, her stomach tightening. _Why was that so fucking hot? Control yourself, Natsuki._

"Well," Yuri continued after a moment, seemingly oblivious to what she had been doing to her only seconds before. "I love that you gave it a try, at least. How far are you?"

Huffing, Natsuki took a taste of her own drink, the syrupy strawberry a pleasant contrast to the salted fries she had been picking at. "Not telling! I know you're awful at not giving spoilers away." She felt kind of dazed, in a surreal, disorienting way, all thanks to the girl sitting opposite her ignorantly. _What the hell was the little witch doing?_

Playing along, Yuri pretended to look hurt. Her sparkling eyes gave her away, though, as she dramatically slapped a hand to her chest with a gasp. "I would never!" Natsuki giggled, taking another sip of her milkshake.

"Oh, you would and you do!" Yuri actually pouted her lips in response, which looked pretty damn cute on her.

_Ugh, wait, no. Not cute._

She shoved those thoughts aside, she hardly needed those bitter memories right now. 

"Fine, I relent," Yuri said with an overly theatrical sigh. "You win. However, I am definitely bringing this up again once you have finished."

With a sharp, snappy laugh Natsuki stuck her hand across the table for Yuri to shake, which she did swiftly. "Deal!" _Damn, her hands are so soft. Why'_ _d she have to pull away?_

"So, um," Yuri started once her laughter died off. "This weekend? Do you still think you will be able to visit?" 

Natsuki hummed in thought, playing with her straw mindlessly in between sips. "I can try. What'dya have planned?"

Yuri stuttered her words out hesitantly, "Well, uh, nothing specific, really...But last time was incredibly fun, so..." The sudden shyness was such a contrast to the playful attitude from a minute ago. With an exaggerated roll of her eye Natsuki promptly jumped up from her current seat and traveled clumsily to the other booth to slip beside Yuri, who seemed surprised at her arrival. _What's so wrong about sitting beside your girlfriend, huh?_

"Well I'm sure we can think of something." Natsuki slouched back against the faux leather with a content sigh, nibbling the plastic straw mindlessly between her teeth as she lost herself in her thoughts. There were plenty of things they could do, but perhaps they should spend their free time doing something more productive than laying around all day. It was highly doubtful that papa would be so lenient with her spending more and more time outside of the house so it was best to treasure the time she had access to. Surely he would get suspicious soon, how would be even react if he found out about her and Yuri...? She felt the heat drain from her as an icy hand squeezed her heart. That didn't even warrant thinking about.

Natsuki shivered and stuttered out the first thing that came to her mind, halting her thought process from wandering too far into dangerous territory. "So, uh, can I try your shake?" With a hum Yuri pushed her glass closer to her, which she took as a valid form of invitation and so she closed her lips around the other girl's straw, taking a long sip.

It was a little less sweet than her strawberry and it almost tasted like children's cough medicine, but it was thick and fruity and she liked it. "Doesn't beat mine, but it's alright."

Natsuki's tongue darted out to catch a little of the milkshake that had splashed onto her lower lip and when she looked up again Yuri's mouth was parted slightly, her breath coming in short, fast bursts as she watched her attentively. She hastily blushed and averted her eyes once Natsuki caught her staring, taking the glass back to take a long, calming drink, her heated face hidden behind a curtain of hair. "A-Ah, yes." 

 _Well, at least I'm not the only one feeling that way..._ she thought, her heart pounding as Yuri worried her lip.

Attempting to keep her voice light she spoke as she pushed her own glass closer to her girlfriend. Two could play at this game. "Try it." Yuri hesitated before returning Natsuki's gesture, taking an overly prolonged taste. Her careful eye never left Natsuki's as she did so. Thick tension confined her, dizzying her already groggy vision as the girl blinked slowly at her before she hummed softly in approval. "Y-You, uh, like it?"

Yuri mirrored Natsuki's previous actions and licked her own lip slowly, her eyes glancing to Natsuki's mouth briefly. "Y-Yes." 

"Is that all you can say?" Her voice came out much weaker than she'd intended, but she doubted Yuri was listening too intently to what she was saying. Her delicate fingers were twisting strands of her long purple hair, her whole demeanor radiating with anxiety.

She was going to have to make the first move again, wasn't she?

With an impatient grumble Natsuki closed the distance between them in one swift movement and captured Yuri's lips with her own, encouraging an adorable squeak from the other girl. It only lasted a moment, but when Natsuki pulled back she found herself delightfully surprised by Yuri tugging her back again gently for another, slightly longer kiss. Her senses were aflame, her skin prickling and buzzing with excitement, and she  soon realised she was smiling as they pulled apart again. Her tongue darted out to moisten her lips and she tasted the sickly fruitiness of their complimentary drinks.

Yuri looked a little flustered but she was smiling through it, anyway. "I have been wanting to do that since we arrived here," she admitted, her face heating adorably yet again. 

"Then you should have!" She rolled her eyes playfully, turning to face Yuri properly in the booth. 

"I am aware, I just...I did not want to draw attention to ourselves." 

"Well, it's a little late for that, now, so..." she paused, waiting with a cheeky, expectant grin on her face. After all. she had to force Yuri to test her boundaries somehow. The other girl screwed her eyes tightly shut for a brief moment and took an uneasy breath before cradling Natsuki's face gingerly in careful hands and pressing another slow, deliberate kiss to her awaiting lips, the tension draining from her in a small sigh.

"Much better," Natsuki murmured before sitting back against the booth once more. In return Yuri offered her a pleased, coy smile that only spurred on the awful, teasing thoughts that were currently causing a rampage of chaos in her mind. Yuri would get there with her confidence eventually, though, she knew that. Time and patience were key.

Natsuki's phone buzzed suddenly against the table and she sighed inwardly as she read the little message that bobbed ironically cheerfully on the screen. 

_**Reminder - [Head home soon]** _

Her stomach flipped and she felt a deep, sinking pit weighing her down. Their little date had been fun, she really wasn't prepared for it to be over so quick. "Do you have to go?" Yuri asked, her voice hushed and fragile. Natsuki nodded regretfully as she swiftly drank the remains of her milkshake, wincing abruptly as her head stung sharply. _Brainfreeze, nice one._ "Well, let me walk you home at least."

Natsuki slipped out of the booth, stretching her stiff limbs as she stood up straight. Yuri followed her after a moment's hesitation, shrugging her dark leather jacket on as they left the diner. The crisp Autumn breeze felt like bliss against her flushed skin, and she savored the burn at the back of her throat as she took a deep breath to calm her hammering heartbeat. "So, when will you be getting your driver's license?" 

"Is walking with me not sufficient enough?" Yuri teased halfheartedly. Natsuki merely shoved her with her shoulder, which barely even faulted the other girl. "I am in the process of it, I can only imagine it will be soon."

"Just in time for Winter, let's hope." Humming wistfully, Yuri closed the short distance between them and thread her forearm through the curve of Natsuki's elbow, locking them together.

"You wanted me to be more adventurous, yes?" her voice, although kind, held a hint of untamed nerves. All of this was new and uncharted territory for the both of them, she assumed. Well, she knew Yuri had been in relationships before, but...that didn't necessarily mean she was used to these things. Natsuki placed a soothing hand on her arm, securing her in place.

"Y-Yeah, I did," she stuttered out. "Thanks."

It felt safe having her solid, reliable warmth beside her like that as they strolled at a leisurely pace side by side, and having their arms linked showed everyone surrounding them that they were a couple. It was sweet, she thought, that even though Yuri wasn't a fan of too much attention that she was willing to sacrifice her fear to walk with her like this, even with attracting the occasional stares from those around them. Natsuki viewed it more as showing her off to any wandering eyes. The public could think whatever the fuck they wanted about them. She was happy, that's what mattered.

"Natsuki?" 

"Yeah?"

"When are we going to tell Monika and Sayori about us?" Natsuki nipped her lip, pondering her reply. That was a good question that she wasn't entirely sure of the answer.

"Maybe once Sayori is out of the hospital? Or at least improving."

Yuri smiled sadly. "I suppose. Although, that could be an awfully long time..."

With a mischievous grin Natsuki squeezed her arm. "Just can't wait to show me off, can you?" Her girlfriend's laugh was genuine and pretty to her ears, but there lay an underlying sadness between them. It was true, unfortunately, that Sayori could be in recovery for a long time. 

She wondered how Monika was dealing with this whole situation. Perhaps she should message her later to be sure she was okay, after all she seemed to be pinning a lot of the blame for Sayori's circumstances and mental health onto herself and she must be genuinely lonely without her bubbly girlfriend to keep her spirits high as she often did. It wasn't even as if she could message or call her for company.

"Do you, um-" Yuri cleared her throat roughly before continuing, "Do you think Sayori is afraid of us judging her?"

"Probably," Natsuki said, even though she wholly wished that wasn't the truth. "Why? Do you think less of her?"

"No, not at all. I mean, I would be the world's largest hypocrite if I did" A harsh, timid laugh escaped her lips that held little humor. "I sincerely hope she is not imagining ludicrous thoughts like that. Gosh, being cooped up in that room can only be doing maddening things to her mind."

Natsuki inclined her head to the floor, guilt wrapping itself tightly around her chest and sucking the joy from her person. "She can't hide away from us for long." 

Before long they reached the base of her street. Her heart plummeted painfully as Yuri pulled her arm away from hers, her comforting heat evaporating all at once. "I had fun," she said sheepishly, her eyelashes prettily fluttering.

"Yeah, me too," Natsuki admitted awkwardly before shooting her a weak grin, "Who would have guessed, you're not so bad after all!"

Yuri laughed shortly, then inhaled unsteadily before stepping forward and offering a sweet, brisk kiss to Natsuki's lips and then again to her forehead before backing off officially with a contented smile. "I will see you tomorrow, Natsuki."

"Y-Yeah, you, uh, you too." She sounded dumb, her voice frail and faltering, but she really couldn't find it in herself to care. With trembling legs and a hazy reasoning Natsuki watched for a tranquil moment as Yuri turned to leave, before making her own way along the street towards her father's apartment. Her vision was dazed and her mind muddled beyond belief; but, somehow, those usually uncomfortable sensations were morphed into something delightfully addictive, something she wanted more and more of until it utterly and totally consumed her. 

_Is that a good thing?_

She didn't know, and quite frankly she couldn't give a damn either way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the cherry thing was supposed to be a very unsubtle euphemism.
> 
> Oh, I don't think I've mentioned this before! In this I imagine Sayori and Natsuki as around 17 and Yuri and Monika in the year above as 18, so their last year at high school. The education system in England is a bit different to how I'm writing this (we leave school at 16 which is also legal age so this isn't all weird, I promise) so I'm kind of winging it. But their different ages play a slight part later.


	12. Real Cute Girl

_Old Message(s):_

_6:46pm: Lilmonix3 - Hiya you two, it's Sayori!!_

_6:47pm: Lilmonix3 - Are you free any upcoming days??_

_6:47pm: sugar^and^spice - Sayori! Hi! We miss you. I'm free whenever_

_6:48pm: Love_For_Literature - It is so good to hear from you Sayori. I am available any time._

_6:51pm: Lilmonix3 - I wanna see you guys. You up for coming by the hospital on Saturday? Monika's happy to drive you!_

_6:52pm: Love_For_Literature - Of course, it would be my pleasure._

_6:54pm: sugar^and^spice - You bet, Sayo_

_6:56pm: Lilmonix3 - Great! Moni says she'll plan it with you later. Visiting hours are up so cya!_

 

Sayori seemed so...normal. Her messages still held that same tone they always had, enthusiastic and upbeat, but...hadn't that all just been some twisted act to mask her true sadness? Things weren't ordinary in the slightest, but Sayori was acting as though she had never even considered taking her own life merely days ago, which just seemed really... _wrong._ She would have been dead right now if Monika hadn't saved her.

Natsuki scanned the messages with a frown. How often had Sayori been hurting and she had looked right past that all because of seemingly cheery behavior? It seemed so blatantly obvious now that she knew the truth.

Saturday was a good time, though. She could try and arrange to see Yuri on the same day, it would definitely be easier and less suspicious to get permission for both plans if it meant only needing to ask for one day out. Well, she could try at least.

Natsuki jumped up from her desk where she had been powering through some homework, taking a soothing moment to gather her thoughts before venturing out of her bedroom. 

It was time to find papa.

Her breath rattled through her lungs as she inhaled deeply, clenching and relaxing her fists rhythmically to relieve the creeping tension as she walked down the stairs on stiff legs, her weight creaking the old wood below her feet. The droning buzz of the television radiated from the living room; Papa always kept the blinds closed, presumably to shut her in from the outside world, and so the house was kept fairly dark at most times of the day. The colourful light from the television flickered in union to the sounds, lighting the hallway with an eerie glow.

Screwing her eyes shut, she breezed through the doorway into the living room, her heart pounding against her ribcage. He was sitting in his chair, a battered, old leather thing that had been his pride and joy before her mother died. 

He looked up and caught her eye briefly before grunting dismissively and turning back to the television, taking a swig from the glass bottle clamped in his hand. Alcohol, likely. The whole room reeked of it. She stood her ground, arms crossed firmly over her chest. 

"Papa, ca-" she didn't get far before he slammed the bottle onto the surface of the coffee table, startling her. _Dammit, you idiot, you were supposed to act tough._

"Stop parading around with those ugly marks on show." He spat, distaste staining his tongue as he gestured to her neck. It took all her willpower to resist scowling at the remark. After all, if he could merely control his own short fuse she wouldn't even have the bruises in the first place. He pointed a meaty hand to the coat rack behind her where she had flung her scarf earlier. "Put that back on."

Natsuki huffed and did what she had been ordered to, puffing her chest out as she did so. She wasn't about to appear weak in front of him again. When she approached him once more he had a sickeningly sinister smile on his face and looked fairly pleased with himself. "There now. Much better."

_Bastard._

She tried again, ensuring her voice remained firm. "Papa, can I go out on Saturday?" He watched her levelly as she paused for a moment. "Please?"

His dark, narrowed eyes never left hers as he took another swig from the bottle slowly. "You have been out an awful lot lately," he said quietly, which was all the more unnerving than the shouting. "It better not be a boy..."

She resisted rolling her eyes. _As if._ She was going to have to pull the pity card, wasn't she? "You remember Sayori?"

His smile turned disgustingly fond. _Ugh_. "The pretty little one, yes?"

"She's not well, I wanted to visit her in the hospital." She could practically see the cogs working in papa's mind, his internal debate whether she was telling the truth or lying through her teeth painfully clear. Eventually he shrugged.

"Fine, whatever. Be back before dark." Natsuki's breath escaped her in one relieved sigh, the tension draining from her quickly. She turned to leave, but halted as his voice picked up once more, the tone dark and humorless. "But, if I find one bit of evidence that you're out with some little twat you'll be joining your friend in the hospital." She shivered. That's assuming Yuri would fit under that category...? Her thought process ceased as he hummed in approval, his eyes overbearing and heavy on her back. "That scarf is cute, you should wear it more often. You're a real cute girl, Natsuki."

_Shut up. Shut up. Shut up._

Nausea bubbled in her stomach and she bolted, fleeing up the stairs on trembling legs. She was weak. All she could do is run from him, she never stood up for herself like any normal, stronger person would. There was only a fraying, weak thread keeping her tough womam attitude in place, once that finally broke everyone would see the scared, fragile little girl she tried so hard to obscure from the world.

She cried out in frustration, kicking her chair with enough force to hurt her foot and pulled the scarf roughly from her neck, throwing it onto the floor. He disgusted her beyond belief, but she just simply wouldn't do anything. There were plenty of options to escape, she knew that, but she just didn't have the courage to try. She was too afraid.

He was corrupting her slowly, she could feel it every day clawing at her. Over the years he'd started testing the boundaries of what she let him get away with; first it had been invading her privacy, then the name calling, then the shouting, then the hitting. Fuck knows what his next step would be.

No, she was fairly certain what it would be. But she didn't want to believe that monster had the capacity to do anything even remotely like that to her. She felt like she had a taunting timer ticking away far in the distance of her cluttered mind. But each second she neared her eighteenth birthday it edged closer and closer and closer, the ticking becoming louder and more maddening. 

_And then he'll morph you into a fresh, twisted version of himself._

Ultimately, that was her biggest fear. Tears stung her eyes, fear sparking a light in her chest. It was the last thing she wanted, to turn out like him. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she ever even remotely followed in his corrupted footsteps, but she knew it would happen if she continued to allow him to influence her so easily.

Her sour attitude, her snappy remarks, her insults...they all traced back to _him_. He was contorting her slowly, manipulating her into his own little revolting prototype for chaos. And she couldn't,  _wouldn't,_  stop it. All because she was too fucking weak to.

With trembling fingers she took her phone, typing a quick message to Yuri.

 

_7:13pm: Natsuki - I can come over after we visit Sayori_

_7:13pm: Yuri - That works._

 

Okay, that was settled at least. She flung her phone onto the desk with another sharp, angry cry before collapsing onto the bed, her fragile resolve finally crumbling under the ever increasing pressure. She sobbed, using a pillow to muffle her cries. 

She was utterly and completely sick of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, now we know why she doesn't like being called cute.


	13. Sunny Sayori Saturdays

"Dammit!" Natsuki hissed, frustration simmering under her skin as her steely grip on the controller tightened. "Died again."

Yuri stifled a laugh behind the teacup in her hand and Natsuki glared daggers across the sofa at her, her patience running low. "This is your fault."

"How so?" Yuri's voice seeped with false innocence, a teasing smile morphing her whole expression into a mischievous look. _The little minx..._

"I'm not gonna spell it out for you," she sulked, reloading her last save point in the game and trying once more. Yuri chuckled evilly, her gaze finding the book resting in her other hand once she had planted the empty teacup back onto the saucer. After a moment her gentle touch returned to the exposed skin of Natsuki's legs that currently lay lazily across her lap. They were waiting at Yuri's for Monika to pick them up and Natsuki hadn't hesitated to load up her girlfriend's console to continue the dinosaur game that she had been playing an awful lot lately while they waited. Only issue was she couldn't seem to concentrate enough on the game to stop herself from dying and losing all her resources and progress every five minutes.

Thanks in no small part to Yuri.

She managed to retrieve her lost possessions from her previous place of death and return to safety before the hand on her calf began wandering again, tracing little lines up and down her exposed skin, her nails lightly taunting the pale flesh. Yuri merely carried on reading with a calm, disinterested expression as her hand continued its gradual assault up and down Natsuki's calf. 

_Okay, concentrate. Don't let her get to you._

Yeah, she could totally do this. She just had to steel herself and power through it, it really wasn't _that_ hard to ignore. After all, she-

"Hey!" Natsuki yelped as Yuri's wandering hand slipped effortlessly under the frilly, pink hem of her dress, gripping her thigh briefly before she pulled back with a pleased grin. As her character died once more she whined in defeat as she dropped the controller, crossing her arms firmly over her chest. "Not fair! You're distracting me!"

Yuri finally looked up from her book, a cheeky sparkle in her eye that made Natsuki's stomach clench with excitement. _Well, if she wanted it so much..._

In one smooth movement Natsuki leaned forward and kissed Yuri; a quick, simple kiss that dissolved most of her frustration. As she pulled back, however, Yuri's hazy stare appeared desperate and wild for a moment before she captured her lips again, firmly this time; Natsuki squeaked as she was pulled impatiently onto Yuri's lap, her thighs cradling the girl's waist as every nerve in her body stood to attention, buzzing below the surface of her skin delightfully. "B-But Monika's-"

Yuri shushed her, dusting her soft lips along her jawline. "I...just...want...to...kiss...you," she breathed the words out as she dotted the fevered kisses up to her mouth, her grip on her waist tightening as they kissed urgently.

All of her ever building aggravation and desire for the girl flood through her in a shock wave of emotions as she ran her hands through Yuri's long hair, feeling the softness flow through her fingers effortlessly. Yuri tugged her ever closer, her hands trailing up and down her back. Warm breath ghosted across her lips during the brief moments they pried apart, sending blissful flutters up her spine.

"Oh, my _Gosh!_ "

That wasn't Yuri's voice.

Natsuki pulled back abruptly. Her eyes, wide with terror, landed on a flash of brown hair obscuring the light from the doorway. Pulse throbbing, she scrambled up from the girl's lap, dusting off and adjusting her dress as Yuri jumped up alongside her, her face darkening to a deep crimson. "M-Monika!" She stuttered out as she did so and Natsuki's mind raced into a state of panic.

_This could be bad. This could be so, so bad. Why now?!_

"I knew it! I _totally_ knew it!" Monika exclaimed, bouncing on her heels as she clapped excitedly. "I _knew_ there was something going on between you two!"

Relief flooded her all of a sudden, dizzying her immediately. Monika wasn't acting angry or resentful or upset, which offered some sort of comfort. However she felt irritation gnawing away at her sanity, replacing the relief slowly; this wasn't the way she was supposed to find out. Grumbling, Natsuki crossed her arms across her chest and glared across the room at Monika, her sour attitude getting the better of her. "Yeah, yeah, super-Moni strikes again. We get it."

"Why didn't you tell me?" She pouted a little, suddenly looking wounded. "I'm trustworthy, right?"

Yuri was shifting uncomfortably beside her, twisting strands of her purple hair with more concentration than it really required. "We, um, we were trying to keep this a secret until Sayori is better."

"Are you kidding me? Sayori would love this! She's been secretly rooting for you two since Yuri left that asshole ex of hers." Natsuki exchanged a quiet look with her before turning back to Monika, her eyes silently pleading with her.

"Seriously, Monika, we don't want this out just yet." 

"Fine," she said after a moment's hesitation, looking more than a little defeated. "I'll let it go for now. Come on, Sayori's waiting."

 

* * *

 

The drive to the hospital was peacefully quiet, asides Monika's music and happy humming. With being her girlfriend Sayori was often given free rein over the aux and, jeez, that girl had strange, mixed tastes in music. Monika's preferences were a little more rounded and easier to listen to as a whole, so the journey was sat in that serene, knowing silence between the three of them. 

Natsuki was overly thankful that Monika was willing to leave the knowledge of their budding relationship behind her until Sayori was improving. But she knew, behind her supposedly ignorant act, that she was thinking about it. And it was worrying Natsuki a bit.

_Ugh, hospitals._

The contradicting smells of sterile and sickness choked her the moment they entered the chalky halls of the inpatient section. Sayori had been moved to the mental health part of the hospital after a day or so, which Natsuki had heard could get noisy and suffocating, particularly at night. Not every patient in there had been sectioned for suicide attempts, after all.

It was relatively quiet as they walked down the halls, fortunately. They passed an array of closed doors and the occasional open one that held empty rooms. Monika led them confidently until she found room 302, knocking briskly. A faint "come in" followed it, sending a tremor of consolidation along Natsuki's arms. That was Sayori's voice.

_She is alive._

Monika breezed the door open and the other girls trailed behind her hastily. Sayori was sitting up in a little single bed beside the window, a bright smile alighting her whole manner. Monika had briefly mentioned that Sayori's self care routine had been improving and she certainly looked healthier than she had in a fair while; her strawberry blond hair was brushed neatly with her trademark red bow nestled in it and her skin and eyes were bright. However the thick bandage around her neck reminded them all exactly why she was there; she was suffering.

Mindlessly, Natsuki adjusted the scarf around her own neck with dazed fingers.

"Natsuki! Yuri!" Sayori sounded so relieved to see them, and Natsuki didn't hesitate to rush to her and offer her a tight hug. Her gritty attitude dissolved in an instant as Sayori hugged her back with a sharp little laugh. 

"Sayori! I've missed you loads," she sounded weak and vulnerable but she couldn't find it within herself to care. She pulled herself away to find her friend beaming; it was strange, she hadn't expected her to seem so positive. 

Well, she wasn't really, though, was she?

"I've missed you both! So much! Yuri!" She turned rapidly to her other friend and stuck her arms out enthusiastically, supposedly waiting for a hug. "C'mere!"

Yuri smiled sheepishly and wrapped her slender arms around the girl, enveloping her easily. "I missed you, too, Sayori. It is so great to see you!"

Once they pulled back Monika offered Sayori a sweet little kiss, which she accepted eagerly. "You won't have to miss them too much," she said as she rummaged in her handbag, pulling out a little black device and handing it to her girlfriend. _Oh, a phone._ "Here."

In the short space of a second Sayori became overly flustered, her bright eyes dimming as a frown clouded her look. "N-No, Moni, that's too expensive. I don't deserve that-"

Monika shushed her abruptly and gently folded Sayori's hands around the phone, keeping them in place with her own. "You deserve everything," she murmured, a small, encouraging smile upturning her lips.

Doubt flicked in Sayori's expression as her eyes glazed over with unshed tears. She looked so agonizingly fragile all of a sudden and it sent a painful twinge to Natsuki's heart. This must have been what she had tried so hard to conceal for so long.

Despite that, though, she nodded without much confidence. "Smile for me, okay?" Sayori did what she had been asked, sending her a weak smile which seemed to cheer Monika up a bit. "Perfect."

Sayori abruptly seemed to remember they had company and perked up immediately as her sight set on the other two. "Come sit!" She offered, gesturing excitedly to the chairs beside the bed. Natsuki and Yuri followed her orders quickly. "How's school? Moni said you have new club members, what are they like? Tell me _everything_ I've missed!"

Her over-enthusiasm was adorable, really. Between the three of them they updated Sayori on the club's status and their opinions of the new students, purposefully leaving out the information regarding the spreading rumors. Sayori seemed to be listening with a fair interest, consistently asking more and more questions the longer they talked. She sounded pretty keen to return to school and she had mentioned that she was worried about catching up on her missed work, so as a four they had arranged for Natsuki to note exactly what she had missed in each lesson they had together so Monika could tutor her in half of her classes and Yuri in the other half once she felt ready to begin. That seemed to ease Sayori's mind a little.

After some time there was a tentative knock at the door, to which Sayori answered with a bright, "Come in!"

A nurse entered the room with a kind, motherly smile and Sayori greeted her by name. Clearly a regular. She sent all of the girls a slight wave before speaking up. "We have received confirmation for an un-supervised trip out, if you would still like the opportunity?"

Nodding eagerly, Sayori wriggled a little in her bed, her excitement getting the better of her. "Really?! I would love to!"

The nurse smiled warmly again. "As long as Monika is willing to fill out the required paperwork then you're all set for next Saturday."

"Of course I am," Monika agreed, taking hold of her girlfriend's hand.

"Yay!" Sayori squealed, "Thank you!" The nurse dismissed herself, the door shutting with a slight click.

"What were you thinking of doing, Sayori?" Yuri asked her curiously. "After all, it is your anniversary."

With a thoughtful hum, Sayori turned to Monika with a knowing look. "Well I know I'd like to at least spend some time as a group. Any ideas?"

Monika merely shook her head. "This is your outing, sweetie. You decide."

"That's too much pressure, Moni!" She whined with a pout. "What if I choose something no one else wants to do?"

"We're all just glad you're here, Sayo," Natsuki chimed in sincerely, "I'm pretty sure we could all just sit on a field for the whole day and we'd have fun." The others hummed in agreement and it took a moment before Sayori finally sighed dejectedly, her shoulders slumping.

"Fine. We have from eleven to six, right?" Monika nodded. "Okay good! Why don't we get lunch and see a movie? That should cover the first few hours."

Reluctantly, Natsuki agreed alongside the others and she listened with one ear open as the conversation from earlier continued to run its course. She really didn't have the heart to mention that she might struggle to afford their little outing, the questions she would inevitably have to answer would overwhelm her. But she certainly wasn't going to ask for any money towards it.

Perhaps if she avoided eating lunch all week and attempted to scavenge some change from her apartment she could possibly afford the lower boundaries of their plan? Well, she could at least make an effort, she didn't want to disappoint her friends.


	14. We'll Beat This

Visiting Sayori had ended up being a fairly positive experience as a whole. It had been reassuring to see her safe and on track, even if the knowledge that the previous years of happiness had been a complete deception was beginning to weigh heavily on Natsuki's shoulders. It was a harsh reality to have to face so abruptly.

"We were lucky today," Monika said, her voice light as she drove away from the hospital. "We caught her on a high energy day."

"What is she like on a low energy day?" Yuri asked curiously in the seat beside Natsuki, her fingers threading through her hair.

After a brief pause Monika hummed sadly, her hands running lovingly up and down the steering wheel as they sat stationary at a red traffic light. "Distant. Really, really distant. Days like today give me so much hope that she's improving and then...the next time I see her she'll barely respond to anything I say. It's heartbreaking." 

"Does she, uh, does she still want to...?"

"Die?" Yuri only nodded despite being pretty far out of Monika's line of sight. "Uh, yeah. She does. She's being honest about it, though, which is good. I've heard some people will pretend that they're better just to break their chains and have the freedom to try again."

Natsuki swallowed through what felt like a lump of coal lodged in her throat. "How do you handle all of this?" She felt incredibly guilty as the thought flicked through her mind but she highly doubted she would ever be able to cope being in a situation like her friends', not in the way Monika did. 

She laughed dryly, blinking through shimmering tears that threatened to fall. "I don't. I just grit my teeth and be strong for her like I always have, but...Oh, Gosh, it's so hard. It's so trying on my own mental wellbeing, you know?" Her words sounded lost and sad, yet she smiled anyway with admirable strength. "But she's worth it. She's _always_ been worth it."

That was something freaking special, really; that she was willing to sacrifice a part of herself to help her girlfriend's health. It was something Natsuki could only hope she would achieve with someone one day, that particular strength of bond and love.

"Do her parents know what's happened to her?" Natsuki asked cautiously, tiptoeing around the subject matter. After all, Sayori hadn't exactly had the greatest relationship with her parents since she had announced that she was dating Monika. It had shattered Sayori's heart to witness their disgust and rejection of her relationship.

Tensely, Monika nodded, her grip tightening on the steering wheel. "They do, but they don't care enough to visit her."

A heavy silence hung in the atmosphere for a moment. "How long have _you_ known about all of this?" Yuri murmured.

"Before we became a couple. One day she, uh," Monika shifted a little, the faux leather seats squeaking, "She started crying over burnt toast. Then she just broke down into floods of tears and told me everything about her depression, I remember it vividly." She laughed quietly, this time with a slight hint of humor. "It was as if she had been fighting it for so long and the toast just pushed her over the edge. But I knew I loved her by that point and I was prepared to deal with it."

Natsuki didn't know what to say. As she tried to speak the words merely caught in her throat and she was forced to swallow them down again. A strange, complicated mix of relief and anger sizzled away at her mind, confusing her emotions. Relief that Sayori had had Monika for support all these years and anger that they had both kept it locked away from her and Yuri so perfectly. It was almost betrayal, she thought.

A harsh beeping interrupted the silence and shocked the three of them at once. "Oh!" Monika looked up, realising she hadn't noticed the light changing to green. "My bad." Their nervous laughter continued for a moment, softening the tense atmosphere as Monika proceeded to drive. "Anyway! Next weekend should be fun, yeah?"

The conversation picked back up again for the brief time that they remained on their journey. They were in the process of debating which available movie they would want to see when the car slowed to a halt outside of Yuri's home, the engine shutting off as her and Natsuki climbed out of their respective sides.

"You kids have fun!" With a wink Monika laughed as she pulled away, the dead Autumn leaves crunching under the wheels as the car drove onward. Scowling at the car's rear, Natsuki followed Yuri through the door and into the home and she discarded her bag and shoes by the doorway before wandering along the hall to the kitchen. Yuri followed her after fiddling with a stereo a moment, quiet music filling the house as she did so and contributing to the mellow atmosphere.

"You ready to eat?" Natsuki asked, knowing fine well she'd help herself to something regardless of her answer.

"Of course," Yuri rummaged in her fridge for a moment and pulled out a few ingredients, dropping them onto the counter before moving onto the cupboards and doing the same. 

Intrigued, Natsuki watched her careful, deliberate movements as she collected all of the various ingredients together with coordinated grace. She stepped closer, picking up a bunch of spring onions and mindlessly turning them in her palm. "What're we making?"

"Stir fry," Yuri handed her the other vegetables and branded a sharp, black knife from the rack on the counter with a metallic hiss. She pointed it effortlessly towards a waiting chopping board, light glinting off the blade as she did so. "Care to prepare these?" Natsuki swallowed dryly and nodded before taking the knife from her, the handle cold and heavy in her palm, before arranging the vegetables into a chopping order as Yuri busied herself with a wok on the stove. 

With shaking fingers she held the knife against the spring onion, hesitating prior to slicing into it a little messily. The sight and sound made her cringe, knives were a little...difficult to look at, regarding what had happened not long before. She moved again to make another cut when she was halted by Yuri's gentle touch.

"Not like that," she said softly as her fingers wrapped around the knife, "Dice them, like this." She flicked her wrist quickly, using her other hand to secure the bunch to the chopping board. Natsuki watched in amazement as the task was completed in a few brief seconds and Yuri used the blunt length of the blade to scrape the diced onions to the far side of the board. "See?"

"Y-Yeah, I think so," Natsuki muttered. She took the cutlery back and watched as her girlfriend returned to floating around the room in the search of spices. Yuri was a little too skilled at knife work for comfort. 

But she continued on, trying and so miserably failing to match Yuri's expertise. She did finish the onions after a minute or so, however, and moved onto the cabbage. 

As she made a start she soon felt slender arms weave themselves around her waist, locking together at her stomach. A firm pressure pressed against her back as Yuri's chin rested gently on her shoulder, her warm breath skimming her neck through the fabric of her scarf. She hummed happily as she squeezed her a little and Natsuki couldn't help but laugh. "You are so pretty."

Natsuki groaned, feeling her face heating and her heart fluttering. "Yuri," she whined, but her breath was stolen in a quiet gasp as Yuri nipped her exposed shoulder, her teeth digging into the flesh gently.

"I could barely resist," she whispered and kissed the patch of skin she had assaulted, making Natsuki squirm as her grip on the knife weakened. "Seeing you here reminds me so much of our first kiss."

Yuri dotted light kisses along the curve of her neck and shoulder, sighing contently as she did so. Her arms tugged Natsuki closer to her, but gradually that blissful delight that had been clouding her mind began to morph into discomfort and unsated cravings. Her skin felt itchy and overly sensitive and she wanted to simultaneously jump on the girl while fleeing from her safety. She took an unsteady breath, "Yuri, stop." The moment the words left her Yuri leaped back as if she'd touched a burning flame, leaving a fair bit of distance between them. 

"D-Did I, um, did I hurt you?" She sounded pained, as if desperately seeking validation. _Oh, no no no,_ Natsuki dropped the knife and swung around, swiftly grabbing Yuri's arms in her hands.

"No, not at all!" she said in a flustered hurry, running her hands up and down her forearms slowly. "I'm just worried about starting something we can't, y'know, finish." Yuri finally met her eye, her whole body seeming to relax at her statement. Natsuki frowned, lowering her voice as she spoke again. "I don't want you to hurt yourself because of me, Yuri."

"I-I see," she took her arms back, stepping away and turning back to the wok silently, overly invested in her cooking all of a sudden. Natsuki nipped her lip unconsciously, cautiously watching her for a few seconds before turning back to the board and continuing to chop the vegetables with numb fingers. It only took a couple of minutes to complete the rest of the work and she pushed the board towards Yuri, who nodded once in confirmation, but only continued to stand motionless aside that. 

"What's wrong?" Natsuki finally asked with the courage she had been gathering; she could feel her patience beginning to fade but she had to force endurance with her, Yuri was hardly an open book. The other girl glanced to her, her fingers moving to rub little circles on her wrist. "Yuri?"

"I, uh," she stuttered her words out, clearly uncomfortable. "I am just nervous, that is all."

"Nervous?" Natsuki tilted her head, peering at her curiously. "About what?"

She sucked air through her teeth as she sighed deeply, shoulders slumping. "About reminding you of your father."

 _Still? Haven't we moved passed that?_ Natsuki thought to herself and immediately bashed herself for it. Yuri was struggling with a serious, personal problem that would take time, she just had to find the persistence to help her overcome it. "You don't and you won't. Promise."

"You cannot say for certain," Yuri was staring at the floor now; her eyes were partly hidden by a cloak of hair but from what she could see they were filled to the brim with grief and fear. This was really something she was wrestling with, wasn't it?

Natsuki took Yuri in her arms, pulling the taller girl towards her with confidence, feeling Yuri's tension slack against her small frame. "A promise is a promise. Look," she leaned up and kissed her, savoring the sweetness of her lips for the fleeting moment it lasted before Yuri pushed her away with a gentle shove.

"No. You were right, Natsuki," she said softly, "We should avoid starting anything we cannot finish. I am aware my habit is an awful, disgusting one."

Natsuki worked her jaw, unsure of how to respond for a second. She didn't think it was necessarily disgusting, just...strange. And a little dangerous. "That's not it. You don't remind me of papa by doing it either. Any sane person would be worried about their girlfriend hurting herself, right?"

After humming thoughtfully Yuri nodded. She offered Natsuki a quick kiss on the forehead before turning back to her cooking and scraping the prepared vegetables into the wok. Natsuki watched with contained excitement as Yuri stirred them, the pan sizzling as she did so. It smelled delicious already.

Yuri spoke up after a lengthy pause. "Natsuki?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think I am 'fucked up'?"

Natsuki blinked, processing Yuri's question before the shock of it settled in. "No! Where'd you get that idea from all of a sudden?"

"Just...old acquaintances, I suppose," she said with a sad smile, her eyes still plastered to her cooking. 

"Someone called you that?"

"Yes." Anger alighted in Natsuki's chest, her breath catching in her throat. _Bastards!_ "But it is alright, I hardly blame them." 

"Why do you ask?" Yuri stilled for a moment, her jaw stiffening. 

"I have been thinking..." she started slowly, "About seeking some help."

"You mean like therapy?"

"Yes," she replied, her voice gaining an air of strength. "I think seeing Sayori receiving the help she required was just the motivation I needed. Although, I have little to no idea where to even begin."

Natsuki hummed, relaxing against the counter. She watched as Yuri measured herbs and spices before emptying them into the wok alongside the noodles and the cooking vegetables. "Well if you'd prefer we can look into it together, yeah?" Yuri agreed cheerfully. That was a step in the right direction, right? After all, she was actively searching for some help. That meant she independently wanted to improve, didn't it? A deep sense of pride for the girl rose warmly, spreading soft heat through her veins. 

"Sit down," Yuri said with a little smile, moving from the stove to rummage noisily in a cupboard for two bowls. Following her advice, Natsuki trotted to the kitchen table and slipped into a wooden chair. She waited impatiently as she watched the other girl prepare their lunch in the bowls; if her mind wasn't occupied on the food she would have thought her coordinated grace looked beautiful, as usual.

Yuri placed the bowl atop the place mat in front of her and Natsuki barely hesitated to start scooping up the warm food after shooting her a quick _'thank you'._ The flavours exploded on her tongue delightfully as mild heat spread along her lips, eliciting a happy little sigh from her. Across from her Yuri slipped into her own chair, picking at the food leisurely with a little, pleased smile.

"So, next weekend," Yuri started, "Are you looking forward to it?"

"Not really." With a peeved whine, Natsuki twirled her fork in deliberate circles in the stir fry, her fist propping her head up lazily.

Yuri merely peered at her, her head angled ever so slightly to the side. "How so?" She huffed inwardly, tracing patterns with a noodle she had caught between the tridents of her fork. 

"Money," she muttered, well aware she sounded more than slightly crabby. Yuri, however, seemed to perk up at that.

"I will cover it for you, no need to worry." Natsuki tensed, dropping her fork to the table. She had proposed the idea so easily that it felt wrong to deny her, yet...it wasn't fair to accept, either. As she opened her mouth to protest Yuri cut her off by holding up a firm hand, clicking her tongue rhythmically. "This is my treat to you, Natsuki. For being so good to me."

Despite her desire to fight back, Natsuki just slumped in defeat as she slowly chewed another bite. It was a pointless fight against Yuri, she was as stubborn as a brick wall if she set her mind to something. Alternatively, she quickly unlocked her phone on the table and opened up the 'Notes' section, typing hastily as to not alert Yuri. Which didn't seem to work for long. The girl peered at her curiously before moving her gaze to scan the phone before her. "What are you doing?" _Dammit_ , she thought,  _Not sneaky enough._

Instead of explaining Natsuki merely pushed her mobile towards her, which Yuri took as a valid invitation to look. After a few, long seconds she glanced back up at her, her lips parted and eyes wide. "Is this...all the money you owe each of us?"

Natsuki swiped her phone back and locked it firmly as her face heated. "Yeah, I've been keeping track." 

"I never expect you to pay me back, Natsuki," she murmured, her gentle hand finding her own on the table and intertwining their fingers. _Why was she so kind?_  She realised, suddenly, just how genuinely lucky she was to actually have her as her own.

Her heart surged with pure adoration as Yuri shot her a charming smile, her pulse throbbing as she returned it shakily. "I'd like to eventually." A short, pretty laugh from her sent ripples of pure bliss down Natsuki's bare arms, warming her at once. 

"You can repay me in other ways."


	15. Melancholy Madness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this "Beast from the East" storm currently hitting Britain means no Uni, which means more writing, which means faster updates!  
> Also, sorry to disappoint after the end of last chapter but no smut...yet.

Natsuki shouldered her backpack stiffly, muttering short replies to her friend from maths, Mia, who was currently attempting to ignite conversation. Although she just couldn't muster up enough strength to seem all that enthusiastic. The weekend had been overall positive up until later in Sunday, or rather yesterday. The rest of the day at Yuri's had passed a little too quickly for her liking, but that was only because they'd been enjoying themselves.

Yesterday, however, papa had decided to drink a little more than his usual lot and had lashed out at her for no obvious reason, other than _'your room's messy'._  It was fairly clear he was merely using her as a human punching bag to vent his frustration at this point. Her head hurt, a throbbing, blunt pain distracting her from concentrating too hard on anything, especially her friend. He'd left no bruises that needed covering, luckily, but the dull pain remained as a constant reminder that her home life was a living hell.

As they left the class Mia shortly yanked her to the side away from the scrambling crowds of students and lowered her voice. "Natsuki, can I talk to you?" _Ugh, do I have to?_ She hadn't seen Yuri yet today, she just wanted to find her so they could eat their lunch in peace with Monika, which would no doubt cheer her up as it often did.

She shrugged anyway, figuring it was better not to postpone the discussion any longer than so necessary. "What's up?"

Mia was shifting her weight awkwardly, seemingly struggling with her words. "I heard that someone saw you kissing Yuri last week in the milkshake bar. Is that true?"

Natsuki hesitated, alarm bells ringing inside her head. She didn't really feel like lying, though it'd be pretty hard to keep their relationship on the down low if she had to answer constant personal questions truthfully. "Who told you that?"

"Just someone," she said in a hurry, her expression contorted into agitation. "Is it true?"

_Fuck it, just tell her._ "Y-Yeah," she finally muttered, crossing her arms warily. "Not that it's anyone else's business."

"No, I know that, it's just..." Mia shifted again, her fingers fidgeting with the loose strap on her bag. "I know she's your friend, but...She's dangerous."

_Dangerous?_  That didn't seem right. Yuri had told her she could act upon overwhelming emotions, but surely she's not threatening. "What do you mean?"

She examined her carefully. "Don't you remember the stories going around last year?"

In an instant Natsuki felt a twitch of anger rise, balling slowly into a bungled mess of irritation. "You don't know what you're saying. Those weren't true." It seemed like it was her obligation to defend Yuri against the shameful accusations; after all, Mia didn't know her. No one did, not like Natsuki.

"Not all of them, no, but...some were. I'm not trying to start anything here, I'm just trying to warn you. She's crazy."

That was the last straw. Her defenses shot up, acting as a solid barricade against the mixed emotions coursing through her mind. "Leave me alone," Natsuki hissed, butting past her to storm towards the lunch room, her movements firm and instinctive. Those stories really had been false, right? Surely Yuri wouldn't do anything so-

"Oof!" As she turned a corner she collided with a rigid, tall body and her head spun as she was knocked back. Luckily, the other person caught her arms and kept her upright before she toppled back. Natsuki blinked her eyes open groggily to find Yuri, her speeding mind calming at the sight of her. That was until she noticed the glimmer of tears in her eyes. "Yuri? What's wrong?"

"I-I over heard..." she murmured, refusing to meet her eye. "I am not crazy, Natsuki. I-I promise!"

Natsuki shook her head firmly, relieved at the lack of pain she felt in her neck. The bruises were nearly faded enough to get away with abandoning the scarf and the discomfort was minimal. "I know you're not. C'mere."

She wrapped her small arms around Yuri's chest, pulling her close as the girl took a shaky breath. After a moment she relaxed her tensed muscles and returned the hug, her breath rattling as she exhaled deeply. "Don't worry, Yuri."

Yuri laughed weakly and pulled back, swiping the tears from her eyes angrily. "I am afraid worrying is just standard procedure for me." 

_Speaking of..._ "Have you called the counselling services yet?"

"Y-Yes, the wait list is months long," she said, sounding a little disheartened. "But they suggested asking the school for an emergency referral, that often only takes a few weeks." They had started walking leisurely towards the lunch hall again. Natsuki glanced unconsciously across at Yuri's hand that was playing with the edge of her school shirt as she talked. _Damn, I wanna hold that so bad. Pull yourself together, Nat._

"When're you doing that?" She forced herself to look away and focus. It would be pretty damn hard to deny their relationship to others if they were walking along hand in hand.

"After lunch, I suppose." Oh of course, she had a free period next. They made it to the lunch hall, which was packed with students scurrying around for tables and purchasing their lunches. They wandered to the back of the queue as per their usual routine. "Do you see Monika?"

Natsuki peered around, scanning the other students, but found no sign of her. Even the student council table was missing both her and the Vice President, not that Monika ever really sat with them unless she had matters to discuss. "I don't. Weird." Yuri hummed in agreement as she rummaged in her purse for a few loose coins. Cautiously, Natsuki did the same, finding just enough to afford something small at least.

It didn't take long to buy their food and fight through the crowds to claim a free table. Natsuki glanced up at the door just as Monika breezed through into the hall. She scanned the room until her eyes landed on the two of them, shooting them a pretty, tired smile and striding up to the table to sit opposite them with a relieved sigh.

"You okay?" Natsuki asked, eyeing her curiously as she ate. Monika looked weary; she blinked sleepily at her and nodded with an encouraging smile.

"I just have a lot of work to do for the student council at the moment," she said, rubbing her face. With school responsibilities, University applications, music and Sayori it seemed Monika had a hell of a lot on her plate to cope with.

Yuri frowned. "Please ensure not to overwork yourself." That earned a little laugh off Monika, who was shaking her head confidently.

"That won't happen. Oh, I forgot to mention! Sayori wants to see you two again."

 

* * *

  

The rest of the week dragged slowly without the club being on and Sayori being in the hospital. Fortunately, though, with the club being off it gave Natsuki an extra hour and a half after school to occupy other things. So on Tuesday and Thursday they had visited Sayori, while the other days were spent at Yuri's.

Visiting Sayori had been a pretty eye opening experience. Monika hadn't been lying when she said she could be particularly distant on her bad days. They'd witnessed that on Tuesday; her eyes and skin had looked dull and she'd barely had the energy to hug them. However, she still managed to crack a weak smile at times. Natsuki had promised that she would make her some cupcakes for the next time they saw her, which she and Yuri had on the Wednesday. And by the time they had delivered them she had cheered up a lot more into her usual, energetic mood.

Unfortunately she had spiraled slightly since then. Sayori had been given free rein of the aux, as per usual, on their drive to the movies and she was playing...pretty depressing stuff, to be honest. Monika glanced cautiously over to her as she drove with her hand on her girlfriend's leg, presumably for comfort. She spoke quietly, "Hey, sweetie?" Sayori only nodded as she stared blankly out of the window. "How about something more cheery, huh?"

Sayori didn't respond to that. She just watched the greenery and dying trees pass by and the bright Autumn sun shimmering off the puddles and ponds. _What the heck could be going through her mind right now...?_ Natsuki caught Yuri's eye briefly, a fleeting, intimate moment of quiet understanding. Their friend would recover eventually in time.

The hours spent after school at Yuri's had been fun, while productive. They had powered through a fair bit of homework together while also finding time to play a few video games. Papa hadn't exactly been lenient with her lately so she had been pretty much relying on Yuri for food, which she felt was unfair on her but Yuri had insisted.

They had never really kissed properly again since their conversation. Fleeting, affectionate kisses were shared often, but nothing close to intimate. Yuri was allowing her to take the relationship at her own pace, to which Natsuki was more than grateful.

Monika parked the car in an empty parking space and shut the engine off. She sat in stiff silence until she spoke up firmly. "Give us a minute, we'll meet you in the cinema."

They followed her orders quietly, leaving her and Sayori alone in the car. The parking lot was fairly busy as they wound their way around vehicles and other people bustling along. The buzzing energy inside the of the cinema building was pretty contagious; parents herding scurrying children while groups of students hovered by the doors and families waited in queues. It was a nice, chatty atmosphere, as a whole.

Natsuki fished her ticket out of her purse, turning it over in her palm a few times before handing it over to Yuri. "Time to see if I'll actually enjoy this." Yuri passed the two little slips of paper over to the ticket man who punched holes in the corners.

"Well, I have been looking forward to it," Yuri replied as she took the tickets back with a charming, shy smile. "Hopefully Sayori is alright." Natsuki only nodded in reply.

They found the theater for their particular showing and delved inside to find their row. "Monika managed to get some pretty good seats," Natsuki said as she sat down, straightening her skirt as she made herself comfortable. 

Humming in agreement, Yuri removed her jacket and allowed it to pool around her waist, leaving her in her black skinny jeans and cream sweater that complimented her violet hair. The look suited her, Natsuki thought as she ran her eyes slowly up and down her frame, mindlessly nipping her lip. Yuri caught her eye with a sheepish smile, "What are you looking at?"

The desire to kiss her rose quickly, but she suppressed it. "Nothing. You look good," she admitted a little awkwardly, but it made Yuri grin nonetheless, a fiery blush spreading along her cheeks.

"You too." A rustle could be heard not far away and when Natsuki turned she found the source as Monika and Sayori shuffling down the aisle. _Good call on avoiding the kiss, then._ She shot the two a nod as Monika slipped into the seat beside her with a little, content sigh. "Everything alright?" Yuri piped up.

Sayori nodded lazily as Monika spoke up, "Indeed. We arrived just in time, I see."

The lights dimmed and the buzzing conversations surrounding them thinned out as the movie begun. Catching a last glance to her friends, she noticed Sayori blinking sleepily at the screen with her head resting against Monika's shoulder. She just looked so painfully drained.

If only helping were as simple and reaching out and comforting her. It hurt like a stab to the heart knowing Sayori was suffering and she couldn't do a thing to make her feel any better. 

Her thought process halted as she felt a warm pressure on her exposed knee and glanced down to find Yuri's hand resting there. Her pulse quickened in an instant, but she forced herself to take a leveling breath and focus on the film.

After a minute the warmth had moved higher ever so slightly and she felt teasing fingers scratching the skin of her lower thigh. A deep heat pooled in her belly, spreading wild fire up her torso. _Okay, that's way too distracting, Yuri._

Natsuki made a discreet grasp for Yuri's hand, her fingers slipping between her own and squeezing them gently.

_Much better._  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I'm skipping a lot of possible scenes because I'm freaking awful at filler. I either rush it or drag it on too long, so it's plotplotplot...  
> Anyway I've uploaded the next chapter directly after this one so go read it!


	16. Seven Minutes in Heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so since I left the end of chapter 14 a little too open and didn't fulfill people's expectations I figured I'd release this early as compensation since it gets...nearly NSFW. Heh, enjoy!

The film actually ended up being alright. Natsuki doubted she would willingly see it again but it hadn't exactly been uneventful. The credits rolled around while the lights gradually brightened the room once more and the people surrounding them started to chat and fuss about.

Monika caught her eye briefly, gesturing a nod towards her and Yuri's locked hands with a cheeky grin. Surprised, Natsuki flinched her hand away to cross her arms tightly over her chest; she very nearly playfully flipped Monika off but the girl had turned her attention back to Sayori already, prodding her cheek gently and muttering to her. With a mewl in protest she stirred, burrowing her head further into Monika's shoulder before blinking her eyes open fully.

She looked so innocent in that mere second of confusion. But her eyes soon glazed over with shock as she sat up, her head darting around her. "I slept through the whole thing?!"

Monika giggled, kissing her cheek before standing up and offering her a helpful hand. "You did, sleepyhead."

Sayori pouted and took a firm hold of her girlfriend's waiting hand, using it as leverage to jump to her feet. "Oh well. I'm starving!" The sudden, drastic change of mood was pretty...unsettling, to say the least.

They made their way out of the cinema and along to the cafe they had arranged to eat at, chatting about the film. Yuri and Monika seemed to have loved it, which made sense as it was totally their thing. Since the cafe was only a brief walking distance they decided to take the stroll in the Autumn breeze instead of drive, especially as Monika had mentioned something about saving the environment and petrol fumes. As they walked Sayori just continued to whine about missing the whole film; after the fourth or fifth time she brought it up her girlfriend offered her a quick kiss and made a promise that they'd rent it out and have a movie night once available, which seemed to cheer Sayori up even further. They were a sweet couple, she thought again. For like the tenth time that day.

"Sayo," Natsuki started, since she would get no where with Yuri or Monika right now with the way their conversation was heading. "What're you gonna get?"

Sayori's face contorted with thought as she pondered her reply. "Something sweet. The hospital food _sucks._ I can't wait to actually eat some real food!"

"I bet," Natsuki laughed. Seeing Sayori so cheerful again warmed her heart. "So what've you and Moni got planned for later?"

 

* * *

 

The couple waved them off from the car as Monika drove away from the house en route to her own home. Natsuki let out a relieved breath as she watched the tail end of it disappear around a corner; on their drive home Sayori had questioned why her and Yuri had asked to be dropped off at Yuri's together. Natsuki had swallowed her pride and spat some unconvincing lie about homework she needed help with, which Sayori seemed to roll with. Her suspicious would only grow with time, though.

The second the front door shut with a slight click Natsuki made a grab for Yuri's wrist, spinning her around to face her. "You're a freaking tease," she growled, pulling her down forcefully to her level and claiming her lips. Yuri squeaked, obviously surprised, before she slackened and gripped Natsuki's waist.

"What did I do?" She asked breathlessly with a pretty little smile as they drew back. That was a good question, actually. And she wasn't entirely sure she had a convincing answer. Had it been the cinema? The car? How she had ran the edge of her boots up and down her legs in the cafe..?

"Just... _ugh!"_ Using the arms she had locked around her neck she pulled her back for another, fervent kiss. With slightly inelegant movements she guided Yuri backwards through the doorway to the living room, where the back of Yuri's knees hit the edge of the sofa and coaxed her to sit. Natsuki keenly climbed onto her lap, ensuring her legs straddled her waist tightly as they continued to kiss.

Much to her irritation Yuri's hands weren't roaming, they merely stayed locked at her waist. She needed _something_. Something more. Her deprived skin tingled with the need to be touched. Desperately, Natsuki grasped one of Yuri's hands between her own, guiding it under her clothing and up to her chest. 

Yuri whimpered against her mouth and gently pushed her back a little, parting them. Her cheeks were flushed and her pupils wide beautifully. "I-I thought we were trying not to start anything we cannot finish," she whispered, her breath dusting quickly along her lips and Natsuki rolled her eyes impatiently, shifting her weight ever closer to her.

"I want to, though," she replied quietly, to which Yuri's expression softened into hopeful anticipation.

"Are you certain? I do not want you to do this only because I said-"

She silenced her by placing a delicate finger over her lips. "I'm sure," Natsuki moved to kiss her again but Yuri dodged her, shaking her head sincerely.

"Not here. You deserve more than a sofa." Yuri gently nudged her to her feet and took her hand, leading her gradually down the hallway, up the stairs and to her bedroom.

Natsuki clenched her fists rhythmically as she stood in the center of Yuri's room, thick tension creeping up her rib cage and squeezing her heart coldly. She heard Yuri shut the door behind her. _This was happening. No going back now._

The adrenaline from seconds ago had dimmed, leaving her with a ball of nerves in her stomach. She felt the warm pressure of Yuri's hands start at her shoulders and seep down her arms, Natsuki basked in it for a second before finding the courage to turn and face her, feeling like a fawn with awkward, spindly movements, unsure of her footing. With soft, reassuring eyes Yuri smiled at her sweetly, calming her in an instant. "You can change your mind whenever you please. I would hate for you to feel stuck here."

"I'm okay," she murmured. Yuri responded by coaxing her a touch closer and kissing her steadily for a few, blissful seconds. A little, pleased sigh escaped her as they parted once more.

"Just relax." Yuri said, her hands slipping under the hem of Natsuki's shirt and spreading white hot fire as her touch worked its way around the bare skin slowly. After a short time of exploring her fingers returned to the hem of her shirt, pulling it effortlessly over her head.

Instinctively, Natsuki moved her forearms to hide her half-covered chest, her heating face a contrast to the chill running along her exposed top. She felt a little as though she were on display standing there under the watchful eyes of her girlfriend. With gentle fingers and an encouraging smile Yuri grasped her wrists and lowered her arms. "There is no need to hide, Natsuki. You are beautiful."

She merely nodded, her words relaxing her apprehension. It seemed Yuri was taking easily to being forced into a position of control, which was a drastic divergence from her usual, shy self, but...Natsuki liked it. A lot. 

It kind of suited her.

Natsuki reached out tentatively, her hands tracing little patterns up Yuri's stomach and around her back. The cream sweater was soft beneath her fingertips, yet she felt a burning need for it to just _be gone._ She snatched the hem of garment, but before she could remove it Yuri's own hands fell atop hers, halting her. "Y-You are aware that my scars are not pretty, yes?"

 _Oh, of course._ She'd nearly forgotten. "They won't bother me," she assured her with confidence. Yuri nipped her lip prettily prior to removing the fabric in one, smooth movement over her head. "Wow..." Natsuki's heart welled with overwhelming craving, her eyes darting up and down the expanse of milky skin that currently stood on parade for her. Until her sight caught the mangled, scarred flesh of her arms. It was the first time she was seeing them up close and it shocked her more than she expected. Both her forearms and her upper arms were covered in thick, white scars, some in perfect rows of lines, others in a tangled mess of curves and slashes. Some were a deeper red, they seemed more recent than the older scars but still healed well. Then, there were some brighter, thicker marks that protruded on her skin. The fresher ones.

Natsuki took the sight before her in with an unsteady breath. Suddenly Yuri's cool, collected beauty had morphed into trepidation. She was no longer looking at her directly and she had begun to play with her hair once more. Realising this, Natsuki stepped forward into the girl's line of sight, offering her a comforting smile. She didn't hate Yuri for the scars and she felt no fear because of them. They were just...different. It was still the same girlfriend in front of her. "They're okay, don't worry. Y-You're pretty."

Yuri seemed relieved for a moment until that charming air of confidence snapped back into place. She gripped Natsuki's waist, guiding her backwards to the bed. "Take your skirt off and climb on," she whispered close to her ear, pressing a kiss to the sensitive skin below the lobe. Natsuki did as she had been ordered to, her fingers clumsily finding the elastic waist of her skirt and letting it sink to the floor. She stepped out of the fabric and crawled onto the mattress, the duvet soft against her skin. The weight of Yuri's eyes on her felt thick and heavy; despite still being covered by her underwear she drew her knees and arms to her chest as she sat waiting on the bed. 

She had never really thought badly about her body. She occasionally wished she wasn't so skinny and short, although she'd never imagined she would feel so crushingly self conscious about those things.  _It's just Yuri, chill._

It  _was_  just Yuri. But as she watched the girl unbutton and remove her ebony jeans with her usual smooth coordination she began to feel those silly insecurities she tried so hard to hide gnaw away at her logical mind like rapid termites. Yuri was beautiful, all soft curves and pale complexion. Although her chest heaved with desire and her skin heated with excitement Natsuki noticed that the unsated, irrational jealousy she used to have towards the girl had ignited once more.

It was a strange, complicated feeling. To adore and likewise envy her so much.

Fortunately she wasn't given much time to dwell on those feelings as Yuri soon slipped onto the duvet to join her. Slowly, she persuaded her to lower her knees from her chest with a gentle, guiding touch and encouraged her to sink back to the sheets. Natsuki's pulse throbbed as Yuri leaned over her, her skin still furiously demanding to be touched. 

This time, Yuri complied to its wishes. She kissed her intensely as her fingers drew tender patterns up and down from her neck to her navel. Natsuki gripped her waist, the crescents of her nails digging into the flesh. She was being too gentle, too calm. It was infuriating. "Stop holding back," she whispered during a moment's breather. Much to her delight, Yuri keened and nipped her lip between her teeth, her hands speeding a little as her touch became rougher. 

With her newly found confidence she allowed her palms to wander along Yuri's fine curves, reveling in their combined, exposed bodies so perfectly fitting together. The contained bitterness she had felt not long before had easily disintegrated into sheer need for the girl and instead of envying her body she let herself drown in the feeling of it above and against her. Pure elation exploded through her mind, justifying a contented whine. 

Yuri pulled away slightly with a soft smile and kissed her again once, a sweet, quick kiss before she trailed a breathless line of them down to her throat, her hot tongue flicking against the skin. Natsuki squirmed impatiently, Yuri's kisses eliciting an intoxicated whine from her. She channeled her budding longing to advance a step further, her nails running down Yuri's back to grip her rear and pull her closer, which only urged her girlfriend on with a contented moan.

"Open your legs." The softly spoken words made her swoon, leaving her limbs weak but she did as she had been instructed nonetheless. An exhilarating rush excited her in an instant as Yuri's hand traced circles around the flesh of her belly before slipping effortlessly under the band of her panties. "Are you sure?"

She nodded, her eager anticipation driving her wild. "Yeah, g-go for it," her voice was weak, distorted by her rapid breathing, but it lacked any nerves. The distinct absence of fear she felt led her to realise something all of a sudden. Something incredibly important.

For the first time she really, completely trusted somebody.

She trusted _Yuri_. With her life.

Yuri wouldn't hurt her or force her into anything she felt uncomfortable with. Natsuki knew that.

And that was one of the many reasons she would so willingly hand over everything she had to offer to her: Her heart; her trust; her virginity...

It was one of the reasons she loved her.

 _...Oh, fuck. I think I actually, genuinely love her._  

* * *

 

_'I know you are nothing like him,'_

_'So delicate, hands show such control.'_

_'We both know you could hurt me but you don't.'_

_'I know you would rather die than grow into his clothes.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not 100% comfortable with full on smut, but I got this far which is something? Right? Leave the rest to the imagination.


	17. The Marks of a Whore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I binged the entirety (well, what's available so far) of Citrus the other day and I'm so hooked on it holy shit. But it's been delaying my writing a little, oops.

Natsuki's skin buzzed with an electric energy, her chest heaving and her senses heightened. Nothing else even paralleled the overwhelming pleasure and satisfaction she felt coursing through her veins in that very moment of blissful peace **.**

Yuri blinked at her sleepily as she lay beside her, the dark sheets pulled up around her pale chest and a lazy, contented smile alighting her flushed face beautifully; Natsuki's chest fluttered at the sight.

_Yeah, definitely love..._

Yuri's shy, expectant look left her scrambling for a coherent sentence. "That was..." she murmured, not entirely sure how she intended to finish.  _Amazing? Fun? Perfect?_  No mere word seemed sufficient enough to contain her brimming emotions. "Just  _wow_."

A short, sweet laugh escaped Yuri's kiss-swollen lips as she pulled her into her arms, her chin resting atop her pink head of hair. "I agree," she sighed, her nails tracing gentle lines up and down her exposed back. Lying in her arms felt comforting, Natsuki relaxed into her touch with a happy little purr and her fingers unconsciously twisted Yuri's long hair playfully. A funny resemblance to Yuri's own habit, she noticed. "How do you feel?"

She pondered the question for a moment, before speaking up. "Satisfied," Yuri giggled at that, a charming sound that warmed her heart. "A bit sore, though."

"Yes," Yuri replied quietly, her voice adopting a solemn, sad tone all of a sudden. "You will do."

For some reason or another it hadn't crossed her mind in the heat of their passion that this wasn't exactly new to Yuri, until it did. And once the thought implanted itself she couldn't seem to shake it. _Oh, God, what if they were better than me...?_ As her mind manifested unpleasant images that she really didn't want to think of a pit formed in her stomach, leaving her feeling slightly nauseous and uneasy. Was it wrong to feel jealous about that sort of thing? That she hadn't been the one to take Yuri's virginity from her? Probably not.

"Are you alright?" She hadn't noticed her fidgeting had became a little too erratic. Yuri had backed away to study her appearance, a concerned, watchful look present.

"Y-Yeah, I just..." It was silly, she shouldn't mention it. It had been none of her business, anyway. It was only selfish to ruin the mood with her own foolish feelings. "It's nothing."

Seemingly unconvinced, Yuri shook off her strange episode anyway with a frown and she returned to holding her in her arms. Distracting herself, Natsuki watched as she traced lines with her index finger along the girl's shoulder and collarbones, her flesh prettily tinted red with kisses and heat. After a moment her eyes caught the sliced, scarred skin of her girlfriend's arms. "Yuri?" A curious hum spurred her on. "Do you still want to...cut?"

"Honestly? Yes," she admitted gravely, "But I will refrain from doing so for your sake."

"Oh," she swallowed what felt like a mangled ball of yarn, her insecurities getting the better of her once again. "B-But, uh, was I...y'know...o-okay..?"

"You were perfect," she whispered, dusting light kisses along her hair. "You did everything I could have hoped for from you. Thank you." Natsuki nuzzled her face further into the crook of her neck with a relieved sigh. "That is not the problem at all."

"You still unsure about what's causing it?" Natsuki murmured sleepily against Yuri's throat, to which Yuri nodded once.

"I am hoping the counselling will help me figure that out."

Oh yeah, that was starting soon. "When's your appointment again?"

"Two weeks from tomorrow." One of Yuri's hands had moved, her palm running lovingly through Natsuki's short hair. The feel of her sharp nails scratching her scalp as she did so made her shudder pleasantly, while leaving her feeling sleepy and a little disoriented. Maybe she should move soon, once her muscles stopped aching so much. As if sensing her thoughts Yuri piped up again, "You are free to use the shower if you please."

She whined in protest and kissed the expanse of skin she had access to. "I will soon. Too comfy." Yuri chuckled quietly, her arms squeezing her slightly.

"As you wish."

They lay in peaceful silence, their respective hands slowly roaming along the other in compassionate, loving movements as they shared occasional kisses. After a short while a harsh buzz from the bedside table shattered the bubble around their little world, thrusting them into reality. As Yuri shifted to check her phone Natsuki huffed and took the opportunity to force herself away from her.

The chill of the room against her heated, exposed skin felt refreshing as she pushed the duvet off of her and reached for her discarded clothes to slip them on leisurely. She tread softly out of the room and down the hall, intending to take thorough advantage of Yuri's shower offer. 

As she stepped inside the glass cubicle the shower washed away her sweat, cleared her mind and relaxed her tender muscles in a rush of warm water. She sighed happily, running her fingers through her wet hair as she savored the soothing heat against her tender skin. Her body would likely complain the next day, but she couldn't bring herself to care all too much.

Once pleased she slipped out once more onto the fluffy shower mat and wrapped a deep purple towel around her chest, securing it under one of her arms. She took another, smaller towel and used it to rub the worse of the moisture from her hair. Music drifted through the walls as she did so, encouraging her to sway a little to the beat. 

With a quick swipe Natsuki cleared a patch of condensation off the mirror, allowing her access to see herself clearly. Her light eyes had a bright, shiny appearance to them and her skin was  _glowing_. As in it looked clearer and softer and... _redder?_ She had a dusty tint to her cheeks, sure, but...

Natsuki stepped closer to the mirror, peering at herself curiously. Then, in an instant, her stomach plummeted at the sight before her.

Along her neck and shoulder she had distinct crimson bite marks, some darkening into a speckled, deep purple. She ran her fingers along them in a desperate, pitiful attempt to wipe them off, to no avail. Nausea choked her, her pulse racing as her mind turned foggy. 

 _Oh, fuck,_  they were so obvious. 

She fled from the bathroom and down the short hall to Yuri's room, her panic overtaking her rationality as she stumbled through the door, her hand still clutching the bites. "Y-Yuri!" she stammered, her eyes darting around and finding the other girl. She had slipped her dressing gown on, a silken, black garment with red vines of roses twisting their way around the fabric. She would have believed it looked beautiful on her if her thoughts weren't otherwise occupied. Yuri blinked up at her cautiously, but her expression soon morphed into fear as Natsuki lowered her palm from her neck, exposing the bruising.

"Oh, Gosh!" She muttered, trotting over to her hastily for a closer inspection. "O-Oh I, um, I was _certainly_ not supposed to do that!"

Yuri sounded pained, her voice tinted with guilt. Natsuki swallowed her pride. Any other day she would have likely pinned the blame on Yuri and gotten overly feisty with her, but her sated mind soothed those negative feelings that threatened to overflow. "It's not your fault," she said numbly. She noticed her fingers were shaking and Yuri seemed to pick up on it, too, taking her hands within her own. "I-I don't know what to do."

"I am so sorry," she said, her voice full of sorrow. "What about the scarf?"

Natsuki nipped her lip, shaking her head. "I don't know if that'll work. Papa knows the bruises have faded."

"I-It is better than nothing, yes?" 

"I guess," she muttered, her shoulders slumping in defeat. Yuri pulled her into a hug, seemingly unfazed by her still dripping hair. 

"I apologize, I should-" Natsuki grumbled, interrupting her.

"It's not your fault," she repeated firmly. "So shush, okay?"

 

* * *

 

"Yuri, I have an idea." Natsuki had been pondering her options for the entirety of their walk home, her final decision solidified.

"What is it?"

"I, uh, I want you to call the police if I ever send you a suspicious message."

"Really? Are you certain you are prepared for that?"

"Yeah, I think I'd be ready if needed. But, promise me something?" Yuri hummed curiously. "If, for any reason, it ever does come down to that don't try and interfere yourself. He'd hurt you."

Yuri frowned. "I-If it makes you feel better I will promise." The tone of her voice didn't exactly sound convincing, but Natsuki placed her trust in her besides that. She had no other choice, really. "B-But would it not be easier to call the police yourself?"

Natsuki shook her head tautly, her pink hair bobbing as she did so. "I can't bring myself to do that."

Thankfully, Yuri took the hint and accepted that as a valid excuse without question. "Alright." Her hand wrapping around Natsuki's wrist halted her as they reached the bottom end of her street. Surprised, she stopped and turned to face her. "I would be lying if I said I am not worried for your safety. Please be careful."

"Always am," she said with a little grin. But Yuri still had that scared, guilty look in her eye that tugged her heartstrings painfully, so for her sake she changed her approach to a softer, serious one. "Listen, I'm gonna be fine. And now that I know you've got my back I only feel ten times safer. I'll message you as soon as I'm in, okay?"

Yuri nodded halfheartedly, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Huffing, Natsuki bounced up to press a sweet, quick kiss to her lips, which was returned immediately. "A-Alright, try not to forget about the snacks I gave you. Stay safe, Natsuki."

"I won't. You, too, I lo-" She froze. Where exactly was her though process taking her with that sentence... "I, uh, I'll see you on Monday!"  _Ouch_ , the false, dramatic enthusiasm made her cringe but it seemed to distract Yuri enough from her almost humiliating slip up.  _Fuck_ , it was  _way_  too early to be thinking anything about love. Wasn't it?

Well, maybe exceptions could be made when you've been friends for years. But, still. Too soon. 

And, besides, what if the other girl didn't say it back?

Yuri offered her a weak smile and a nod before Natsuki turned to head home, her pulse racing and the brisk Autumn breeze chilling her exposed neck, reminding her she had to be careful.

The door to the apartment opened with a creak and Natsuki inhaled a long, leveling breath before stepping inside and shutting it again. As usual, the buzz and flickers from the television droned through into the hall as she walked passed the living room doorway tensely. The clinking of an empty can being discarded made her flinch, her footsteps speeding a little as she reached the stairs. 

Once safely in her room after clearing the stairway with no issues she exhaled a stiff breath she hadn't even noticed she'd been holding and made a grab for the scarf that was slung across her mirror. Wounding it around her neck, she padded over to her little bed and lay down with an ungraceful flop, the tension draining from her. Yuri's bed was miles comfier.

Her muscles ached, her head throbbed and her worries were escalating but despite it all Natsuki smiled at the ceiling as she clutched her chest. She never would have thought she would become a soppy romance person, but she could slowly feel herself falling in love and it just seemed too damn good to ignore. 

 _Oh, crap, gotta message Yuri._ She didn't need to prolong her concern any longer than necessary. She idly sifted through the contents of her bag for her phone, fishing it out after a moment. A little new message icon bobbed on the screen.

 

**_(5) New Message(s) from: Sayori_ **

_6:42pm: Sayori - Sup, Suki! Thanks for coming today <3_

_6:44pm: Sayori - You there??_

_6:48pm: Sayori - Hellooooo..._

_6:51pm: Sayori - :(_

_6:56pm: Sayori - Do you hate me?_

 

 _Poor, sweet Sayori._ She thought with a smile, typing a reply to assure her she was there and she loved her.

Natsuki frowned. It wasn't weird for her to say she loved Sayori so casually, which she did, so why did it feel so wrong to say it to Yuri? Granted, they had different contexts, but that shouldn't matter if they were her feelings, right?

Shaking those thoughts off she messaged Yuri to inform her that she was safe from harm. She left off the "so far" part she was thinking, though, as she pressed send. She dropped her phone to the lumpy mattress and reached into her bag again, pulling out a bar of chocolate that Yuri had given her. She had offered her a few snacks before they left for when she inevitably became hungry so the interaction with papa could be minimized while the marks healed. 

Her phone buzzed, alerting her.

 

**_(1) New Message(s) from: Yuri_ **

_7:10pm: Yuri - That is great to hear. Thank you again for today, I had fun._

 

Natsuki grinned as she picked keenly at the chocolate. Well, she should safely say she'd had a crap load of fun herself.

 

_7:11pm: Natsuki - Yeah, same. Thanks. What you doing when you get back home?_

 

As she was typing, yet another message came through.

 

_**(1) New Message(s) from: Sayori** _

_7:11pm: Sayori - I love you too <3 So how was your day at Yuri's, huh??_

 

For a second she actually pondered telling her about her and Yuri. She felt like she needed to talk to _someone_ about it; it was a big deal, after all. Her and Sayori were close enough for that, they'd had a late night heart to heart at her house when Sayori had admitted her crush on Monika to Natsuki and again not long after they'd gotten together. Actually, looking back it was almost clear as day that she had been struggling with something along the lines of depression, since she had talked very lowly of herself. 

Even so, it was wrong to inform her without Yuri's consent, so instead she made up some lie about the homework she had told her about and hoped that she would fall for it.

Which she did.

 

_7:14pm: Sayori - Ugh, maths. Boringgg!_

_7:15pm: Natsuki - It's only boring cause I'm not there. What did you and Monika do?_

_7:16pm: Sayori - Ehehe, take a wild guess!_

_7:17pm: Natsuki - You guys are gross_

 

That was a little hypocritical, but Sayori didn't need to know that. She opened the message from Yuri that had just popped up.

 

_7:17pm: Yuri - I suppose I will get some work done. What are your plans?_

 

Over the course of the evening Natsuki texted her and Sayori while she covered some work herself and ate the snacks that Yuri had provided. Eventually she crawled into bed, abandoning her work to instead focus on resting and texting. Sayori drifted away first, claiming her medication was making her drowsy and she had to sleep before she just passed out. That left her and Yuri.

They were deep in conversation about the Portrait of Markov, which Natsuki had finished not long ago, when stumbling footsteps edging closer to the door sent an icy chill down her spine. 

Hastily she ensured the covers were pulled up enough to act as an extra barrier between him and the marks, just as the door creaked. He stood in the doorway, a terrifying silhouette against the obscure darkness of the hall.

His narrowed eyes found her from across the room. He was drunk, she noted, his figure swaying slightly as he used the doorframe to steady himself. 

"Lights off, girl," he hissed, distaste dripping from his tongue. She nodded numbly and reached over to flick her little lamp off. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Sorry, papa." The words sounded bitter to her ears, the blatant lie a clear counterpart to her fear. He seemed to accept it, however.

Muttering to himself he reached for the door handle with rocky movements, shutting it with a sharp slam that made her flinch.

She exhaled in relief, pulling the covers around herself tighter in attempt to relax her shaking body.

She had been lucky. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be up yesterday but I couldn't figure out how to bring this chapter to an end so embrace the rushed, quick closing.


	18. Dog Teeth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Yeah, serious warning for this chapter. It's not light.**   
>  **I won't give too much away but refer to the tags if you feel like you might need to check.**

Natsuki padded into the kitchen on aching legs, her body still reeling from her activities from the previous day. She pocketed her phone after typing a quick reply to Sayori with a smile. They'd been chatting a lot more recently, which she was thankful for; hopefully once she was finally discharged from the hospital they would spend more time together like they used to. She wandered over to the fridge to search for any available food since she had foolishly finished off the snacks last night, not that she had her hopes up too much. Papa was there himself, leaning gracelessly against the kitchen counter.  _Ugh_ , Natsuki had been right. No substantial food. Papa shook an empty can of beer as his narrowed eyes scanned her quizzically.

"It's warm enough in here, get that scarf off," he grunted, dropping the can to the floor with a sharp _clink_. The sound made Natsuki flinch, her paranoid thoughts escalating. "I'm not gonna repeat myself, little girl." His voice slurred. _Drunk already? Really?_

"It's comfortable," she said simply with a shrug. Her pulse throbbed as he took a slow step towards her, taking a firm hold of the fabric. "N-No! Don't!"

Too late. He ripped the pink garment from her neck, exposing the numerous bite marks trailing her throat and shoulder. Papa's deep breathing quickened rapidly, his eyes turning wild as he studied them with unnecessary attentiveness. "I fucking knew it." Natsuki flinched again as he spat the bitter words, fear rising immediately into her throat.

"You little slut," he growled, his voice seeping with uncontrolled rage. Instinctively she held her arms up to her face, which proved effective against the first, predictable hit as her forearms took the brunt of the force, her nose catching the tail-end of it. She yelped in fright as he swung at her again, catching her in the side of the head. A blunt, dull thud knocked her to the tiled floor, her vision spinning dangerously. 

She was weak. Too weak to take a hit.

_You're pathetic._

Tears stung her eyes as she stifled her crying. After a moment of silence Natsuki lowered her arms a little to risk a glance in papa's direction, finding him prowling the kitchen. She hastily took that open opportunity to scramble for her phone, keeping it secure and unlocked under her sleeve. She was fucking ready to expose him to the world as the monster he truly was, Yuri had given her the confidence for that.

"I'll kill him, I'll slit his throat and kill him," Papa was muttering numerous frightening death threats under his breath, his hands bunched into tight fists. All of a sudden he turned on her once more and she nearly cried out in fear as his meaty hands made a grab for her. In a state of panic she attempted to send a quick keyboard blast to Yuri until the phone was slapped viciously out of her hand, his palm gripping her wrist firmly as her mobile skid far across the floor. She didn't even know what she'd typed or if she'd pressed send, but it was the only thing she could grasp onto for hope.

She yelped again as he pinned her down roughly by her wrists, his touch sweaty and painful. Her head knocked bluntly against the tile and she groaned at the white hot pain spreading down her neck. She almost missed what he said next, his breath hot and suffocating across her face.

"I'm gonna fucking show you how it's really done."

_Oh, fuck. Oh fuck._

_He couldn't possibly mean..._

She felt a hand move to her thigh, gripping the flesh roughly to shove her legs open with unrelenting force.

_He did. He meant it._

Fear blinded her in an instant, smothering her better judgement. She screamed hoarsely for anyone, _anything_ , willing to help her, which only resulted in a sharp slap from the monster currently suffocating her. She should have kept screaming, she should have fought harder, but she just slumped, screwing her eyes shut.

It was a pointless, worthless war that she didn't have the strength to fight for any longer. 

She was useless, pathetic, broken.

And this would completely and utterly shatter her once and for all.

So instead of fighting she just allowed herself to break down and sob.

She cried while his weight shifted to settle between her legs, his fingers fumbling clumsily with fabric and zippers.

She cried while he spat insults and degrading comments to her shaking body.

She cried as his hands ripped the fabric of her dress.

She cried as she thought of her sweet Yuri. 

She cried as she knew she would never forgive her for being tainted.

She cried as she knew he was going to destroy her beyond belief.

 

...

 

 

_Stop, I didn't ask for this._

 

_Please._

 

_Please don't._

 

_Help._

 

_This is too much._

 

_I didn't want this._

 

_Help me._

 

_Someone._

 

_...!_

 

_**"Get. Your. Fucking. Hands. Off. Her."** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry.


	19. The Killing Type

_**"Get. Your. Fucking. Hands. Off. Her."** _

\---

Natsuki scrambled for loose threads of courage to squint her eyes open, her vision clouded by floods of tears as she sniffled. A dark silhouette blocked most of her view, but as her eyes darted to the source of the voice her stomach churned, her erratic sobbing intensifying.

Yuri stood in the doorway, visibly trembling. A blade glinted in the light from her hand as her whole demeanor seethed pure lunacy. Natsuki caught her eye, her pupils so dilated they appeared black as she stared back at her with her teeth bared in a terrifying snarl. She took a step closer and Natsuki tensed, her panic rising ever further. But not for her own safety this time. 

A crushing numbness consumed her as the suffocating weight shifted and the hand clamping her wrists tightened painfully as Papa turned to Yuri, a bitter glare in his eye. "Get out of here, little girl," he spat in disgust, "Or I'll hurt you, too." Yuri took another step closer and Natsuki shook her head urgently as she sobbed, ignoring the throbbing pain in her body spreading like wildfire.

"Y-Yuri, don't!" she pleaded, her voice hoarse and weak. A sharp slap across her cheek prompted a shocked yelp from her and she could practically feel the heat of Yuri's fury escalating.

"Get off her you _fucking monster_ ," her voice seeped with a white hot rage, but it sounded frighteningly controlled. Almost calm; and that was far more unnerving than if she had allowed herself to act so willingly on her impulses, Natsuki thought.

But she wasn't given a chance to dwell on that for long as a thick fist closed around her throat, her airway blocked in an instant. "Make me, bitch." Heavy dread consumed her rationality as she gasped for any available sliver of breath with little luck, her vision spinning as her head drained of the oxygen supply.

Yuri moved in the blink of an eye and with a flash of a blade. Natsuki froze, screwing her eyes shut as time skid to a halt for a few painfully slow seconds. She felt dazed and could hear her blood rushing through her skull in the startling silence.

Then warm liquid splashed against her face and time suddenly kick started again. Natsuki's eyes shot open in alarm and the scene before her escalated in the space of a second A bloodcurdling shriek practically deafened her as the hands around her throat and wrists lifted. Air flooded her lungs as she took a deep breath and coughed violently; the weight suffocating her body vanished and she reveled in the fact she could finally move her aching limbs once more.

The relief was short lived, however, as she caught her father scrambling to his feet, pure outrage flashing hotly in his eyes as he set his sight onto Yuri. Panic blinded her as she noticed a large slash through the fabric at his shoulder, a deep red staining the surrounding area and slowly spreading.

 _Oh, fuck,_ Yuri had really stabbed him. 

He seemed unfazed by the wound as he made a stumbling beeline for Yuri, his hands grabbing for her. "I'll make you regret that," he growled, the sincerity of his voice churning Natsuki's stomach. A metallic clink followed a harsh slap and she looked to see Yuri's knife had fell to the floor beside her as the monster gripped her long hair between his fingers.

She should have reacted. She should have jumped to her feet and helped her girlfriend. But all she could do was watch numbly with dazed vision, her whole body frozen in shock where she lay as the cold tile chilled the skin he had exposed.

Yuri, however, didn't seem phased by the assault. Even as his fist tightened and yanked her hair that sickeningly daunting snarl still twisted her lips as she glared with frenzied fury, her hands moving to grasp inside of her jacket to pull out another, hidden knife. She lifted it rapidly above her head, the blade winking at her sickeningly.

Natsuki's stomach plummeted at the sight, her worry for the girl surging.  _Yuri, don't fucking do anything you'll regret..._

Just as Yuri began to lunge a siren tore through the air, halting the two of them in a flash of red and blue lights slipping through the slits in the blinds.

_Police cars!_

Tears stung her eyes, her relief overwhelming. The front door burst open a moment later, an array of rapid footsteps charging down the hall until they found the three of them, their handguns raised. Papa released Yuri in an instant, taking a wide step away from her. 

"Drop your weapon!" One of the officers demanded, to which Yuri complied quickly, her hands shooting up to show she was unarmed asides the discarded knives. Natsuki risked a glance at her father, who appeared to have slumped in defeat against the counter.  _Serves you right, you piece of shit._

The same officer made brief eye contact with another before gesturing to Natsuki. She had nearly forgotten she was still sprawled out uncomfortably on the tiles. A female officer stalked over to her and knelt down, asking her a barrage of stern but sympathetic questions about her details, whether she could move, if she knew the blood was hers and if she was hurt. Due to the shock they suspected she was in they decided to elevate her legs while she remained laying down, her entire body screaming in pain as she moved.

As the officer talked reassuringly to her continuously she caught Yuri being escorted out of the house by another officer, presumably to safety. She seemed to have snapped out of her previous demeanor, her shy, nervous attitude returning under the scrutiny of the police. Papa had been handcuffed by that point and was in the process of being guided out, too, which she was more than thankful for.

The adrenaline was fading quick, leaving her feeling nauseous and dirty from the assault. She pat herself down with hurried hands, realising the top half of her clothes were haphazardly ripped from the shoulder to the stomach; her chest, still covered modestly by her bra luckily, was on show while the skirt of the dress was pushed far up her waist, her legs exposed. She didn't care about the clothes too much, though. 

Her traumatized mind had blocked out most of the memories from only minutes before; she couldn't recall how long she'd been lying there for. It could have been hours, minutes or seconds before she was saved. She couldn't remember how she had felt, how far he'd gotten, what he'd done to her...

Thankfully, she felt a distinct lack of any pain in her lower regions and her panties were still relatively intact, if a little fondled with. Perhaps Yuri had arrived just in time and he hadn't succeeded in violating her to the extent she had so feared. 

If that was the case then she owe her whole sanity to Yuri.

Even so, he had certainly attempted to. There was no doubt in her mind that he would have succeeded if he hadn't been interrupted, and for that he was officially dead to her. She hoped with all her battered heart that the police would lock him in a cell and throw away the key once and for all.

"We're going to need to escort you out of here. Are you able to move?" the officer asked, her voice serious but nonetheless reassuring. Natsuki nodded, wincing as she attempted to push herself to her feet without much luck. Backup was signaled over, however, and as a group of four they all helped Natsuki to stand. Nothing felt broken, she noted as she straightened what was left of her dress, which was a relief at least. 

"C-Can I get a shirt? T-To cover, uh..." She murmured, her voice frail from the assault to her throat but she really didn't care all too much. 

"I'm afraid one of us will need to get it for you, is that alright?" Natsuki agreed, letting them know where in her room the clothes drawer was. One of them detached from the group to follow her instructions. They returned less than a minute later with a baggy pajama shirt that Natsuki slipped on over her torn clothing. 

On unsteady legs and with assistance from the officers she managed to make it out of the house. Police cars surrounded the building alongside an ambulance, to which the group seemed to be leading her towards. Her eyes darted around, finally landing on Yuri. She was standing beside a police car, visibly fidgeting erratically. She looked so worried.

"Yuri!" she called out hoarsely, to which the girl perked up as her sight set on her. Yuri wasted no time in rushing over to her, her expression tainted with utter trepidation as she kept her distance.

"D-Did he manage to...?" Natsuki shook her head, not entirely sure if that was the truth but she wanted to avoid worrying Yuri any further. "I am so, so sorry, Natsuki, I tried-" Yuri broke down into tears, her shoulders shaking, "I honestly tried to keep my promise but I just felt so helpless. He was hurting you."

"You saved me," she choked out, attempting to halt her own trembling body. "Don't apologise for that." Natsuki broke away from the officers currently supporting her, closing the distance between them to fold her into her arms and burrow her head under her chin, the usual dark, floral scent of her perfume immediately comforting. This wasn't her father, she was safe.

Yuri sighed unsteadily, her arms hesitant around her body, as if she would shatter if she held her too tightly. Perhaps she would. "I, um, I-I recorded the whole thing."

Flinching back, Natsuki gripped Yuri's arms between her palms, eyeing her quizzically. "You...what?"

She shifted her weight awkwardly and gestured over to a policeman who held a plastic bag in his hands, Yuri's phone being the contents. "I planted my phone in the hallway as I came to help so we had video evidence against him. He deserves it, after all."

She could have cried in that moment, relief and hope swelling. "Yuri! You beautiful, amazing girl!" Despite the trauma, the pain and the fear Natsuki still cracked a quiet laugh as she hugged her girlfriend once more, as tight as she possibly could before she winced. "You're the best, I love you." Yuri tensed in her arms as she froze herself. 

_Shitshitshit why the fuck did you say that now of all times? Worst possible timing ever, Nat._

All the mixed, insane emotions flitting around her mind had disoriented her, leaving her weak and mentally exposed. Which meant her true feelings were vulnerable. 

She hated it. She'd said something foolish, as she always did in these situations. _Dammit, way to make everything awkward._

Pulling away, she risked a glance up at Yuri who merely gazed down at her with an adoring, sweet smile. "You do? Even after seeing me...like that?"

Natsuki nodded numbly, her heart racing. She still hadn't said it back yet. "You saved me," she repeated, trying her hardest to keep her voice steady. With a pretty blush Yuri hid her face behind her long, violet hair. _Really not the time to get all shy..._

"W-Well, I, uh," Yuri stuttered as she looked intently at the graveled floor, her shoe kicking loose pebbles. No, if they were doing this they were doing it right. Natsuki cupped her face between her hands and gently guided her to look her in the eyes, offering her an encouraging, weak smile. "I love you, too."

Her heart swelled blissfully as she beamed up at her through the crushing pain and fear. Despite the bustle of the scene around them she couldn't stand the growing tension any longer. Natsuki leaned up to kiss her carefully, mindful of the forming bruises along her lips and cheeks as she grasped onto Yuri's clothes tightly, securing her there.

After a fleeting moment they parted and Yuri rest her chin gently atop her head with a content sigh. "I-I'm sorry you had to see that," Natsuki muttered quietly, her mood depleting once more. Yuri shook her head slowly, her hands tracing soft lines up and down her back. 

"No need to apologise. We have both had a traumatizing experience today." That was true. They would likely both need some help to recover from the events, but they'd make it.

Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we deserved some fluff after all of that pain.
> 
> Also, this is now a chapter longer because I wanted to add some more stuff in. I'm really not looking forward to ending this, there's so much more I want to write about!


	20. Flowers of Flesh and Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I slacked a little with writing this chapter! As you can probably tell with the late update. But, hey, this is a couple chapters away from the end so we may as well drag it out a little, yeah??

Court had been...intimidating, to say the least. Natsuki hadn't exactly been prepared for such an intense experience when she'd rolled out of bed this morning, but most of the crushing weight of those grueling years of torment and abuse lifted immediately when she had heard the word  _'guilty'_ from the judge.

It had been tough to admit what her father had been doing to her over the years while he was right there in the room, eyeing her with contained rage the whole time. But she persevered, spilling all the details the judge may have required to help lock him away for good. Yuri's video evidence had proven amazingly useful in exposing him, too.

At least she had actually managed to get to court. They very nearly postponed it and kept her in hospital given her injuries and the evident shock she was in but she had insisted, pushing aside the pain and trauma to give way for the determination to lock the bastard up. That was all the motivation she had needed. 

It was done now. She was safe from him, for ten years at least.

But now she was sat in a sturdy wooden chair across from an older woman in a Child Protection Services building. It felt unnerving to be there given Natsuki was nearly eighteen and she hardly felt anything remotely near a child, but they were helping her get back on her feet; she just had to remind herself of that fact. The woman was kind and stern, her voice gentle as she adjusted her little round glasses to peer at her across the mahogany desk. They'd already discussed some alternative living arrangements that, after a few calls, had ended up not being possible. No one else in her family wanted to take her in.

"As you're homeless and have no relatives willing to allow you to live with them we will need to consider two other housing options for you," Natsuki's pulse quickened, her palms becoming clammy. She nodded tensely, signalling her understanding. "The first option is foster care," _nonono definitely not_ , "But given your age that's not as necessary as it would be for younger teenagers." _Thank fuck._ "The second is personal housing which we can provide for you. As you're still in education we're able to offer financial support that covers your bills and rent until you turn eighteen. This is often the more favorable option, as you can imagine."

Natsuki nodded, her decision finalized already. "That one."

"Very well," she made a brief note on her file before speaking up again. "There are multiple therapy options we can offer you-"

"No," Natsuki spoke up firmly. "I'd rather not."

"Therapy is highly recommended in these circumstances-"

"No," she repeated, her voice gaining in volume despite her burning throat.

"At least take this with you," she said, pushing a brochure along the desk towards her. "In case you change your mind." Hesitantly, Natsuki took it with numb fingers, folding it and stashing it in her bag. "Have you got anywhere to stay for a few days until we can figure out accommodation for you?"

She nodded, "I can stay with my frie-uh, girlfriend." It was still a strange, but nonetheless nice, feeling to call Yuri her girlfriend. She doubted she'd get used to it anytime soon.

The woman nodded briefly and noted Yuri's name, address and phone number when Natsuki offered them before she stood up and made her way over to the door, holding it open for her. "You're free to leave. We will contact you soon enough regarding your housing." With a relieved sigh she slipped through the door, the stress of the day making itself well known in her shoulders and neck.

Yuri sat fidgeting in an aged, battered chair in the white waiting room and Natsuki's heart skipped a beat at the sight of her, baring in mind she hadn't seen her since their confession of love outside of her old house. She had been whisked away to court while Natsuki had been taken to the hospital. Her father had been taken alongside her, too, but once his injuries were deemed not life threatening he was then forced to face the consequences of his crimes.

Yuri looked up quickly at the sight of her and offered her a weak, but pleased, smile. Natsuki slipped eagerly into the seat beside her and wrapped her arms around her tall frame, burrowing her head into the girl's neck for comfort.

She'd keep her safe.

"Are you alright?" Yuri asked, her arms sliding gently around her small shoulders to secure her there. Natsuki shrugged, exhaling a deep, tired breath. 

"What's gonna happen to you?" The question felt sour on her tongue, her pronounced fear of the answer tinting her voice.

"The court ruled my actions as self defense as well as defense of others. Nothing will happen to me, Natsuki." That was a relief, at least. "Are you ready to leave?"

"I just want to sit for a while," she murmured against Yuri's throat, her hand drowsily moving to hold her girlfriend's. 

"As you wish."

The day had been a consistent rollercoaster of spiraling emotions; fear, relief and worry taking the forefront of her thoughts as the hours passed in a blur of questions, stress and legal bullcrap. Natsuki felt simultaneously too old and too young for it all. It was just _too much_ all of a sudden. The worry for her immediate future ate away at her reasoning; she just needed some time to relax and recover.

More importantly, though, she needed a nap.

"Yuri?" Yuri hummed quietly. "Were those rumors about you true?"

She tensed, her hand squeezing her fingers gently. "A-Are you certain you want to hear that?"

Natsuki nodded against her shoulder, the angle awkward but she felt too drained to move. "You can trust me."

She waited patiently as Yuri look a little while to gather her thoughts, her weight shifting multiple times as she did so. "W-Well, some were, yes. Although, I am uncertain which exactly you heard."

"Just...tell me the truth."

"I...um, I hurt someone."

"Why?"

"They were hurting me."

"Yuri," Natsuki leaned up to kiss her cheek gently, feeling most of the crushing tension drain from the girl. "Tell me what happened."

"Do you remember who I was dating last year?" Natsuki nodded, a twinge of jealousy igniting in her heart. She remembered well. "W-Well, he tried to force himself on me when I denied him sex. He was hurting me. I-I had no choice but to defend myself against him." Yuri paused, her breathing escalating a touch.

"What did you do?" she asked, her voice ever so slightly frail.

"At that point in my life I had always carried around one of my knives with me for safekeeping, so...I stabbed him. It was the only think I could think of doing in that situation to save myself. I believe that is why I was so...protective of you this morning. I could sympathize with your circumstances, they were so similar to my own."

Natsuki hummed sadly as she listened to her story with keen attentiveness. "What happened after?"

"He started spreading the rumors. Called me a _'crazy bitch'_ and told everyone to steer clear of me. I-I am not crazy, Natsuki. I was just trying to protect myself."

"I believe you," she murmured, suddenly realising she was gripping Yuri's hand with a bit too much force than so necessary. She took a leveling breath and forced her tense muscles to relax. The injustice that her girlfriend had faced left her feeling incredibly empathetic towards her, it just seemed like such a distorted situation. "I had no idea about any of that."

Yuri laughed dryly, the bitter sound holding no humor. "Only Monika did. It would have been a pointless fight to try and explain the truth to each and every person. So I just let the stories circulate."

"That's so unfair," Natsuki grumbled, lifting her head to meet Yuri's eye. "It all makes sense now."

Smiling sadly, Yuri shook her head steadily, her violet hair shaking lightly. "It is alright. It was a fair while ago now."

"What a dick," she hissed, her frustration smothering her better judgement. Thankfully Yuri laughed quietly in response, a pretty blush dusting along her cheek bones.

"Indeed. Are you ready to leave yet?" 

Shaking her head, Natsuki returned to resting her aching head against the girl's shoulder, a little sigh escaping her parted lips as she made herself comfortable. "Just a few more minutes."

 

* * *

 

_With a panicked gasp, Natsuki blinked her eyes open. Peering around, she noticed an array of abandoned chairs and desks haphazardly discarded about the empty classroom._

_The literature club room. Once a haven for safety, now ravaged in a dull, sepia glow. It was too quiet. No hustle of students, no chatting voices. Just the slow, taunting ticking of the clock, very slightly out of rhythm._

_Tick. Tock. Tick._

_T-Tock._

_A consuming, icy draught seeped into her flesh, diffusing immediately through the surface to chill her bones._  

_Wait a moment..._

_She glanced down at herself. That dress...hadn't she thrown it out in utter disgust after...what he had done to her in it? Yet, it was the same one. It's signature ragged tear exposed her shoulder; three thick, deep claw marks sliced through the unsheltered flesh, leaving an ugly trail of rough, crimson lines._

_They didn't hurt anymore, though._

_They weren't half as bad as they had been in the past._

_Before she was used to this, that is._

_Natsuki paused in thought._

_Hmm. Dejavu. Weird._

_All of a sudden heavy, rapid footsteps echoed in the distant halls, hammering closer and closer to the club room door. Each step that shattered the harsh silence sent vicious tremors along her spine, urging a deep sense of dread to close thick fists around her throat, choking her with fear._

_The door swung open. Her father stood there, broken handcuffs clutching his wrists._

_He'd escaped._

_"I'm gonna make you pay."_

_She tried to scream as he made a stumbling dive for her, but no sound left her lips. Just a frustrating whoosh of silent air._

_She tried again. Nothing._

_He grabbed the loose strips of fabric at her shoulder, tearing the rest of the dress off her in one clumsy motion; the icy chill against her skin burned like rapid wildfire. The sting of fresh tears threatening to fall left her feeling weak and vulnerable._

_Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic._

_Shut up. Shut up. Shut up._

_A sharp shove knocked her to the floor made of...tiles? The literature club room didn't have a tiled floor? Looking up, she noticed a dark silhouette nesting among the tears clouding her vision._

_She blinked, her sight focusing in an instant,_ _revealing Yuri surrounded by the darkness of the school hallway, arms crossed over her chest. Or, at least, a version of Yuri. Her eyes, once warm and inviting, appeared cold and hard, containing no traces of their usual sweetness or affection. She wanted to reach out to her, to seek comfort from her touch, yet her steely demeanor had any thoughts of relief at her arrival banished. She looked...unnerving, her emotionless stare sending icy fingers trailing up her spine._

_That wasn't Yuri. She knew that, logically. She looked so painfully alike her, yet it wasn't her._

_Natsuki closed her eyes, gritting her teeth as if she could forcefully push the image of Yuri away with sheer willpower, or at least hoping the dim light had been playing tricks on her tortured mind and that she wasn't truly standing before her. Yet, as she pried her eyes open once more Yuri remained, a sickening, humorless grin twisting her beauty into a picture of spite._

_"H-Help me, Yuri!" Natsuki stammered, her voice trembling. So she could speak, then?_

_He'd told her not to scream._

_Her father prowled the murky floor of the classroom, edging ever closer to her beaten, battered body._

_Ugly yellow and black bruises littered her thighs, stomach, chest...when had they formed? She'd stopped keeping count._ _As her gaze darted to the Yuri impostor once more she winced, a throbbing pain shooting along her neck._

_Yuri still donned that nauseating grin, her pupils impossibly wide as she stared back at her with such frightening intimacy. Then she giggled. A short, sharp sound that left Natsuki's stomach plummeting. Screwing her eyes shut she shook her head forcefully, ignoring the agony of the ever growing colony of bruises and scratches engulfing her body. The false Yuri's laughter picked up once more, a bitter, shrill sound that stung her ears like potent acid._

_She had but a mere moment to dwell on the significance of that until her father finally pounced, like a wild cat hunting its prey._

_And she would be his next meal._

_As he made contact with her the world around her plunged into an obscure darkness. Starved hands clawed at her skin from all angles and she could finally let out a pained shriek as rough nails tore her flesh and muscle open, crushing fists grasping her wrists, hair, ankles..._

 

Something firm, yet gentle, lightly touched Natsuki's shoulder and she jolted awake with a start. At first the room around her appeared fuzzy, streams of harsh, yellow light blurring her vision, with only a single solid object in the way. Panic blinded her in an instant, each moment of terror that she had felt in her father's presence snaking itself about her chest cavity and wounding long fingers around her heart in a deathly tight grip.

"Hey," a soft, sweet voice cooed before her, warm breath dusting lightly across her face in the process. "Hey, you are safe. It is only me."

Forcing her eyes to focus, Natsuki found a gentle, encouraging gaze peering down at her, a sympathetic smile softening their expression. Her immediate reaction was to flee, to push the form away and hide from the oncoming suffering, before her sleep-dazed brain caught up with the present.

Yuri. It was the true Yuri's words soothing her, her soft speech lulling her fear. She wasn't going to hurt her, she wouldn't force her to face anything she felt unnerved by. She didn't have to be afraid.

"Yuri," she stuttered, her trembling body struggling to catch her breath once more as a side effect of the scarring nightmare. Overwhelming comfort seeped down her spine as she familiarized herself with her surroundings, recognizing in an instant that she was safe in Yuri's house. "I-I'm sorry."

"You hardly have to apologise," Yuri stated firmly, her touch hesitantly moving to stroke down her arm and take Natsuki's hand into her own. Natsuki forced herself to inhale a deep, calming breath and relax her aching body back against the soft mattress and pillows. The warmth of the duvet around her shoulders provided comfort against the cold sweat that had broken out along her skin.

Slowly, Yuri moved to flick the lamp off again, the room flooding with an isolating darkness as she returned to lie down. "Care to talk about it?"

Reluctantly, Natsuki shook her head, her eyes meeting Yuri's concerned gaze in the dim room. "Not yet. You can probably guess, anyway." Frowning, her girlfriend squeezed her fingers gently, the pressure a welcome consolation to her racing thoughts.

Natuski sighed heavily, a deep exhaustion settling as she suppressed a sleepy yawn. "Are you alright, at least?" Yuri asked softly, clearly attempting to keep a careful distance between them in the bed. She nodded, blinking slowly across at her.

"I will be," she assured her quietly, shuffling across the small gap to close the cold, vacant space. Her hands gripped the warm fabric of Yuri's pajama shirt, her head fitting perfectly into the crook of her neck as she allowed her drowsy eyes to close, surrounded by the safety of the other girl. "I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing the nightmare scene. Oh angst, you're so beautiful.


	21. How Rare And Beautiful It Is To Even Exist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for a longgggg ass chapter, because you guys deserve it. It's basically two chapters in one.

The bright, colourful pages of the manga resting in her lap would usually require very little to catch her attention, but Natsuki struggled to concentrate for longer than a minute before she noticed her wandering mind had taken the forefront of her thoughts. The waiting room of the counselling office boasted a clean and tidy policy, leaflets and posters formally lining the pristine, white walls.

Yuri had been gone for a little over half an hour already for her first session. Reading clearly wasn't an effective enough distraction from her racing mind as the minutes passed slowly by. 

Natsuki sighed, carefully closing the manga and slipping it into her bag, positioning it to ensure it wouldn't get damaged. She'd been living completely alone for nearly a week, asides from the first night where Yuri had offered to keep her company. It had been difficult at first, particularly on the first night she had spent entirely on her own, but she was gradually adjusting. The other girls could do it, so could she.

Besides, she was just overly thankful that she had the freedom to live however she wanted. Without her father leeching onto her she didn't feel constantly on edge or like one wrong move would result in punishment. However her instincts still kicked in at times, of course, and she routinely found herself jumping at a sudden noise or flinching at quick movements.

Her eyes caught a metallic leaflet stand positioned beside the waiting room chairs. Another girl, seemingly a few years older than herself, was tentatively rummaging around in the vast selection. Natsuki frowned as she pulled out a _'self harm'_ leaflet before making her way back over to her previous seat to flick through it.

_Surely it couldn't hurt to look...?_

With mechanical movements, Natsuki abandoned her bag by the chair and slowly rose, making her way towards the rack. She blinked, a little unsure of where to start looking. There were plenty to choose from, all strung up in different colours: drug use, depression, anxiety, self care, alcoholism...

Hesitantly, Natsuki reached out with numb fingers, selecting a little, blue booklet that read   _'Abuse'._ She took it back to her seat, her heart skipping nervously as she opened the first page. 

The years of torment had desensitized her to the reality of her previous home life. Everything she read in the leaflet seemed so much worse than what she had been through. Perhaps she had exaggerated the whole thing? Surely she must have, other teenagers seemed to be going through much worse. Her own problems simply paled in comparison.

Guilt gnawed away at her worries as she continued to flick through the thin pages. What if her father hadn't really been _that_ bad? Had she locked a potentially good person away due to her own selfish feelings? He'd tried to hurt her, sure, but maybe she'd just brought that on herself? Perhaps if she'd only listened to him...

Chewing her lip, Natsuki scanned a brief sentence underneath a little coloured picture of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, the words drawing her eagerly in.

 _'Those who have experienced trauma -particularly emotional - often struggle to accept the severity of their situations. They tend to belittle their own circumstances, acting as though it is no trouble, when in actuality this sometimes indicates a more serious encounter with abuse_.'

Well, that did make sense. 

Slowly, Natsuki reached into her bag and rummaged for a moment until her fingers found the little folded sheet of paper she had been given not long ago by the protection services. She turned it over in her palm a few times, the weight of it heavy and overbearing, before she unfolded it. 

Inside lay a vast amount of information regarding the different support networks she could access. She really didn't feel like exposing her vulnerabilities to a stranger in an unfamiliar office. It seemed...wrong somehow. But Yuri had mustered up the confidence to do it, perhaps she could too.

_Yeah, 'cause Yuri's a hell of a lot stronger than you are._

Gritting her teeth, Natsuki angrily shoved the sheet of shiny paper and the leaflet into the pocket of her jacket. She'd revisit those options later, perhaps Yuri could help her with braving it.

And maybe therapy would finally squash that nagging voice inside her head that sounded an awful lot like her father.

Right on cue her phone buzzed in her pocket and she pulled it out eagerly, thankful for the distraction. A message from Sayori. 

 

_4:47pm: Sayori - Moni tells me you've not been at school lately!? Why?? Will you be in for my return tomorrow??_

 

Oh, of course. Much to everyone's delight she was due to be discharged from the hospital today. Under Monika's care for the mean time, anyway. They had deemed her fit enough to leave after a significant improvement in overall mood and mindset. She definitely wasn't perfect and she was absolutely still struggling, but it would be manageable with therapy, patience and her medication. 

She claimed she no longer felt suicidal, which was a huge step in the right direction at least. 

That wasn't to say she wouldn't have her bad days, she still did and she would absolutely continue to, especially without the scrutiny of the hospital watching over her every move, and the group had to be prepared for that. But she was improving, evident by the frequency of her worse days dropping.

 

_4:48pm: Natsuki - I'll tell you about it when I see you. Of course I'll be back, dummy!_

 

Natsuki had been given permission to take time off school given her situation. Still, she had been catching up on missed schoolwork through emailing her teachers which seemed to be keeping her up to date.

Unfortunately, however, this had led to Monika's suspicion. As much as she had despised admitting what had happened to her so soon after the event, Natsuki shattered and told her everything. Monika had been devastated, which wasn't exactly the reaction her fear soaked mind had expected.

She assumed Monika would have thought she was disgusting. Tainted.

Yet her friend had offered her nothing but heaps of support and comfort, which had been a welcome reaction. 

Sayori didn't know yet. She wasn't even aware of her and Yuri's budding relationship, they had managed to keep it hidden from her so far. But with her being out of the hospital after today they both knew it was time to inform her of the new development in their friendship group. 

 

_4:51pm: Sayori - Good! Don't get me sick, though, I don't need to be bedridden any longer_

 

Just as she was typing a reply the large door leading to a long hallway opened with a buzz and Natsuki glanced up to find Yuri shuffling into the waiting room. She had a pretty, relieved smile tinting her lips as her sight set onto Natsuki.

"How'd it go?" she asked airily, pocketing her phone and standing from her seat. 

"Really well." Natsuki raised a surprised eyebrow as she shouldered her bag and slipped her arm through Yuri's elbow, locking them together as they wandered leisurely towards the exit.

Curiously, she spoke up. "How come?" 

"Well for one I felt no judgement from them," Yuri said breezily as she slipped her ebony beanie onto her head. Winter was just around the corner and they could certainly feel it in the air. "They assured me I am in no way crazy, which was a welcome relief to hear. I felt safe enough to spill a lot of personal information, I am unsure why I was so nervous about this before."

Natsuki hummed thoughtfully, tightening her hold on Yuri's arm as the wind bit her nose and ears. "That's pretty good. What now?"

"We arranged weekly appointments. They also suggested anxiety medication, which should be of some help in between the sessions," Yuri revealed a little signed sheet of paper that had been hidden inside her jean pocket. A pharmacy slip.

"Hopefully it helps."

 

* * *

 

Embracing the chilly wind Natsuki sat patiently at a picnic table inside of the school grounds. She had walked into school with Yuri, who was currently sat beside her as they awaited the other half of their group. 

Students milled continuously around them, the majority staring with unyielding eyes and keeping a wide, hurried berth. They must have heard, then. 

 _No surprise there, the nosy bastards_.

Well, that was a little harsh to think but it was pretty much the complete, blunt truth. Students thrived off loose scraps of gossip, anything they could latch onto for security. It would die down as it always did.

Amid the crowd Natsuki spotted flashes of strawberry blond and brown hair nearing them until their friends emerged from the bustle of students. Sayori appeared healthier, her skin and eyes brighter. She had brushed her hair properly too, a rare occurrence for her, and she had made an effort to iron her uniform and ensure it looked tidy. She still hadn't buttoned it up, though. 

The two greeted them with wide smiles as they ground to a halt hand in hand. It was incredibly reassuring to witness Sayori back in the school environment again. It seemed to be just in time, too, as Yuri had informed her not long before that Monika's influence had killed off the rumors that were circulating.

"I have some news," Monika spoke up, a clear edge of buzzing excitement tinting her voice. As Yuri and Natsuki waited eagerly for her reply she exchanged an electric look with Sayori who was smiling proudly. "Last night I received an unconditional scholarship from the University in the city, so I'll not have to move!"

"Congratulations!" The two both said in union. "That is incredible, Monika!" Yuri continued.

Monika grinned prettily, clearly ecstatic. "Let's all hope you get a place now too, Yuri. We can't split us up!"

"Y-Yes we will see," the girl replied quietly, clearly unsure.

"You'll get an offer, your predicted grades are insane," Natsuki shoved her playfully, a twinge of jealousy shooting through her heart. It would be an obvious lie to deny her envy of the two straight-A students, but she swallowed her pride and just allowed herself to feel happy for them. They worked hard, they deserved it.

Yuri returned her shove with a soft, kind smile. "I suppose."

"Whoa whoa whoa," Sayori's voice sliced sharply through the air. "You two are acting funny...What changed?" The other three exchanged a quiet, knowing look between them.

"A lot has changed," Yuri started.

It was finally time to tell Sayori. 

 

* * *

 

The droning buzz of the lunchroom faded into a blur of white noise as Yuri sat at the familiar lunchroom table surrounded by her dearest friends. 

So far the day had ended up as a complete whirlwind of emotions. With both Sayori and Natsuki's return the ambiance in their group had escalated once more into a radiant, merry environment despite the two's conflicting situations. That was a pleasant amendment to the heavy weight of concern that had hung around the atmosphere for the past...however long it had been since Sayori's initial hospitalization. 

Yet she had returned. And Yuri set her determined sights on her, a serious conversation topic awaiting on the tip of her tongue that only she could assist her with.

"Sayori?" The girl's head darted up, her pretty, azure gaze locking onto her own. "I need to talk to you," she murmured, keeping her voice low as to not alert the other girls currently chatting away. Sayori appeared genuinely surprised for a moment until she relaxed into curiosity. 

"Uh, sure. No worries."

Without a second of hesitation Yuri cleared her throat in careful preparation for her upcoming announcement to the group. "Give me a moment, I am just going to the restroom." She rose from her seat, ensuring her movements were slow and deliberate as to not appear desperate in her attempt to corner her friend. 

"I'll join you," Sayori hastily spoke up, her voice breaking slightly as she did so. Acting certainly wasn't her strong point. 

The other two seemed content, however, and merely dismissed them as they continued their conversation; something about the Universe and physics. Not exactly Yuri's strong point, she had to admit. 

They wandered through the lengthy hallway for a minute or so until Yuri found a quiet, unoccupied corner of the room that seemed void of any other nosy students.

Sayori blinked at her expectantly. "S-So, um..." How exactly could she begin this? "You must have heard about the events at Natsuki's house, yes?"

Sayori nodded tautly, her jaw tensing as anger flicked hot embers through her expression.  "You mean what that asshole tried to do to her?" Monika must have informed her, then.

"Y-Yes, unfortunately." That was a steady foundation to work with. "And did you hear what I did?"

"Yeah," Sayori replied, visibly relaxing as she spoke. "You saved her life. And her sanity."

"Well, um, regarding that..." A small, pained sigh escaped her parted lips as she fiddled mindlessly with a loose thread on her skirt. A welcome distraction to center herself in the moment. "I am worried this whole situation has exposed me as the monster I truly am to Natsuki. I-" She wasn't offered enough time to elaborate before Sayori spoke up suddenly, her light voice cutting her words short.

"You're a freaking hero, Yuri," Sayori replied with such devoted sincerity. "Don't _ever_ forget that."

"I just...I am just struggling with believing I deserve Natsuki as a girlfriend," she admitted, spilling her true underlying feelings. Therapy had been working wonders on her ability to speak up about her hidden emotions, it seemed. "I understand you tend to deal with the same issue. I, um...I suppose I am seeking some sort of advice from you."

"I do struggle with that," Sayori replied quietly, her manner suddenly adopting a solemn, sad tone. Yuri surely hoped she hadn't struck a nerve there. "But it's getting a little better."

"How do you cope with it?"

"I...don't, really," she murmured, kicking the carpet of the school hallway beneath her shoe as she spoke. "I just suck it up and remind myself that if Monika didn't want to be with me she would leave, y'know? That probably isn't the answer you want to hear."

"N-No, that helps actually," Yuri reassured hastily, her fingers finding the silky strands of her long, purple hair. The unconscious habit comforted her easily. "I suppose it is something I will have to work on. Among other things."

"Honestly, Yuri, I don't think you have much to worry about," Sayori replied. Her voice seemed to have picked up a perkier edge already which was a welcome change. "You know how stubborn Natsuki is when she believes in something. Besides, she's been into you for a while. I doubt that'd die off easily."

"She has? How are you sure?" Sayori giggled nervously at the question, a shocked expression taking hold. 

"Oops. I probably shouldn't have mentioned that," she replied with a cheeky smile. It was endearing. "She told me a long time ago...It might have even been last Christmas? After that movie night we had? Anyway, yeah, it's been a while."

That was certainly a revelation. It had really been that long? Yuri blinked, barely registering her mouth was agape until Sayori playfully prodded her loose lower jaw up to close with her index finger. "Why so surprised? I thought it had been _so_ obvious!"

"N-Not at all!" Yuri stuttered. She realized in an instant her face and chest had begun to flare, a deep heat spreading along her skin. "I never even noticed."

"Don't even get me _started_ on you, Yuri!" That only spurred the embarrassment on like a kick to the gut. Sayori's teasing really worked wonders on her anxiety, even if it were merely light-hearted fun. "The signs were all there! Seriously, you two were a walking example of ignorance and sexual tension."

"Sayori please..." Yuri practically whimpered in a desperate attempt to beg her to stop. The girl seemed to relent with a smug smile, much to Yuri's own relief. "So you doubt I have anything to worry about?"

"Take it from someone in a similar boat, if she didn't want to be with you it'd be obvious. And if you'd prefer it I'm happy to keep an eye out for any signs, since you're pretty hopeless with that." Sayori's eyes sparkled, a cheeky hint of humor hiding there. 

Sighing in defeat she brushed off her friend's remark in favour of the topic at hand. "Thank you. I suppose we should head back now."

As the two began to walk back to the lunchroom Sayori hid her smile behind her palm while she unsuccessfully attempted to stifle her giggles. Abandoning her reasoning, Yuri shoved her playfully. It felt...pure, for lack of a better word, to act so silly with Sayori.

Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to loosen up every so often.

 

* * *

 

Natsuki breathed in deeply as she breezed into the literature clubroom, inhaling the familiar, welcoming scent eagerly. The last time she had been there felt like a distant memory.

Apart from her recurring nightmares, that is.

Yuri trailed close behind her. "How freaking good does that feel?" Natsuki muttered, trotting to her usual desk and slipping into the seat with a satisfied sigh. 

"Really good," Yuri confirmed as she dipped effortlessly into the chair beside her own. Sayori was already there, sitting in the seat beside Natsuki with a happy little grin alighting her whole face.

"Hiya!" She greeted them eagerly. "It's so good to be back! I can finally meet the new members!"

Mindlessly, Natsuki peered around as more students wandered into the room. "Where's Monika? I thought she had a free period last today."

Sayori shrugged, "She did. I guess she's just running late." That seemed a little strange, Monika was usually incredibly punctual, especially for their club meetings. After a quiet moment Sayori spoke up again. "Oh! She had a student council meeting, I think."

Fair enough. 

Another minute or two passed as the three chatted inwardly. Yuri asked the other two whether their first day back had been alright which kick started a conversation regarding what they had done. All the while, however, Sayori became increasingly more agitated as the seconds ticked by. "What's wrong?" Natsuki eventually asked, her worry for the girl escalating. 

"I-It's just..." Sayori began as she nibbled her lip. "I saw the rest of the student council walk past the door not long ago...no sign of Monika or the vice president."

"I am certain everything is alright," Yuri reassured with a kind smile that sent flutters to Natsuki's heart. Sayori frowned for a moment, her light blue eyes appearing dull until she forced a tense smile.

"Y-Yeah. I'm sure," she said weakly, sounding fairly unconvinced. Fortunately, however, her expression soon brightened as Monika bustled through the door. She greeted the room quickly before her eyes locked to their little trio and she hurried over, her smile rigid.

"I got held up by the student council, sorry!" She said with a tired sigh before she leaned down to offer a brief kiss to a very expectant Sayori. "One moment."

Monika cleared her throat and spoke up to the room once the conversation dimmed. "Okay everyone!  Today's the first official literature club meeting with our new members so let's make it good!"

A new era for the literature club was beginning. 

 

* * *

 

A dull, loud honking interrupted Natsuki's sleep. Groaning, she tightened the covers around her body and burrowed her head further into the duvet in attempt to drown the noise out.

There it was again; a long, low beeping followed by a light tapping against her window. She blinked groggily at the digital alarm clock nesting on her bedside table. It very clearly read  _'2:02am'_ in neon green lettering.

 _Way_  too early. 

Either way, may as well find out what all the commotion was about now. She shoved the duvet off of her, whining as the cold night air nipped her exposed neck and arms.

She padded lazily over to the window, thrusting the curtains apart with a little too much frustrated force.

A familiar car awaited her in the driveway, its engine still running. A slender figure stood by the door with one arm on the car horn, their silhouette illuminated by the glow of the streetlight. Another two stood beside them, one with their arm extended as if they were about to throw something. 

Her sleep dazed mind caught up all of a sudden as the realization set it. 

Monika, Sayori and Yuri.

_What the hell are they doing here this late?_

Sayori lowered her arm, dropping a couple of tiny pebbles to the pavement. So that had been the tapping, then. "Hurry up, slowpoke!"

Natsuki opened her stiff window and stuck her head out, the chilly pre-Winter breeze tingling her flesh. "What?" She tried to shout but her voice broke a little with the strain.

"We're going for a drive!" Monika piped up, much too enthusiastically for the time of night it was. "C'mon!"

 _Ugh, really?_  She'd always glamorized late night drives and the such, but when it really came down to it she decided she would much rather crawl back into bed. She groaned at the dull thud of a headache working its way across her forehead. "I'm in pajamas!"

"So are we!" Yuri's voice. She sounded happier, as if the stress of the world had lifted. Perhaps she would join, then, even if it was only to spend time with Yuri. The girl was a night owl, after all.

"Fine, gimme a minute," she grumbled, refusing to pick her voice up much further. With a defeated sigh she closed her window and quickly grabbed her keys, phone and a thick jacket before slipping on a pair of trainers and trotting down the brief staircase as she shrugged the jacket on. 

She ensured with great care that the door to her new apartment was firmly locked before turning to the waiting car. The other girls, who had returned to their seats inside, waved with more enthusiasm than needed. Yuri leaned over to click the backseat door open as she approached, allowing her to slip inside easily.

After she clipped her seat belt in place Monika began to drive, the car drifting leisurely down the road. "So what's the reason for this spontaneous adventure, then?" Natsuki asked as she suppressed an exhausted yawn.

"Sayori was annoyingly restless so I suggested it as a distraction." Monika replied with a loose shrug, her eyes fixed to the road.

"Yeah, these new meds either make me _super_ drowsy or _super_ hyper."

"With very little in between," her girlfriend added, a cheeky smile alighting her face. Sayori pouted, shoving her playfully before she turned a little, black dial. Loud music picked up around the four of them, which flood effortlessly through Natsuki's skin and forced her awake quickly.

As the other two settled into conversation she caught Yuri's eye with a tired smile. "How'd they get you up?"

"Same way as yourself," Yuri shrugged. She didn't appear to be too tired at all which was a rather large contrast to Natsuki's own state. 

"Have you even slept yet?" Her girlfriend laughed airily at that, leaving her smiling fondly. Yuri always worked wonders on her crappy moods, even if she rarely let that show.

"Of course," she answered with a brisk nod. "But I do adore the night."

Humming thoughtfully, Natsuki watched the quiet city pass in a blur of colour and greenery that had been dimmed against the darkness. "Where are we even going?"

"To watch the stars."

They must have been driving for over half an hour before the car eventually pulled to a halt, the wheels crunching on loose gravel. They'd driven far out of the town to a secluded location in the country. Bare fields surrounded them and a dense forest not far off could be seen in the distance.

With the music still radiating from the speakers the four of them left the vehicle. It was surprisingly warm in the countryside in comparison to the city, evident by the lack of the pre-Winter chill.

Monika climbed smoothly up to the roof of the car, offering a hand to Sayori as she made herself comfortable. The other girl followed suit, a little clumsier than Monika's execution but she made it without much trouble; the two made themselves snug in each other's arms, lost in their own peaceful little world. Tentatively, Natsuki hopped onto the bonnet of the car, slowly lying back against the windshield to peer upwards towards the sky. 

It was an extraordinary sight. The clear, night sky towered above her, but the absence of pollution from the city lights stripped away a pathway for a vast glimpse of what the universe had to offer. As she stared up she hadn't noticed Yuri had joined her on the bonnet, the warmth of the girl soothing her soul to the very core. Mindlessly, she closed her hand around Yuri's own, her eyes never leaving the wonderful view she had.

The dark, azure sky was littered with an array of speckled white dots. They faded out the closer they neared to the city, its lights illuminating the horizon and cutting the pretty view to a halt. A misty, almost cloud-like band dripped through the air; the milky-way, according to Monika's previous teachings of space. It stood out against a light, white and purple background of stars clustering together. 

All of a sudden Natsuki felt harsh tears sting her eyes. The view made her feel so...small. Inferior. As though her life - everyone's life - was just plain, meaningless code. The universe was so, incredibly vast and astonishing; it intimidated her, to say the least.

A gentle pressure squeezed her fingers and she blinked over to find Yuri peering at her, concern evident about her expression. Tears had begun to trail down her cheeks, leaving wet streaks along her face. No wonder Yuri was troubled. "Are you alright?" She murmured the words softly, which only succeeded in escalating her overwhelming, confusing emotions further.

Instead of offering an answer, Natsuki merely closed the small distance between them to capture her girlfriend's lips between her own. She didn't seem to care about the tears soaking her face too much as she tugged Natsuki ever closer by the lapels of her pajama top.

She almost felt as though she were in a movie. Kissing in the countryside at half two in the morning on a bonnet of a car under the stars while music played just seemed too...staged. But it wasn't. It was utterly, completely real. And for some reason or another that ended up only pushing her ever further into her pool of perplexing feelings.

Music drifted peacefully from the car. A song she didn't recognize, but as the lyrics sunk into her mind her heart swelled blissfully.

_"I'd give anything to hear you say it one more time, that the universe was made just to be seen by my eyes."_

_"With shortness of breath I'll explain the infinite. How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist."_

And then it set in. She wasn't necessarily afraid of the sight in front of her. She was merely overcome by the pure possibility that lay out there. 

She was just lucky to even exist in the first place. That had always been taken for granted by her in the past.

After a moment Natsuki pried her lips away and moved close to Yuri's ear, lowering her voice despite the music so the other two couldn't hear them. "I love you," she whispered, the words intimidating on her tongue. They hadn't brought up anything regarding love again since the day Yuri had saved her. She wasn't entirely sure why that was, but she had a driving passion to change that all of a sudden.

Yuri exhaled softly against her ear, her whole body relaxing in her arms. "I love you, too."

With a contented sigh Natsuki nestled her head against the girl's chest, her sleepy gaze returning to the peaceful scene above them. The pretty, little stars shimmered away, more appearing with every extended second as her eyes adjusted to the dim light.

She genuinely felt safe.

They could have lay there for hours, minutes or seconds. She really didn't know, she couldn't tell. Time seemed to morph together into a bundle of memories and feelings as the group lay there, the music drifting out into the countryside peacefully. That was until Natsuki heard clothes shuffling above her that snapped her out of her little world and she glanced up to find Sayori and Monika jumping down from their previous place of rest. "I'm getting tired now," Sayori whined before she stifled a yawn behind her palm. But as she sleepily opened her heavy eyelids and her sight set on the two girls she practically squealed high enough to shatter glass. "You two are so precious!"

 _Dammit_ , she'd barely even noticed they were flat out cuddling right before them. Natsuki flinched back from Yuri before sliding off the bonnet with hasty movements. Crossing her arms over her chest she forced herself to remain calm and not allow the grumpiness fighting against its restraints take over. "Shush," she huffed, refusing to meet Sayori's eye out of sheer awkwardness. 

Yuri followed her off the car, her boot scuffing the gravel beneath her foot as she fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. "I suppose we are hardly as accustomed to public affection as you two are," the girl spoke up, a fiery blush seeping its way along her cheeks. 

"You'll get used to it," Monika cut in smugly before she dipped into the driver's seat. The other three soon followed her into the car, the warmth inside a welcome comfort.

Sayori, who had turned around in the passenger side to face them, grinned at the two in the back seat with unneeded enthusiasm. "So, how far have you gotten?"

Yuri unconsciously rubbed her wrists, the blush returning once more under their friend's scrutiny. _Fuck_ , it was so pretty. Since when did the night time make her so sappy? "Sayori!" Monika scolded as she flicked the side of her girlfriend's head playfully while she drove. "You can't just ask that!"

"I'm curious!" She whined. Instead of replying with her usual, snarky attitude Natsuki forced herself to relax and laugh a little at the moment. 

She didn't need to be so defensive all the time.

Not any more. 

"Not telling," Natsuki answered, allowing a cheeky grin to tint her face. Yuri glanced across at her and caught her eye briefly, a little, knowing smile also upturning her lips.

She may be shy but the little minx was enjoying every damn second of this.

"Okay that look tells me _all_ I need to know," Sayori stated with a pleased grin before she turned around and sunk back into her seat, to which Natsuki kicked the back of with light-hearted frustration. Monika's hand landed quietly atop the girl's knee, likely a comforting pressure for Sayori.

Natsuki rolled her eyes and sent a warm smile to her girlfriend. A contrast to the mischievous attitude from a moment ago.

They didn't have to hide each other any longer.

With slow, soft movements she unclipped her seat belt and shuffled along the short expanse of space between them. For a brief moment Yuri seemed shocked and a little concerned that she was breaking safety protocol so carelessly, but she relaxed as Natsuki lay her head in her lap, her legs kicked up onto the seats.

Yuri's hand ran slowly through Natsuki's head of short, pink hair, lulling her mind immediately into a tranquil state of peace. Her eyelids became overbearingly heavy as a deep wave of exhaustion finally engulfed her once more. She blinked sleepily at the car radio, the time on it informing her that it was well past three in the morning. _Ugh_ , her body would hate her when she woke up.

Before she closed her eyes to rest she noticed Sayori had nodded off against the car window, her form slumped lazily in the passenger side. Monika was gently running her hand along her thigh as she dozed; she was probably just so freaking happy Sayori was still alive.

They were such a sweet couple.

 

* * *

 

For the second time in the space of a few hours Natsuki found herself being forced awake by unplanned disruptions. Although this time a ringing sound. Likely her mobile, then.

She very nearly rolled over into her duvet and pillow fort to ignore it until her sleep dazed mind caught up. It could be an important call.

Scrambling with the bed sheets, she found the charging cord and, therefore, the phone attached to it before she clumsily held it to her ear. "H-Hello?" Natsuki grunted out, her eyes refusing to open fully as a result of her spontaneous shenanigans last night. She had been right about her body hating her, she was absolutely exhausted.

Worth it though.

A male voice radiated through the speaker, stern and emotionless. "This is Officer Morgan. Is this Natsuki?"

Confused, Natsuki pushed herself to sit up in her bed. She ran a hand through her messy hair before speaking up. "Uh...yeah. Yeah it is."

"We have some unpleasant news. Unfortunately, this is something we see particularly often with certain crimes like your father's."

"W-What?" Her stomach flipped as the words shocked her awake; she really didn't want to be reminded of him again. Her night, although tiring, had been incredibly fun and she didn't exactly feel like soiling her light mood with sour memories.

Then the officer's next sentence left her blood running cold. 

"He was killed last night by a group of inmates."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, last chapter is next! Agh, I'm gonna miss writing this story. But the good news is I've solidified my next idea and I'm so excited to start writing it! I'm not sure when it will be uploaded, though, we'll see. Uni work is getting intense this time of year.


	22. The Dog Days Are Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All good things must come to an end, I suppose. I'd much rather end this on a high note than lose my motivation and it just dies off with time, so enjoy the last chapter! I'm sorry it took so long to write, sooo many deadlines lately!

"Take a look in the mirror, let me know what you think."

The leather seat squeaked in protest as Yuri stood up, turning to face the body-length mirror leaning lazily against the wall. Natsuki watched with contained excitement as the girl gasped quietly, her eyes intently scanning her right forearm. " _Wow._  So beautiful."

The scarred skin of her arm no longer stood out with thick, white lines. Instead a pretty floral arrangement snaked its way up the flesh, wine and violet lilies bunched together with their dark emerald leaves highlighting the conflicting colours. The tattoo was gorgeous and it certainly distracted Natsuki from the various scars littered along the skin. There were still more to cover but she knew Yuri intended to gradually fill her arms with art.

Natsuki grinned, folding her arms loosely across her chest. "Damn, I love it. I think it's the perfect way to celebrate a year of being clean." Well, it really should have been eighteen months by this point. Yuri had ended up relapsing one night in a moment of weakness and reversing their months of progress. It had been incredibly difficult to find any shred of disappointment at her for that, though. They were only human.

It had been a tough, trying journey for the both of them with overcoming Yuri's urges but she was finally in a position to accept her flaws. Monika and Sayori had been shocked at the discovery of her cutting, but nonetheless sympathetic and loving as they always were. That had only spurred Yuri's motivation on and she had been wearing short sleeves a lot more recently, no longer hiding her arms in shame.

And now she was turning the scars into something beautiful. Natsuki couldn't be more proud of her.

"And our two year anniversary," Yuri reminded her with a pleased little smile. 

"That too."

The tattoo artist shot them both a sweet grin as she jumped up and snapped her black latex gloves off with quick, efficient movements before discarding them. "I'm glad you like it! Let me take a couple of photos and I'll wrap it up for you."

They waited patiently as she used her phone to take a few photos of the different angles before cutting a large strip of cling film and laying it over the new tattoo. She secured it in place effortlessly with a couple of lines of tape and she clapped her hands together once completed. "All done!"

Humming happily, Yuri twisted her arm in alternating directions to admire the arrangement. "I absolutely love it," she murmured to herself, a charming smile brightening her appearance. As Natsuki handed over the wad of cash Yuri spoke up once more. "Can I book the next session now?"

The tattooist nodded enthusiastically. "Sure! We could extend the flowers to cover some more of the scars. There's plenty of things we can do." As the two inwardly discussed their ideas for continuing the tattoo Natsuki wandered parallel to the wall, her eyes scanning the various artwork and tattoos on display. They were certainly pretty and she couldn't deny that seeing Yuri with one ignited a fiery attraction within her belly. "Are you sure you don't want to book one, too?" The artist spoke up and Natsuki flinched slightly at the sudden weight of her and Yuri's eyes.

"I...don't think so," she admitted, a little unsure of the truth. For years she'd always doubted they would ever suit her but seeing all the tame, gentle designs as opposed to the offensive skulls and portraits she was used to only confused her thought process. "Not yet, anyway."

"I will offer my best efforts to convince her," Yuri hinted, to which the artist laughed airily. After a moment she handed her a little folded slip with a bright smile.

"That's everything you'll need to know for aftercare. Hopefully I'll see you two again soon!"

With eager waves, the two turned to depart from the studio. Yuri stretched as the crisp, Autumn breeze swept through her long hair, a likely relief from being confined to the tattooing chair for hours on end. With a playful grin Natsuki reached over and intertwined her fingers with Yuri's as they strolled leisurely. "Think we'll make it on time?"

"I believe so," Yuri replied, a sweet, carefree edge to her voice. "And if not, that is on me." Natsuki shoved her, shooting her a quiet glare. "O-Oh, of course. _That's_ on me, I mean."

Working on Yuri's impulsive need to avoid contractions in her sentences had been advised by her therapist. When they had been friends Natsuki had often thought the habit was annoying...until she suddenly realised that annoyance was actually a strange attraction. But they'd figured out it was caused by her crushing anxiety and desire to appear intelligent. So to pull the root of the problem they first had to address the change, which was Natsuki regularly correcting her when she slipped up.

"That's better." She sighed and watched her breath mist slightly as she exhaled. The town around them was alight with a soft, orange hue - an indicator of the oncoming evening, and it made everything around them seem so much prettier. "Are we playing teams or singles?"

"W-Well," Yuri started slowly, her voice laced thick with humor. "I really wanted to beat your score. So hopefully singles."

"Meanie." Natsuki shoved her again, this time for an entirely different reason. "I'll _totally_ beat you."

She paused. That harsh phrasing left her wincing.

After a quiet moment Natsuki shook off the strange dissociation. She looked up and saw Monika's car nestled amid the others in the parking lot. "Of course she'd be extra early," she grumbled quietly.

The bowling alley buzzed with an electric energy as the two drifted inside. Natsuki scanned the expanse of the bustling crowd until she caught their friends gesturing them over with enthusiastic waves. As they approached Sayori shot them a soft, genuine smile that warmed Natsuki's battered heart in an instant. 

"Yuri, show us the tattoo!" Sayori spoke up the moment they stepped within suitable earshot. With a pretty, shy smile Yuri peeled the clingfilm back to expose the beautiful trail of artwork. Both of the other girls lit up at the sight. "So cool!"

"Yeah, it's really pretty!" Monika praised, her arm lazily around Sayori's shoulder where they sat in the booth. Her voice trembled slightly as she spoke, it would have been an unnoticeable change coming from any other person but from the usually cool, collected Monika it was glaringly obvious.

"I-I agree." Yuri secured the clingfilm over the tattoo once more with a small shrug. She touched Natsuki's arm gently, encouraging her to meet her eye. "Let's go get our shoes."

Nodding, Natsuki allowed the girl to guide her to the shoe rack where they proceeded to pick out their respective sizes. They returned to the table after a minute or so, slipping off their boots to replace them.

As Natsuki laced the tough, synthetic leather of the bowling shoes up she heard Sayori speak up across the booth from her. "Who's turn is it to cook tonight?"

"Yours," they all chorused, to which Sayori whined. They had a set rota of chores that she seemed to forget every single week without fail. Although frustrating, Natsuki couldn't find it in herself to be mad at her. The memory issues were merely some of many side effects of weaning herself off of her anti-depressants, which Sayori had been working so hard to achieve. She hadn't wanted to rely on the medication to feel anything anymore.

At least the straining memory was one of the better side effects she had been experiencing. But with every day Sayori came closer and closer to her set goal. It was relieving more than anything else, so the annoyance at her forgetfulness was often diminished.

After looking defeated for a moment she suddenly perked up, her eyes alight with a clear idea. "Can't I just buy you all something from here?"

"Sounds good to me," Monika shrugged, to which Natsuki and Yuri agreed. Sayori grinned, clapping her hands together and slipping her phone to her girlfriend.

"Write down what you want then!" They fulfilled her wished quickly, each taking turns to type a little list out for her while she waited expectantly. Once done, she snatched the phone back and slipped under Monika's arm and out of the booth, her eyes plastered to the screen. "Be right back."

Monika seemed overly invested in watching Sayori disappear around the corner before she gestured the other two over. She'd gone quiet, refusing to meet their eyes. More unusual behavior. Natsuki slipped into the space beside her friend in the booth that Sayori had abandoned, Yuri following suit on her other side. "Guys, I need to tell, well,  _ask,_ you something."

They waited patiently as she took a deep, leveling breath. She exhaled quietly, her eyes darting from the table to the corner where Sayori had left, to the table once more. "So you know how me and Sayo are away next weekend for our four year anniversary?" They both nodded in union, peering at her expectantly. "W-Well, uh..." With hesitant hands Monika tentatively reached into her coat pocket and pulled out a tiny, black box. 

_Holy fuck._

"W-Wait, is that-?" The words caught in Natsuki's throat as her friend opened the box in one smooth motion, revealing a pretty, shining ring. 

Stunned, Natsuki blinked at the sight, her mind numbed. It looked beautiful, if expensive, but the purpose of it sent ripples through her chest, one part excitement and one part _'what the fuck'._  Monika speaking up again shocked Natsuki out of her hazy daze, her voice weak yet hopeful. "Do you think I'm making the right decision?"

Working her jaw, she struggled to find the words to form a coherent sentence with the magnitude of various emotions darting around her head. Luckily, however, Yuri cut in before the silence dragged on too long. "I think it is-" she cleared her throat briefly, "-it's a wonderful idea! You two have been together long enough now."

Finally, Natsuki's foggy mind caught up to the present and she offered Monika a genuine, supportive smile as she slipped the box hurriedly back into her coat. "I-I agree, Moni! I think it's perfect timing, baring in mind everything that's happened recently." 

The girl exhaled softly, a picture of solid relief drawn along her expression. "I'm glad you think so. I-I honestly wasn't sure."

"You do want this, yes?" Yuri asked gently, placing a comforting hand atop Monika's arm. Without a moment's hesitation the girl nodded briskly, her determination setting like stone.

"More than anything. I'm worried about her, not me."

Natsuki narrowed her eyes at her in confusion. Her pink hair bobbed as she shook her head firmly. "Are you kidding? Sayori's head over heels for you, dummy!"

"Y-Yeah, but-" Monika groaned, dropping her head into her hands. "I guess we'll find out, right?" She followed that with a dry laugh and a defeated shake of the head. "This is gonna be tough. Do you know how hard it is to hide something so important from someone you live in such close proximity with? There's no where discreet to hide it! It's been in my coat pocket for two days and she nearly found it just yesterday. Now she thinks I'm hiding something from her."

"What about our room?" Yuri piped up after a short, thoughtful silence, then sent a questioning look to Natsuki who nodded enthusiastically. 

"We'd be happy to keep it safe until you need it!" 

"Are you sure?" They both nodded in union once more, bright smiles on their faces. "Thank you. So much."

"What's everyone so thankful for?" A confining presence suddenly slipped into the booth beside Natsuki, making her flinch. "O-Oh dammit, sorry Natsuki!" Sayori apologised quickly and shimmied away from her slightly across the faux leather to offer her some more breathing room. She placed their tray of food on the table. "I should have known."

Natsuki took a steady breath and bit back the suffocating fear she felt climbing steadily up her ribcage. After a quiet moment she felt it subside, the worry dissolving. "Honestly it's fine."

Sayori shot her a guilty look before she reached for her selection of food, the others following her lead immediately. "If you're sure..."

Smiling at her own pride for defeating the nerves before they escalated, Natsuki shook her head as she picked at her fries. "I mean it."

And she did.

 

* * *

 

With a steely concentration and fiery determination Natsuki glared firmly at the television screen, barely blinking as the controller in her hands clicked away.

She was becoming really damn good at this.

"Ugh!" Sayori huffed as her character dropped dead on the screen. 

"Yes!" In her excitement, Natsuki nearly forgot about Yuri's legs draped over her lap. She tapped them quickly, a vent for her enthusiasm, which only encouraged Yuri to peer at her over the top of her book curiously. Sayori folded her arms over her chest with an overly dramatic pout.

"So unfair!" She whined, leaning back against Monika's chest in defeat. She currently lay between her girlfriend's legs, Monika's arms woven lazily around her shoulders. "This ring is getting in the way," she stated, holding her hand up to glare at it.

"I'll take it back, then," Monika teased light-heartedly to which Sayori pulled her hand back, looking completely mortified. 

"No! It's mine, fair and square." Grinning, Monika offered her a quick, sweet kiss. "I just wish it wasn't affecting my damn finger action."

The other two laughed lightly at her remark and even Yuri chuckled slightly behind the defense of her book. So she was paying attention, then. "Uh-huh. Excuses, excuses," Natsuki teased, flashing her teeth cheekily at the girl.

"You're lucky you're cute," Sayori grumbled as she worked on refreshing the game in order to try once more.

That word. _Cute._  

It didn't bother her any longer.

As the game refreshed Natsuki gripped her controller once more. "You're _so_ on!" They resumed their little fighting match, grunts and cracks erupting from the television. That really should have triggered something in Natsuki's tortured mind, but in the years of playing fighting games they had never affected her. Perhaps it was the dissociation from real life?

Either way, she enjoyed playing them and she was actually better than she had expected, baring in mind she had only been introduced to gaming when Yuri had allowed her access to her console when they had first began dating over two years ago. 

"I'm gonna miss this," Monika spoke up. Natsuki risked a glance across at the couple, finding her resting her head against the back of Sayori's shoulder with heavy eyes watching the screen. Beside Natsuki, Yuri lowered her book and took a long sip from the little teacup between her fingers.

"Miss what?" Yuri asked, obviously curious.

"Just...All of us as a group. When me and Sayo move out, that is."

Humming thoughtfully, Yuri swirled the liquid around in gentle circles inside the cup. "Yes, I agree. I've certainly enjoyed living with you all." Their living arrangements had made sense financially. With Yuri and Monika both living on student loan income they had needed to search for somewhere affordable after their first year in halls, which would have been a student house share anyway. Natsuki had stopped receiving financial help from the protection services once she had left education and the apprenticeship she had, although fun, wasn't enough to cover living on her own while she was still only an apprentice. Sayori had been working two part time jobs to scrape the bills since her parent's income had stopped when she'd turned eighteen. So instead of the four of them struggling alone they had teamed up together and found a two bedroom house for rent.

At first they had often encountered awkward situations with none of them used to living with another person, let alone three others. Petty arguments over dishes and cooking had erupted every now and then, which is where their weekly rota came into play. And, obviously, with two couples living in close proximity to one another they soon became unhealthily acquainted with the other's sex lives.

But after the first two months or so they had all settled into a working routine and disagreements were incredibly minimal, baring in mind they were still four fairly young girls in close quarters. Each of their conflicting personalities seemed to only help matters rather than worsen them, which they were all thankful for.

"Y-Yeah, me too," Natsuki and Sayori both mumbled, their concentration primarily focused onto the game.

"We _absolutely_  have to keep seeing each other!" Sayori cut in enthusiastically. "This won't change a thing, right?"

They all agreed in union. Shaking her head, Natsuki smiled at her friend's loyalty. "Nope. Sunday's will definitely still be our D&D night, too." 

"Well, obviously!" Monika rolled her eyes playfully, her grip on Sayori visibly tightening as her hand ran up and down her girlfriend's arm at a leisurely pace. "That's a given."

"Good, we'd struggle without our dungeon master," Yuri winked at Monika, who shot her a pretty grin back. "Have you discussed wedding arrangements yet?"

She shrugged loosely. "Sort of. We know we just want a small, intimate one."

The screen froze as a _'paused'_ message popped up. Confused, Natsuki looked to her friend who was trailing her index finger along the curve of the controller. "Actually, I forgot to mention..." Sayori murmured, her quiet voice hinted with uncertainty. Monika's curious hum urged her to continue. "My parents replied to my message."

The moment the words set in Monika visibly tensed, the hand running along Sayori's arm halting its exploration. "Really? Uh, what did they say?"

"They said they wanted to come to the wedding," she replied softly, her eyes much too intently focused on the controller in her hand. A tense silence hung thick in the air, an overbearingly uncomfortable atmosphere lingering.

"Would you even want them there?" Natsuki questioned carefully to shatter the silence. She made sure to tiptoe around the subject matter with great caution as it wasn't exactly an easy breezy one for Sayori.

Fortunately, the girl just shrugged. "I...I don't know. They put me through hell and back for years about our relationship and now...they're just ready to accept it? I'm not sure if I can forgive them so easily."

Monika pressed a soft kiss to the back of her head, a prolonged sigh escaping her lips as she did so. "It's up to you, sweetie. Just know I'll support you no matter your decision."

Relieved, Sayori smiled slightly and exhaled, relaxing into her girlfriend's touch. "Who are you thinking of inviting?"

"Well...my parents, sister and you guys," she gestured to the other two, "of course. Then I was debating asking a couple of friends, ones I'm close enough with anyway, but I might not. We'll see."

It used to be hard, especially on Sayori, to accept that Monika had groups of other friends that she regularly hung out with, but ever since living with her it had become the norm to see her with them. She was still in touch with many of her old high school friends and she saw them often, which was nice.

Natsuki only had their little group to remind her of their days in school.

"What about you?"

"I don't really have anyone else," Sayori muttered, pressing play to kickstart their fight once more. "I'm not really close enough with anyone."

With a sad sigh Monika rest her chin on her girlfriend's shoulder, her eyes drifting shut as she did so. The couple looked so relaxed and... _content_ together. They'd been through a hell of a lot of murky waters and rocky paths but they were finally emerging from the other end, their relationship unscathed and stronger than ever. It was incredibly inspirational, Natsuki thought.

Yuri shifted her weight as she discarded the teacup on its little saucer. "I should head to bed, I have an early seminar tomorrow before my morning lecture."

"Ooh, what on?" Sayori asked with evident interest, more than likely thankful for the change in conversation.

"Psychological difficulties in adults with motor neurodegenerative conditions." Ever since her first therapy session Yuri had showed an increased interest in psychology. She had ended up reading a fair amount of books on a vast selection of psychology topics and it had soon become her new passion, which had been incredibly beneficial in distracting herself from her urges.

The undergraduate she was studying was primarily analysis based which would allow her to progress into a career in psychological research. The whole lot just confused Natsuki, but she had to admit it was more than a little attractive to hear her girlfriend talk with such raw passion about the subject.

And the smart-ass phrases sounded pretty damn hot, too.

Blinking her eyes lazily open once more Monika laughed airily. "That's one hell of a mouthful."

"Indeed," Yuri discarded the book on the arm of the sofa and removed her long legs from Natsuki's lap before she stood up smoothly. She couldn't help but watch with keen interest as her light muscles tensed while she stretched with a soft, strained mewl. Yuri offered her a sweet, shy smile as she caught her staring and raised a curious eyebrow. "Care to join me?"

"You know it," she replied with a sharp grin, using Yuri's offered hand as leverage to stand. With eager movements she tossed the controller to Monika who caught it effortlessly. Sayori squeaked adorably in surprise as it flew close to her head, but the girl merely blinked up at them once she realised she wasn't in immediate danger.

"Goodnight!" Natsuki chimed as she allowed Yuri to lead her quickly out of the living room and up the short expanse of stairs to their room at the end of the hall.

Yuri pulled her into a sweet, tight embrace the moment their door clicked shut, her lips finding her own effortlessly. She smirked as she pulled back from the kiss and Natsuki's breath caught in her throat as she spoke. "We're not sleeping yet, are we?"

"Not in the slightest," Yuri murmured, her palm closing delightfully around the back of Natsuki's neck as she coaxed her into another drawn out, fervent kiss, their hands grasping each other desperately. "Get on the bed."

 _Gladly_ , Natsuki thought.

 

* * *

  

The chilly Autumn air nipped Natsuki's exposed skin as she climbed out of her little car. She tightened the scarf around her neck with pink gloved hands as she locked the vehicle with a soft click and dropped the jingling keys into her coat pocket. 

A new scarf. The one she had used two years ago to cover her bruises had long since been destroyed in a flaming mountain of fire when she and Yuri had burned half of her possessions. The ones that brought back bad memories of her father, that is.

A bunch of colourful chrysanthemum's in hand she turned and looked up at the daunting, metal archway reading "cemetery" along the top in thick, bold lettering. She huffed, her breath misting calmly into the late afternoon sky. Her boss had gratefully allowed her to leave her apprentice position an extra hour earlier for this very occasion to ensure she made it in time before the cemetery closed, leaving the little, budding bakery in the hands of the other two bakers. It was a rare occurrence for her to skimp out of work, but one she had insisted she'd  needed just this once.

The gravel beneath her boots crunched as she walked mechanically, her muscles stiff and taut. Each and every cell in her body was screaming at her to turn around, but she just couldn't.

She simply wouldn't allow this crushing dread to eat her alive any longer.

Closure was the only thing to silence that.

An old, worn headstone stood its ground lazily amid countless rows of others, weeds weaving up the marble and a little, red spider scuttling along the curved top. Natsuki knelt down to the damp ground at the familiar sight, unfazed by the moisture from the grass seeping through the knees of her tights. Her breath hitched as she gently placed the bunch of flowers to the soil in front of the headstone. A glove carefully wiped the dirt and age obscuring the writing.

It had been nearly twelve years since her mother died; the event that had changed every single aspect of her life. Tears stung her eyes and her breath rattled through her lungs as she exhaled stiffly, her fingers tracing the indentation of the lettering of her mother's name. A name she hasn't heard spoken in many years.

After a moment she dropped her hand and pushed herself to her feet. She sniffled a little, the back of her hand catching a stray tear that fell. 

There was nothing left to say to her.

Natsuki turned just as a creeping tension snaked its way into her muscles. Now onto the tough part.

After walking for a minute or so, her heart hammering painfully against her ribs, she drifted to a stop in front of a newer, cleaner tombstone. The sight of her father's name left a nauseous pit in her stomach, icy fingers trailing up her spine to plait scraps of panic into her chest.

Taking a deep breath, she spoke. 

"I don't really know what to say, to be honest," she grumbled awkwardly, her boot tensely scuffing the soil of the cemetery grounds. She watched as the loose particles drifted away in the breeze among the browning Autumn leaves littering the grass haphazardly. "I neglected visiting you last year. I wasn't ready then. Now I am."

With newfound confidence Natsuki stepped forward and spat roughly onto the mound of dirt before the headstone. "You're a piece of shit." Her voice had adopted a braver tone as she trembled with white hot frustration. "I hate you so much for putting me through that shit childhood. But... _oh fuck,_ I really miss the old you."

All of a sudden she broke. Those countless withheld emotions over the years came crashing down in an intense flood of tears as the cruel reality hit her like a ton of bricks.

Her real father had been dead for many years.

And now she was a true orphan.

Painful, wracking sobs shook her whole, tiny body as she cried for the man she had known as a child, well aware those beautiful memories had all been a lie masking the monster underneath.

Her heavy head dropped into her hands and her eyes screwed shut as she sobbed at the pure unfairness of life. 

"For the past two years I've fucking wallowed in guilt and pain. I've been blaming my own selfish actions for your death," the words were bitter on her tongue and sharp to her ears as she spoke through the continuous stream of hiccuping tears. It was an awful reality to have to face so young. "I had convinced myself I had exaggerated this whole situation and that you didn't deserve this fate. But I refuse to be clouded by that belief now."

She wouldn't allow him to influence her life any longer.

He was gone. It was finally time for a fresh beginning, one void of his influence.

"I just...I wish everything had been different." Natsuki slumped, defeated. She sniffled quietly, the soft breeze ruffling her hair with a gentle whisper of air. "And I hope, wherever the fuck you are, that you're wishing the same thing."

Stuffing her hands into the pockets of her hoodie Natsuki took a small step backwards, cold tears trailing down her cheeks to pool at her chin. She grit her teeth firmly, determination setting like steel.

"Goodbye, papa," she forced herself to whisper.

Biting down roughly on her quivering lip, she finally turned to leave into the soft glow of the evening spreading across the cemetery grounds.

He would never be the cause of another tear from her again. 

 

* * *

 

"Hey, Sayo?"

"Mmhm?"

"How are you feeling? Like, honestly?" 

A mixture of gray and pink sheets strung above the two girls as they lay inside their cozy, makeshift blanket fort that hid them perfectly away from the darkness of the night in the room outside. They had pretty, little fairy lights taped up inside with them that illuminated their den and Natsuki's laptop was propped on a chair not far above their heads, a rerun of an old TV show playing in the background. Sayori hummed thoughtfully as she mindlessly nibbled a pencil sweet between her teeth and sniffed.

"A bit afraid, but...happy." Her voice had a distinct, nasal edge to it that indicated sickness. Which was the primary reason for their blanket fort, after all.

Yuri and Monika had recently left for a theater event for the next few days, leaving Natsuki with free rein over the apartment and a very bummed out Sayori, who had had to cancel last minute due to the flu. She'd gotten time off both of her jobs for the trip, too, so Natsuki was using absolutely everything in her power to cheer the girl up once more. The demands of her apprenticeship meant she couldn't join the other two, anyway, so she didn't mind.

"What are you afraid of?" Natsuki glanced over to the little icon in the corner of her laptop that indicated the time, revealing it was nearly two in the morning. She hardly felt a scrap of exhaustion, however. It was Saturday now, after all.

"The future," Sayori's voice had a dreamy, lost tone to it behind the croak of illness. Funny how late night conversations did that. "I never expected to be alive when I was nearly twenty but...here we are. I guess I just never felt like I had to think ahead but now I do and that's kind of intimidating." Natsuki could understand that. Growing up she had never imagined a life without her father's overbearing presence looming over her every move. 

She'd never imagined a life free from pain and mental exhaustion. But now she had that.

"I get that. But the future looks bright, doesn't it?"

"Definitely. I'm marrying the girl of my dreams, I have amazing friends and a steady job...what more could I ask for?" Hard to argue there. Sayori sniffled and coughed, covering her mouth with a crumpled tissue as she did so. "How're you feeling?"

"Hopeful," Natsuki muttered, abandoning her snarky attitude to allow herself to express her true thoughts. There was no need to hide from Sayori, or from any of her friends for that matter. Not anymore.

"Good to hear." She coughed again, a harsh, rattling noise that left Natsuki cringing.

"You don't sound well at all. Are you sure you don't want to sleep?" Firmly, Sayori shook her head with a determined smile.

"No, I missed these late night conversations we used to have. Do you remember them?"

"How could I forget?" Natsuki giggled softly, prodding her friend in the shoulder. "Back when lil' Sayo was so pathetically in love with _'smart, popular Monika'_ and didn't know what to do about it."

Sayori grumbled and flicked her with the pencil sweet, "There were some before then, too!" She sighed all of a sudden, her gaze returning to the fairy lights above their heads. "So much has changed since then. Those conversations feel like lifetimes ago."

"Yeah...Remember how worried you were that Moni would never like you back? Now those worries are pointless. Puts things into perspective, right?" 

Humming thoughtfully, Sayori picked at yet another sweet. Perhaps the sugar was a bad idea if she was trying to recover from her sickness but they deserved the treat. "That's true. I wonder if we'll do this again in a few year's time and everything will have changed once more to the same extent?"

That thought sent chills down her spine. Partially from excitement and partially from pure nerves. The future had a hell of a lot in store for the four of them and the thought of change was more than a little intimidating. But Natsuki was ready to face whatever was thrown at her with her chin held high.

For once in her life she actually felt ready to grow up.

"Wherever we are in a few years I know us all being friends won't have changed. I'm sure of that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really had a fun time writing and uploading this fic, it was definitely worth the pain! Thank you again for everyone's continued support throughout this. It's been so amazingly overwhelming, I never thought this would gain as much attention as it did (over 1000 kudos! That's insane!!!!). I'm so glad I was able to provide a story that people enjoyed! 
> 
> My Tumblr can be found on my A03 profile if you wanna talk (I'm rly friendly I promise, I'm not scary) or just to see what I'm into!!
> 
> Hopefully you can join me for the next fic I write, which will be in the works soon! And I hope you all like angst because, oh boy, it's gonna get rough. But I think I'll write a few spin off one-shots for this story to level it out with some sweet fluff. I definitely want to write a Monika x Sayori version of this since I had a whole storyline with them in my head while I was writing this that I never had a chance to explore. But anyway, thank you all! Until next time!


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